Grief and Bereavement forum groups

my son left me by shooting himself
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Author:  cher [ Wed Feb 06, 2013 8:45 pm ]
Post subject:  my son left me by shooting himself

i came home one morning and there layed my sweet babyboy he had shoot himself in the head i cant get that image out of my head his name was jessie and only twentythree years old he was the youngest one of three it was nov 9 2012 in the morning when my boyfreind and i found him he left a two year old little girl a brother and a sister and asomewhat exgirlfreind i wish so many times it was me i tried a year ago to do it but just ended up in the hospital shortly ofter my husband got killed i feel bad because of that loss of my husband but for me its harder dealing with my son leaving me he was my problem children but him and i our two peas in the pod i ive takening a window the other day so i i could just end everything but all i could see when i started to cut was my oldest sons face when his brother had did what he did and when he was trying to controll me that morning so i wouldnt hurt myself before i had to go tothe hospital so i couldnt cut my self deep i just kept on cutting just to let it bleed i want to be with my babyboy but i cant leave my son but i dont feel i belong here anymore i cry all the time and see his face on the couch people keep telling me it will get better in time but im not sure it will i need help from someone that has been though the same thing and feelings the same way what use is live i feel alot of it is my falt i should ive been here for him i knew he was depressed i feel i should of got the guns out of the closet but i really didnt think he would do this to me and his daughter i hate myself so much someone please help i cant handle the pain of this and i do believe in GOD ive told to counciler and freinds and GOD but nothing seems to b working

Author:  Wrmwd73 [ Mon Feb 11, 2013 1:57 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: my son left me by shooting himself

My daughter Jess died last July after too many attempts at the age of 23 she died finally of liver failure and I wanted to die too.
I am not sure if there is recovery or if I have just got used to living wihtout knowing why or knowing how to want to live . . .
But you are not alone and if you can just hang on one day at a time then at least you can still make decisions later . . .

Author:  lcr [ Sun Feb 17, 2013 10:13 am ]
Post subject:  Re: my son left me by shooting himself

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I can hear the sadness in your heart. For one thing God still loves you and your children. I'm not sure what your believes are when it comes to eternal life but all of us still have a chance to live with our loved ones again.
I lost years ago too. I lost the love of my life the same way you did your son. It's been close to 30 years now and no matter how many doctors I've seen or how many people I talked to no one had any answers. Over the years I started a journal that turned into a book that never got published (not because it wasn't any good) but because it was to heart wrenching for me to relive this time with others. I started talking just recently (with in the past 5 years) talking about what his suicide did to me emotionally and mentally. Even today I stay clear as much as possible about thinking about it because with out a doubt it is to disturbing for me. It's not that I don't still think of him I just don't dwell on it. I visit often with my thoughts I just don't live in them anymore at least not when it comes to this part of my life. I know if I live there in the dark space I will get sucked in and getting sucked in is not an option for me. I can remember the first time we met so clearly. I can remember the way he made me feel just by standing by him. I was so in love with him. I would have done anything for him. At the time there were so many things that could have, would have and did tear us apart (eventually) but the love I had for him never died. The pain of losing him never has died either. The years and the tears never brought him back. Over the years, I have fallen asleep and woken up every morning since this tragedy with him on my mind. He has never left my heart. I don't think I want him to either. I think I'll keep him there. I don't ever want to lose him by letting go. I guess that is why I never let go completely... because I don't want him to forget or lose him a second time. I wish I could to be with him too but I can't not, not now anyhow (but maybe someday). If and when I see him again I don't know what I'd ask or what I's say (probably a million 'I love you's) all I know is I would hold on to him for dear life like I use to when he was right by my side. Who knows.
I know the loss of the-love-of-my-life does not compare to the loss of child (I can't even imagine what I would do if I lost either of my babies) and I'm sorry if this did not help any (my babbling). I just know that in most suicide incidents there is no explanation of what or why it was done and that to me is the worse. I wish so much to know what was going on at the time my "special" friend took it upon himself to return himself back to God but I don't. I wish I knew if he even thought about me before he did it and if he did think about me, didn't he realize what it would do to me or how it would effect me for the rest of my life and Why didn't he know that I'd be willing to stand by him. I don't know the answers to those questions (among so many more questions I have), and I've not know for 30 years. It's been a long time but I'll soon be home and maybe the answers will be mine but at that point it wouldn't matter, probably not cause I'd be loving and hugging on him for eternity! All I know is life went on with out him and it was not by my choice. He did what he did despite how I felt about him and that so pisses me off! I was so totally disregarded by the one person I related to on so many levels. I do know this... That if it was up to you or I I bet they wouldn't be gone. They'd be right here with us and we'd be helping out as much as possible where ever possible. It was not your fault nor my fault and like you, I knew he was depressed but we never spoke about it. I tried to make our life as happy and blissful as possible not chancing him a fall back into depression, at least not on my watch. To me he was depressed about so many other things (not us) and I guess I thought it couldn't touch our lives together. That we'd just ride off into our own little world of two. That he some how snap out of it, (now I know better, that depression is nothing you snap out of it takes a lot of work). He didn't he went back home and family (dysfunctional) and friends consumed him as well as his own self-worth. He didn't understand that what he was going through was temporary and what he was planning on doing (suicide) to fix his problem was a long-term final solution He was not thinking, or scarred or simply in a dark place. I wasn't around at the time and so I guess the old adage "out of sight out of mind" applies because I am just hoping that had he thought of me he would not have done what he did - but even that thought is not a guarantee.
For what it is worth and truth be told this pain and lose you feel will not go a way and at times it will be harder to bare than not. The only advice I can offer is "you keep you chin up, know that the grief you feel is real but don't live there". Your son loved you, I am sure, just like my friend loved me. What they did had nothing to do with us.
The good memories of them are what they want us to remember not how they took themselves over. Jesus loves them and he is a forgiving God and when we get to heaven they will be there to open the pearly gate for us and that will be one of the best coming home surprises our Holy Heavenly Father has for us. Then life with no more pain and sorrow will begin again with our loved ones. God left us here so we can help other mothers, dads, sisters, brothers, people we meet on the street with this suicide monster. You are not alone although you feel like it you are not and you probably will feel like it more often than not. Just remember you have another son that needs you too. Your son that took himself over he's already in the most loving arms a mother could wish for - Jesus. I do have some books you can read if your interested. Someday, maybe you'll read the whole story.

Author:  lcr [ Sun Feb 17, 2013 10:52 am ]
Post subject:  Re: my son left me by shooting himself

sorry about this post. i tried deleting it but couldn't. I submitted one already and inadvertantly submitted second one (same thing) and am just trying to get read of the copy but the editor wont let me so I had to write something in this space and the some thing is this. Sorry.....

Author:  devinder [ Tue Apr 16, 2013 9:10 am ]
Post subject:  Re: my son left me by shooting himself

I feel very sorry after reading your post. May god keep the souls of deceased ones in total peace and give you enough courage to bear the loss.

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