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Am I alone in this fear......... ? It seems to consume me at times.I live in terror that something might happen to my son, my daughter or one of my grandchildren.
I take care of my great grandson every Monday & Tuesday, all day. I've been doing that since he was four weeks old and he is now almost seven months old. I love him every bit as much as if I had given birth to him. To say I adore him is the understatement of the year. He has taken his tiny little hand and wrapped it so tightly around my heart that I cry just to look at him. His smile, his little giggle brings tears to my eyes.
And yet, sometimes when I have him I have stark terror in my heart......... I hold him all day, putting him down only when I place him in his grandpa's arms. I bought one of those bouncy chairs and he loves it. He likes me to sit on the floor by him and we giggle together. I rock him to sleep and hold him while he sleeps and most of the time my tears are falling on his precious little head. I pray every single day for him, especially when I'm holding him and he's sleeping in my arms. I beg God, please don't let anything happen to him, he's the light of my life right now........ I love him so much. He's saved my life and what little bit of sanity I have left.
He's the happiest little baby I've ever seen, he just doesn't cry.......he's interested in everything in every room, I carry him from room to room and show him all the pictures of all my grand kids and his aunts & uncles... and he looks at them all, just as if he knows them.
I've never had a baby laugh so much or be so happy. He absolutely loves his food, and his juices. He eats like there's no tomorrow. He's such a good natured baby, he's a joy to care for.
This little guy was born five weeks early and I was so terrified he would have some problem, but he took right off from day one and has never had a problem of any kind. He weighed less than five pounds after the initial weight loss and they kept mommy & baby in the hospital for several extra days. His mommy's blood pressure had gone so high and she was putting out a lot of protein in her urine so they induced her five weeks before he was due. I saw him in the hospital and the minute I held him I thought "Uh Oh" this little guy is going to steal a huge hunk of my heart. I'd already committed to taking care of him but I had no idea how good he was going to be, or how absolutely adorable he'd end up being......
So, now, after taking care of him for six months, I'm in way too deep. When his mommy picks him up every night after work, my arms feel absolutely empty. It's worked out so well for my grandson & his wife, I have him Mondays & Tuesdays, my daughter (his grandma) has him on Wednesdays & Fridays and his mommy has Thursdays off. He's my daughter & her husband's first grandchild so they think he's absolutely adorable. They just can't hold him and love him enough. He's always in the arms of someone who adores him. Every one in our family thinks he's the most precious thing they've ever seen..... his cousins adore him and will do anything to get a giggle. When my husband walks in the room and the baby sees him he engages his eyes and smiles and reaches for him..........so now his great grandpa is in love with him also.
The problem of course is now I know.............. that God can just call a baby home, just out of our arms at any time. I live in absolute fear that something might happen to him. How could I survive it?
Of course I get nothing done on those two days I have him, he occupies 100% of my days. We rock and sing and bounce and play patti-cake all day long......... sometimes I rock myself to sleep holding him and we both sit in the big leather recliner sleeping.
He's gotten very, very close to me. When he's tired, or hungry he wants me. If he's exhausted I can pick him up and hold him against my chest and he tucks his little nose against my neck and I can feel him physically relax............. and he drifts off to sleep.
His mommy & daddy feel the same way about him. He's their angel, their most precious jewel..... but they don't know, and I'd never say a word to them....... that sometimes babies are just too precious to be left here on earth.... Sometimes, no matter what you do, you just can't protect them.......Life can let you fall so deeply in love and then just snatch them away. I go into a terrible anxiety attack just thinking about it.
And I cry........... He reminds me so much of my own sweet babies and how much love I felt for them when I held them. But, I didn't have time to hold my own all the time, especially after the second one..... life was too busy.........too many responsibilities.... but now I know just what is the most important thing in the world and it's not housework............. it's that light that shines in an infants eyes when he's warm,dry and well fed and adored. I was that way with Scott because my other two were in school all day, so I had so many hours alone with him and I adored taking care of him every minute of every day........but he was every body's baby.
This little baby gets excellent care from everyone..........why should I feel so much fear? His mommy is so in love with him, it's wonderful to watch that little family together. They are so much in love with each other and with their little infant. It's so sweet.
He's my little "mister man" and he gives me big sloppy kisses on my cheek and when I make a big to do about it, he gives me another one until we're both giggling with joy.
How can such a tiny little person fill you with so much love you simply cry because you can't express how much they mean to you?
Just had to say it, can't tell anyone else how much fear I feel for everyone........ just like I can't tell anyone else much of anything that goes on in my heart or my mind. It upsets others too much.
love,
jane
_________________ Scott Matthew HIll - 2 years old
To lose a child teaches one what the word bereavement really means. There is no loss equal to the loss of a child.
“We are each of us angels with only one wing. And we can only fly embracing each other."
~Luciano De Crescenzo
www.scottmatthew-hill.last-memories.com
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I MISS YOU CHRIS
Keep on creating those memories with him Jane...that is so important! 