Topic Of The Day~Grief The Price We Pay For Love

Tonya · **Posted:** Thu Oct 25, 2007 10:53 am

Tammy....

Thank you for this topic today. It's amazing that once you sit and really think about it, how much a tragedy like this can change a person.

1. Acknowledge the loss.
I had to acknowledge the loss, my boys were no longer with me, and the emptiness that I still feel is a constant reminder of that.

2. Accept the pain of grief. Try to live THROUGH it, not avoid it.
There is absolutely NO WAY to avoid the gried of losing a child. My gosh, you would go insane in a heartbeat. Live through it, I've accomplished to live with it. My grief will always be a part of my life, that is what I have accepted. Nothing more, nothing less.

3. Share your thoughts and feelings. Find enough compassionate listeners. You can talk - - more than one person can listen!
Compassionate - that doesn't even begin to describe my forum family. Thank you to all of my dear, dear friends who are here all of the time. Without each and every one of you, I honestly don't know what I would do. I thank God for you each and every day.

4. Understand that each person has an individual timetable for grief. Each person grieves separately and differently. We move through grief at our own pace.
This is witnessed every day here in our Forum family. I thank each of you for your patience with me as I walk on this painful journey.

5. Find your sense of humor. Try to hang on to it!
Like others, I too, feel guilty laughing or smiling; because I know that I will never see Jaydon or Jordan laugh or smile. At least not until I'm with them again. However, I know that they would want me to be happy. So, I do find myself returning to my "former self" from time to time laughing and smiling and even joking around. But that in no way, takes the grief and pain out of my heart and mind.

6. Get some physical exercise. If nothing else, jog your memory.
That's too funny! My butt hasn't had physical exercise since high school! At least up until now....but that's a whole other can of worms.

7. Learn to hug again.
I find this to be very therapeutic. I have always been a "hugger" and it just seems to make me feel a little better. Especially the hugs that I receive here each and every day, I couldn't live without them!!

8. Accept yourself. Understand you are someone new. Acknowledge that change.
I have. There's no way of avoiding it. Because of the great loss that I experienced, I will never be the person that I was before. Sometimes, I honestly believe that that is a good thing. I have changed very much over this ordeal; in more ways than one. Right after I lost a tremendous amount of weight very quickly, but since then, I have gained it back and then some....isn't that always how it goes? ha ha

9. Begin to become the person you already are . . .
Yep, I have to be. I can't be anyone else. Unfortunately changing back would mean that my boys would have to be here with me, and we all know that can't be.

10. Remember, though death comes, LOVE NEVER GOES AWAY!!!
My love for my boys will NEVER, NEVER, EVER go away. I love them with every part of my being and all that I have. I love them more with each passing day. I was given 1 hour and 15 beautiful minutes with Jaydon and Jordan; and I wouldn't trade that precious time for anything in this world.

Okay, okay, now that I've written a novel.....

I love you all!!
~Tonya~

Jo Ann · **Posted:** Thu Oct 25, 2007 11:01 am

Lisa and Tammy I really liked the articles you shared with us. I am saving them both.
Lynda, you and I are so alike. I lost a lot of weight when Krystal died, then I added it back with 40 extra pounds. Tammy, I do not have the energy to exercise either and I have gained 40 pounds. I hate being fat. Lynda, I also have deep physical pain in my heart at times and stomach problem. Sometimes if I feel a panic attack coming on i am so nauseous. Sometimes i get sharp pains in my intestional area and have to run to the bathroom with intestinal. It is embarrassing if i am out of the house. I too have PTSD from the shock of seeing Krystal in the hospital trauma room dead. I am hurting so bad. I love all of you and read your posts. You help me so much, even when I can not post.
Love,

Barbara · **Posted:** Thu Oct 25, 2007 11:10 am

Tammy,
This is a very good topic but sometimes getting the words to come is so hard.Its like I can't get my mind to function right.I go through a lot of physical and emotional changes.
Jacob has been battling it a lot his bubba was everything to him.And no Lynda you're not weird I have a lot of stomach problems now too.A long with headaches and tension.
I do laugh at times but then I stop myself.......HOW CAN i LAUGH AND BE HAPPY WHEN ONE I LOVED SO MUCH IS GONE??
People don't want to hear me talk about my greif or about Michael and Scott.Some think I should be getting past it by now.How can you ever move past it?? You can't you can only learn to cope a little better.My kids are my whole life and to have that taken away changes your life forever.Life as I once knew it is completely gone.There is no time table for grief.I will grieve the rest of my life until the day I see my boys again.
I don,t have the energy to physically exercise anymore.Michael would always say I don't won't you to cry over me, tell jokes and laugh! He could always make you laugh even in the worst situations.I miss him so.I do not know if I can ever really acknowledge
the loss.To quote you"LOVE NEVER GOES AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Hugs,
Barbara

JANE_E · **Posted:** Thu Oct 25, 2007 9:04 pm

I've had terrible stomach problems and heart burn so bad I feel like a dragon at times. I have to take a prilosec every single morning or I'm in agony by night. I also carry Tagamet in my purse and in my car and tums also.

I have so many anxiety problems and panic attacks, not quite as bad as those first six months but still out of a clear blue sky I can go into a major panic attack. I get them especially bad if I'm uptown alone and something hits me mentally or I see someone I know and they ask how I'm doing......... that seems to really kick my knees out from under me. For some reason, I don't want to discuss it when I'm uptown. It hurts way too much and I start to cry.

I also lost a lot of weight right after it happened....... but I've gained it back and then some and I also don't seem able to exercise. I'm not motivated to care anymore. I've almost totally stopped wearing makeup. I use to always keep my hair up and always wore earrings to match my outfit. I've had the same earrings on since Scott passed. Just little pearl ones, I haven't even taken them out one time. I don't wear my wedding ring anymore, my finger got too fat for it to fit.

It's like the things I cared so much about, makeup, hair, spotless house..... weight, etc.... mean nothing to me now. I had let my flower beds go so badly they had weeds almost as tall as me. I've been trying a little bit more lately......... but I can never catch up with where I use to be. I don't even care to anymore.

I think even though I've been taking anti depressant meds this entire year......... I think despair has become a part of who I am now and that has taken away so much of my zest for life. I feel guilty and ashamed if I laugh very much or if I enjoy myself.

Sometimes I think we are our own worse enemies......... Scott would want me to laugh and enjoy life. He would not want me to feel so much pain........ it comes from me, not him, this reluctance to let go of the pain. If I let go of it, (as if I could), it seems as if I lose him again, or he moves further back in my mind. I just can't let that happen.

JANE_E · **Posted:** Fri Oct 26, 2007 12:32 am

Tammy,

We will all protect Angelica's memory. Her memory is sacred to all of us. Nothing can ever take that away from you, or from us. She now lives in our hearts also and she is precious to us. All of our angels are precious to us.

As we each go to heaven and meet our own angel, I know the other angels will gather around to welcome us also. We have special connections in heaven now dear Tammy. They leave our hearts broken on earth, but when we get to heaven we'll be welcomed like royalty.

Rest Tammy, ease your heart, I know the pain you feel, I wear it like a shroud also. I never apologize for my pain, if someone doesn't want to hear about it, or to see the pain in my face, they'd best stay away from me. I'm not ashamed that my grief is so profound. I can't pretend it's gone away, it will never, ever go away.

You will never be alone Tammy. You are surrounded by love and we will always protect Angelica's memory with you and for you.

Good night my friend, I truly love you,
jane

Cindy · **Posted:** Fri Oct 26, 2007 2:01 am

Oh man this topic is so deep I'm not sure I can go here but I'll try. I've put it off long enough I guess.
1. Acknowledge the loss...Ok I've done this and I don't like it.

2. Accept the pain of grief. Try to live THROUGH it, not avoid it...I am living through it. I have never even tried to avoid it. Well, I guess when I lost the twins I did but I didn't know any better and thought that was what I was suppose to do. But not with B.J. I couldn't and didn't want to anyway.

3. Share your thoughts and feelings. Find enough compassionate listeners. You can talk - - more than one person can listen!...That first year and a half or so Bobby and I set up for 2-4 hours every night and just talked and cried and prayed. If I hadn't have had him I don't think I would have survived. We also go to a support group once a month that has played it's part in being a lifesaver. Then when I found the other Forums I felt like I finally found the support I needed. Now I have these to come to and with all of the above...I'm blessed. I'm not alone and I'm so thankful. But I have to say that if it hadn't been for the Lord I know I wouldn't have survived. I've been completely honest with Him always and He just keeps on loving me.

4. Understand that each person has an individual timetable for grief. Each person grieves separately and differently. We move through grief at our own pace...All I can say to this one is it's so true and thank God I don't have to keep up with anyone else. I need to get to move at my own pace.

5. Find your sense of humor. Try to hang on to it!...It took me a long time to find my sense of humor again and then even longer to realize I had. About a month ago I was talking to someone on the phone that didn't know B.J. and doesn't even know me about what a nut B.J. was when he was still here. And she asked me...and just where do you think he got that from? and I said I don't know. She then went on to tell me that in the small amount of time that she has had anything to do with me that she knows he got it from me. That made me stop and realize...hey, maybe she's right. I have began to get my sense of humor back and it took her pointing it out to me for me to see it. I'm so glad she did. It's not where it once was but I'm getting there and I'm glad. B.J. use to make me laugh so much and I know he wants me to laugh again.

6. Get some physical exercise. If nothing else, jog your memory...I have tried to do this by walking. Not always a long distance and never real fast but I do because my blood pressure will get too high if I don't and I'd end up having a stroke. My family still needs me so I can't do that. When B.J. died I gained 40 lbs. but in the past little over a year I have lost 45! So as B.J. use to say...just call me butter I'm on a roll! :lol:

7. Learn to hug again...This one was hard for me because to hug means to love and to love means to lose and to lose means to hurt. But I did learn.

8. Accept yourself. Understand you are someone new. Acknowledge that change...I have and I'm going to learn how to live again. I just need time. I'm getting there.

9. Begin to become the person you already are...I think I am.

10. Remember, though death comes, LOVE NEVER GOES AWAY!!!...You couldn't take my boys out of my heart if you wanted to. They have always been a part of me and they will always be a part of me. Oh I do love them.

Well, I guess you really can call me butter cause I really did get on a roll after all! But B.J. is my "Butter" and I'm his "Syrup" so roll just make room for us both! :wink:

Love, Cindy

SeventhHeaven · **Joined:** Thu Oct 18, 2007 4:41 am **Posts:** 61

Hello everyone,

I cant begin to tell you how much your sharing means to me.

What sticks out for me is trauma and complicated grief, arising from my first and very early experience of bereavement and multiple losses.

When my brother Peter died, I was a young child. I lost the beacon in my life and back then there where no support groups or counseling services available. My brother is so close to the Lord and shared(s) His love with me. Honestly I still dont think I have "finished" grieving for Peter. Its an experience that is part of my development passing into adult, grown with my bones, knitted into the fabric of my being, how could it not be a significant part of me now?
There are times I still see the images of the car wreck. A pile of scrap metal and half a tyre. You cant even recognize the colour of the car, even though it was midnight blue.
I dont now who or what was thinking, but I didnt get to "see" my brother after he died, so I know a part of my brain just cant accept that he has gone even after 30 years.
What joy I remember is so clouded now as I realise the person who could and would help me most travelling this journey of my four girls in heaven is Peter and he's in heaven too.
And sometimes the thought of Peter looking after my angel girls is just not enough comfort for me on earth. Im sorry but its true. At this moment anyhow.

So well my girls, after Amore, naively felt I was healed in 3 months, then after Cara the shock was too much. I got better emotionally, but again didnt realise I was just at the stage to work through this "grief". Still by then I had 2 small children to look after, so it was no surprise when we lost Teressa, the whole world came crashing down again.

I came up for air, I was pregnant with Pieta. I thought this curse had left me, finally.
The minute they couldnt find a heatrbeat, I disassociated myself.

I had moved on in life from my brother's death. Had a succesful career or two, found a nice husband had a few children ........... Bang the images, feelings, insecurity from that young girl imagining what her brother must of gone through seeing what was left of his car comes crashing into my present ..............

How does one go through and labour 14 hours to deliver her precious girl that she knows has already died? What cruel irony that this is my one and only expereince of natural birth. On top of that as much as I could feel and was present which was next to zero, the real possibility of my uterus rupturing and the imagined complications of that. They told me I neednt be in pain, but the pain was excruciating, the last two hours, the pain control could not keep up. I want to scream, I want to scream but everyone is still asleep here.

Im sorry I cant share anymore right now.

Love and blessings, Maria. xxxxxxxxx

JANE_E · **Posted:** Fri Oct 26, 2007 5:05 pm

Maria,

You've been through hell. I'm so sorry. What mothers go through is unbelievable, we gladly carry our children for nine months, I enjoyed my pregnancies, but then laboring to give birth when we're so happily anticipating our infant is still so painful and difficult.... I can't imagine going through that knowing my infant had already passed into God's hands. Having the tremendous grief, and the labor, is almost more than a mother should have to bear.

I'm sorry Maria........... I'm so grateful that your faith is so strong. It's like Cindy told me, all we really have is God. Times like these are so hard, and even when the physical pain of labor is over..........the emotional pain, the scars will be there forever.

It's truly a case of Post traumatic stress made worse by all the pain, both emotional and physical..... you might need some help letting go of that part of it. The grief part, I don't think anyone can help you with that, it's just love and understanding until time can take the edges off of it and help you become the new person you will be.

I pray, Maria, that you will never have anymore grief to deal with in this lifetime.....

Love,
jane

Barbara · **Posted:** Fri Oct 26, 2007 5:15 pm

Maria,
I'm so sorry for all the pain you've had in your life.One should not have to carry that weight on their shoulders.You will forever be in my heart,thoughts and prayers.
May God Bless.
Love and many,many Hugs,
Barbara

SeventhHeaven · **Joined:** Thu Oct 18, 2007 4:41 am **Posts:** 61

Dear All,

Im so grateful that my thoughts and feelings have been accepted so loving and compassionately. Im sorry for the rawness of it all, but Im very sorry that you have all experienced and living the same journey.

Dear Tammy, thank you for your sharing, in a strange way it helps to know that I may never had accepted as a child even if I had viewed Peter's body. Though the fact "others" did who may have only been acquaintances seems unreal to me that they had that intimate encounter with my brother and I did not.
Thank you Tammy for your love of my angels in heaven and earth.
You are always in my prayers Tammy.

Dear Barbara,
Im sorry we share this awful pain, I thank you for your heart and prayers.
May God continue to shower us all with His love, but most of all may we feel His holding us in the palm of His hands especially in our darkest moments.
Sending much love and many hugs to you also.

Dear Jane,
Thank you for articulating everything so clearly for me.
I have thought it was so .......... I have started seeing someone, but I dont think its apparent yet to them.
I have the same prayer Jane, unvoiced because I cant even go there.
Thank you for sharing your heart so with me, and especially for leading me here.
Sending you much love, prayers and hugs always.

Cindy, thank you for your lovely hugs! You have been the most dearest friend to me.
Thank you.

All your love, prayers and faith strengthen my faith as well as me.

I love you all!

Much love and blessings, Maria. xxxxxxxxx

P.S. I got this in an email the other day:

Many times in our lives,
we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt ................
We feel as though we are worthless.

But no matter what has happened or
what will happen, you will never lose your value.

Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased,
you are still
priceless to those who LOVE you.

The worth of our
lives comes not in what we do or who we know,
but by WHO WE ARE and
WHOSE WE ARE.
You are
special.

I love you all!

Cookie7434 · **Posted:** Fri Oct 26, 2007 9:14 pm

Dear(((Jane)))
Reading your post I just couldn't believe it. I too have the same things going on in my life.I just can't move on. I don't get anything done anymore.Hair, make-up,house,yard,flowers.....Not into it anymore....WOW...I was thinking it was just me.These things are not important to me now. I do find I have more compassion for others and I try to follow that. Material things I could care less about. I can truly feel my heart and what I have to give to others. Thank You for sharing, sending my love and prayers....

Topic Of The Day~Grief The Price We Pay For Love

Who is online