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JANE_E
 Post subject: Christmas will be so hard to make it through.............
PostPosted: Mon Dec 24, 2007 2:52 am 
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Joined: Sat Aug 25, 2007 12:46 pm
Posts: 254
Location: Washington State, USA
I have not had the heart to send out cards. I appreciate every one I've received, I love each of you for your thoughtfulness.............and I'm so sorry. I even bought three boxes, but every time I tried to start on them it turned into a meltdown.......... I just couldn't do it.

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Tomorrow night I'll have my family here, I still haven't finished cleaning the house or decorating, but it's good enough. I've just finished making a bunch of dips and I'll make more tomorrow........and I'll have candy and sweet snacks on the table. That's it. I still have a few presents to wrap........but I'll do that tonight when the kids get into bed. I've been so sad all day....... fighting the tears. My daughter called to see how I was doing and the minute she asked, I started sobbing into the phone and so did she. It's so hard, so.....so hard to do this when you've lost one of your children. My heart just doesn't feel the same joy I've always felt at Christmas.

I miss my son, my beloved, precious son......... I miss him more than words can tell.My heart is aching to the point I've been feeling I may be having a heart attack, but I know it's just sorrow.

I don't want to do Christmas anymore. It should be a time of family togetherness, love and good spirit. I'm full of love but my spirit is so broken....anything I do tomorrow night will be purely acting for the sake of my loved ones.

Then, of course Thursday is Scott's little girl's birthday and Friday is his birthday. So, I have to find a way to get through all of the next week starting tomorrow night. I wish I didn't feel so anxious and sad about it all........... I keep thinking what if this is my last Christmas with them? Is this how I want them to remember me? My little granddaughter who lives in Seattle has been emailing me and telling me how much she loves me and how she just can't wait to get here. The presents are all wrapped and under the tree, except nothing for Scott.........for the first time in 40 years, there will be no gifts for my son, my precious beloved son.......

How do I watch everyone open their gifts and sit there smiling and thinking how much my heart hurts.........because he isn't here with us.

I don't think I can do it this year ...... I just don't know if I can do it.

I have all three of Scott's children here, and all my other grandchildren will be here for Christmas Eve........ I'm so fortunate....... I'm so lucky to have them all with me............. What is wrong with me that I'm struggling so much now to remember to count my blessings........... I feel physically ill. My heart is actually struggling to keep beating.

If there truly is a hell, it's inside my mind...........If I have done things I need to be punished for........I hope this is all the punishment I have coming. I'd rather deal with physical pain than this horrible, horrible heart ache.

I hope, no I pray................ that all of you will make it through the holidays without any further disasters adding to the pain you already carry in your hearts.

I appreciate everything you have done for me this year, I love you and feel a closeness to you that I don't feel with some of my friends that I've known all my life.

God Bless & keep you and all your loved ones safe,
jane

_________________
Scott Matthew HIll - 2 years old
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To lose a child teaches one what the word bereavement really means. There is no loss equal to the loss of a child.

“We are each of us angels with only one wing. And we can only fly embracing each other."
~Luciano De Crescenzo

www.scottmatthew-hill.last-memories.com
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Lynda
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Dec 24, 2007 9:17 am 
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Joined: Thu Aug 23, 2007 10:23 am
Posts: 483
Location: North Carolina
Dear Jane,
It has taken every ounce of energy I have to make this years Christmas special for my children and for my husband. I have to be honest with you, I can not imagine the added pain of having my son's birthday in the midst of it all. I really do not know what to say other than to keep putting one foot in front of the other no matter how hard it is, because your children, husband, grandchildren, and even great-grandchildren need their Grandma Jane in their lives right now. What has helped me the most (I know this is easier said than done, especially with everything you have coming up) is keeping focused on creating memories I want Craig and my other children to remember me by...this has helped me to stay focused this holiday season.
I will keep you in my prayers. Also, I will be home all morning tomorrow, I won't leave until around 3:00pm so if you need to slip away and talk with someone, even if it is for 2 minutes, call me. HUGS!
Hugs,
Lynda

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Some only dream of Angels. I held one in my arms.
Garion, I love you!
Mommy
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Patsy-VernsMom
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Dec 24, 2007 2:57 pm 
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Joined: Mon Sep 03, 2007 11:21 am
Posts: 45
Location: Bloomfield Mo
Jane I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers as I will everyone. I feel the same way, the melt downs are coming in waves for me. I have roses I am taking to Vernon early Christmas morning as I go down to a Walmart to just sit all day until 11 Christmas nite because they want a guard to watch while they are closed. Will be a long emotional day for me, glad no one will be around to see me.
Today I have felt as if I can't do this any more, God and his strength will get us all through.

God Bless us All
Patsy

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REMEMBER ME WITH SMILES AND LAUGHTER, THAT IS HOW I REMEMBER YOU, YOUR LOVE I TAKE TO HEAVEN WITH ME, MY LOVE I LEAVE WITH EACH OF YOU....

VERNON EUGENE LIPSEY-MY BABY-FOREVER 18
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Cindy
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Dec 25, 2007 12:05 am 
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Joined: Tue Aug 28, 2007 12:57 pm
Posts: 578
Location: Texas
{{{Jane}}} I'm keeping you in my prayers. I love you my friend.
Love, Cindy

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B.J. you will always be my best Buddy in the Whole World. B.J., Wayne and Buck...forever loved and missed and never forgotten.
http://bobby-outlawii.last-memories.com
http://bjoutlawii.memory-of.com
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JANE_E
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Dec 25, 2007 3:39 am 
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Joined: Sat Aug 25, 2007 12:46 pm
Posts: 254
Location: Washington State, USA
Oh my friends,

I can't even say what's in my heart tonight......... just oh my friends and Oh my God.

My heart feels as if it's bleeding out. I wish we could keep Christmas as a high holy day of obligation and forget all the rest of it, no presents, no Santa.....nohting but family & God.

I really need God tonight, I feel as if I'm dying........... it hurts so much.


_________________
Scott Matthew HIll - 2 years old
Image
To lose a child teaches one what the word bereavement really means. There is no loss equal to the loss of a child.

“We are each of us angels with only one wing. And we can only fly embracing each other."
~Luciano De Crescenzo

www.scottmatthew-hill.last-memories.com
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