I was 20 weeks pregnant when I went to a dr's appt to have a check up and listen to the heart beat.
They couldn't find a heart beat so they sent me for some blood tests. When the blood tests came back they said that I was still very much pregnant and it must just be the way the baby was sitting inside of me.
I went back the next week again, and again they couldn't find the heart beat so they sent me for more blood tests and again they came back good. I told the Dr that I could still feel her move.
I lived in a very small town that didn't have an ultrasound machine so I couldn't have one done right away.
The Dr decided that I needed to go and have an ultrasound.
So I drove the hour and a half to a larger town and went and had the ultrasound done, I looked at the screen and saw my little girl curled up with her hand in her mouth.
They did more blood work and then I had to wait to see another Dr. That Dr came in and told me that it was all very confusing, he couldn't get the test results for whatever reason and he talked to the x-ray tech but couldn't get in touch with the radiologist.
He told me that my daughter had died, the minute he told me that the room started to spin and went black.
So they induced labour and told me to come back in the morning (bed shortages... grrr)
At 1am I went in to hard labour, all the while all I kept thinking was I was giving birth to my dead daughter.
I went back to the hospital at 6am and was admitted to the emergency room.
When I got to the hospital they told me that they had screwed up and she wasn't dead.
The dr had gotten in touch with the radiologist after they had induced labour and he told the dr that she was still alive. Because they had induced labour and sent me to a motel (I didn't live there, it is/was common practice to send people that were haveing still births home or to a motel) they couldn't get ahold of me to try and stop the labour.
By the time that I went in in the morning it was to late.
I gave birth to her and they took her away.
They wouldn't let me see her and then came in later to tell me that she had been born alive but she had died. They for some reason wouldn't let me see her or have her. They said that she had to have a autopsy and it was all hospital policy. It was all very confusing.
So looking back I didn't get ultrasound pics of her and I wish everyday that I would have, because that was the only time that I ever saw her and the brief glance as they took her away.
This all may sound a little weird and it was a massive hospital screw up, however since Chloe's death I have heard similar stories happening at this hospital.
There was a news article from a couple that had a similar experiance 3 years later, so I also wrote the the paper telling them my story, which lead to an investigation of the hospital. I can't find my article as our paper is so small and the archives don't go back that far, so here is a link to a similar story.... the differance is that her baby was stilll born
http://www.cbc.ca/canada/story/2006/06/ ... kip300x250
We tried so hard to get pregnant with her and from the moment we found out Chloe was loved so very much. She was my world. I was just glowing.
When she died at 21 weeks it very literally just about killed me, because I tried to take my own life.
I only wanted to be with her again, and nothing could be worse than the pain that I was in. After trying to take my life I woke up in the hospital 3 days later, under went a lot of therapy, and got to the point where I could make it through.
Not long after that (about 4 months) I became deathly ill, ended up in the ICU and was told I only had 2 hours to live. I didn't know it then but that was the beginning of 4 years in the hospital. They have told me 5 times that I wouldn't make it out alive, I have been on life support 3 times, and been diagnosed with a rare auto immune disorder and a very rare metabolic disorder. Both are in cureable and are killing me.
I won't be able to have my own kids.
Chloe would be 4 and a half now and I am glad that she hasn't had to see me in the hospital and wonder if mommy was going to be coming home. I am glad that if I do die she won't have to live without her mom. But I still miss her like crazy and it still hurts like he*l and I would still do anything to have her back.
Everyone told me that it would get easier, and it has but not much. I still have a hard time seeing other babies, I am happy for their parents but it just reminds me of what I have lost.
I know that she is with God and that one day I will be with her again, and until then I have an angel looking over me and I will see her in my dreams.
Everyone here is in my thoughts and my prayers
God Bless
Erin
P.S. Here are some pics of her memorial site and of a memorial tattoo that I got for her.
I should also mention that the Dr lost his licence and the radiologist lost his job.
The tattoo
Chloe's memorial stone at the Cemetery
Chloe's first x-mas ornament.
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