I am not new here on the site or the forum . It has been more than a few years since I have posted in the loss of a child My Verna 2001 , or a sibling my brother 2005 , or family member after a very long battle with cancer my special favorite cousin 2010.
This is my forth last memories site i for this decade.
I have accepted my 21 year old daughters sudden death due to a drunk driver , and my 47 year old brothers sudden death when the wheel on the trailer load of oil flied pipe caught the soft shoulder on a hair pin curve and dragged his rig off that embankment landing under the load of pipe. Now my 43 year old cousins 9 month battle with cancer well she did put up a hell of a good fight , but was tired and ready when the cancer took her from us. I do not understand and I sometimes don't do real well but I have accepted these deaths.
But this , this death I can not get my head around . I can not share how I feel , because I don't know what it is I am feeling .
And I don't know why it has affected me as intensely as it has .
I am going to give just a bit of the ancient history and then skip over about 25 years to the 20 th day of April 2010.

At one time I had a very close and what I thought to be trusted best friend , at that same time I had what I thought was a husband who had meant those promises he made me in front of our family , friends that day in front of the preacher ,,Long story short ,,, Well my friend and my husband wasn't all I thought them to be .
And after the dust settled my three small children and me went back to my families ranch and those two done some math that turned out to be
1+1=3, She gave birth to their son about the time the ink dried on my divorce papers.
Now that is the bit of of history .


Skipping ahead 25 years , The ex friend has been though several more husbands and over a decade in and out of prison. the ex husband came back after my daughters death , His son who is named Jr. after his dad , finds a girl friend , they have a daughter he loves that baby girl , she is his life all wrapped up in one little daddy's girls smiling face.. Him and baby girls mama spilt up but remain friends . Jr. finds and falls head over heels in love with a woman that seems to return his feelings , she loves his daughter , her and the baby's mama get along fine , life is great , I am grandma to his baby just as I am to my own sons kids .
And then one day Jr. comes home from work and before he is out of his truck , the love of his life and her new love come pulling in the yard in her pickup.. Again , long story short , a week later Jr. has moved back into his own house , that weekend he writes 2 two page good bye letters one to each of his parents , a long good bye letter to his baby girl , dials the now ex girlfriends number , tells her he loves her but has called to say good bye and shoots himself .

And this where I am with trying to handel Jr's death .
I wasn't close to him we did not really even know each other until his dad came back asking me to let him back in 18 years after we had divorced. When Jr. became a daddy is when we started building the relationship we had .
I feel the same pain and sense of loss over Jr.s death as I do over my daughters death . Except I have intense moments of anger towards Jr. when I see the heart broken 6 year old daughter he left that long good bye letter to . I did not have any anger towards my daughter because it was all for the drunk that caused her death. So this love mixed with anger mixed with grief mixed with pain . One moment I want to smack Jr. for not saying a word to anyone never showing any of the signal , then I want to wring his damn neck for not loving his daughter more then he hurt over his broken heart , then the next I just want to grab him and hold on until he gets control . But , I can do none of these things .
So I'm back to square one . Why has hie death effected me as deeply as my own child death ?
It just does not make sense.

You have a strong emotional instinct to protect his daughter and cannot take that pain away from her is the source of your anger i believe. As to why it bothers you as much as your daughters death did i believe has something to do with the fact that he chose to take his life and maybe some of it is the fact that it brought up painful memories from the past. I suffer from deppression but i have also been lied to and cheated on by an ex wife and an ex gf and have now been alone for over 10 years by choice. Im not saying what he did was right, Im not saying you shouldnt be angry at him, But i understand him. I understand the hurt he had to endure. I have an 11 year old son and ive had 3 suicide attempts in my life. The most recent one being a month ago. It has taken me alot of years and alot of help to get to where im at today though and for the first time i finally feel safe. I think its very possible he was severely deppressed over his recent breakup. For some guys i believe it can be the equivalent to post partum deppression in mothers. I bet he otherwise was a lovely man with strong emotions and an abundance of compassion for others. Also another similarity between me and Jr ill bet is that he didnt have the best upbringing and a father who wasnt always really there for him, does that come close? If you have any questions that i can answer i will try, just send me a pm. If what im saying isnt close to the mark then forgive me. i see alot of similarities with parts of your story and Jr and my own life though. The heart is a funny thing when its broken and nowadays alot of people both men and women dont seem to value love and marriage like they used too.... These people disturb me always thinking the grass is greener on the other side. playing with others feelings and emotions for there own gain. You can pm me if you like, Sorry for your loss and may god help you with your grief.