I am not new here on the site or the forum . It has been more than a few years since I have posted in the loss of a child My Verna 2001 , or a sibling my brother 2005 , or family member after a very long battle with cancer my special favorite cousin 2010. This is my forth last memories site i for this decade. I have accepted my 21 year old daughters sudden death due to a drunk driver , and my 47 year old brothers sudden death when the wheel on the trailer load of oil flied pipe caught the soft shoulder on a hair pin curve and dragged his rig off that embankment landing under the load of pipe. Now my 43 year old cousins 9 month battle with cancer well she did put up a hell of a good fight , but was tired and ready when the cancer took her from us. I do not understand and I sometimes don't do real well but I have accepted these deaths. But this , this death I can not get my head around . I can not share how I feel , because I don't know what it is I am feeling . And I don't know why it has affected me as intensely as it has . I am going to give just a bit of the ancient history and then skip over about 25 years to the 20 th day of April 2010.
At one time I had a very close and what I thought to be trusted best friend , at that same time I had what I thought was a husband who had meant those promises he made me in front of our family , friends that day in front of the preacher ,,Long story short ,,, Well my friend and my husband wasn't all I thought them to be . And after the dust settled my three small children and me went back to my families ranch and those two done some math that turned out to be 1+1=3, She gave birth to their son about the time the ink dried on my divorce papers. Now that is the bit of of history .
Skipping ahead 25 years , The ex friend has been though several more husbands and over a decade in and out of prison. the ex husband came back after my daughters death , His son who is named Jr. after his dad , finds a girl friend , they have a daughter he loves that baby girl , she is his life all wrapped up in one little daddy's girls smiling face.. Him and baby girls mama spilt up but remain friends . Jr. finds and falls head over heels in love with a woman that seems to return his feelings , she loves his daughter , her and the baby's mama get along fine , life is great , I am grandma to his baby just as I am to my own sons kids . And then one day Jr. comes home from work and before he is out of his truck , the love of his life and her new love come pulling in the yard in her pickup.. Again , long story short , a week later Jr. has moved back into his own house , that weekend he writes 2 two page good bye letters one to each of his parents , a long good bye letter to his baby girl , dials the now ex girlfriends number , tells her he loves her but has called to say good bye and shoots himself . And this where I am with trying to handel Jr's death . I wasn't close to him we did not really even know each other until his dad came back asking me to let him back in 18 years after we had divorced. When Jr. became a daddy is when we started building the relationship we had . I feel the same pain and sense of loss over Jr.s death as I do over my daughters death . Except I have intense moments of anger towards Jr. when I see the heart broken 6 year old daughter he left that long good bye letter to . I did not have any anger towards my daughter because it was all for the drunk that caused her death. So this love mixed with anger mixed with grief mixed with pain . One moment I want to smack Jr. for not saying a word to anyone never showing any of the signal , then I want to wring his damn neck for not loving his daughter more then he hurt over his broken heart , then the next I just want to grab him and hold on until he gets control . But , I can do none of these things . So I'm back to square one . Why has hie death effected me as deeply as my own child death ? It just does not make sense.
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