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| New Here - My little Angel Jacob http://forum.last-memories.com/viewtopic.php?f=13&t=1289 |
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| Author: | JakiesMom [ Tue Apr 15, 2008 12:09 pm ] |
| Post subject: | New Here - My little Angel Jacob |
Almost 2 weeks ago, on April 3, 2008, I lost the thing most valuable to me - my son, Jacob John Heit. He was only 14 months old, and a healthy happy child. A cause of death has not been found after the autopsy, and although we are still awaiting a number of tests (toxicology, etc.), his death is being labeled as SUDC (Sudden Unexplained Death of a Child) - basically an older version of SIDS. Only 200 kids die of SUDC a year in the states, how come it had to be MY child. Why Jacob, he was so sweet and precious, he didn't do anything wrong to deserve this. Jacob went down for his nap that Thursday at his dayhome, and never awoke. It just makes me sick to my stomach to think about the details of that day again. And all this hurt and anger inside me is just bringing me to my knees - why our son, why our family, why me! What did we do to deserve this, why was my child cheated out of the rest of his life, what does anyone have to go through this loss! It just doesn't make sense - how can a God so full of love hurt so many people, why did he take my child from me, and why doesn't my child not get to enjoy his full life here on earth, with all the love that I need to give him. Why? He was our first child, and I knew before he was born that I needed to be a mother. People keep telling me that I was such a good mom - but I'm not, I failed. I failed to keep my son safe to live his full life, I failed him. How can I continue on in my life when he was my life, my whole world, my reason for living? I'm just so angry at the world - it's so hard to look at another happy family and say why us, because cause that should be us enjoying life, with no cares in the world, with no heartbreak because we've been separated. That should be us smiling and laughing, watching Jacob experience his first summer being able to walk around and run through the grass. That should be us. And at the same time, I wouldn't wish this upon anyone. People keep telling us that they can't imagine how we're feeling, and I tell them "don't", don't even imagine it because it's worse that you could possibly dream. I keep finding myself crying almost every moment of the day. The pictures are getting easier to look at, but the videos just make me burst into tears. Knowing that I never get to hear him, touch him, see him, smell him or hug him again just makes me fall to the floor. I just wish I knew if he was safe, and that he couldn't feel all this hurt that I'm experiencing. I want him to be happy and just to feel how much we love him, but the doubt just cripples me. I want to believe that he's safe and happy, but I need proof, and I don't know how I'll ever get that proof that will satisfy these feelings of guilt. I just can't believe this is happening. I'm not sure exactly what I'm looking for in this post, I guess I just need to vent a little. I guess I keep hoping that all the research I'm doing, and all the people that I try to talk to will eventually lead me to answer Why. But I know deep down that I'll never find an answer but to give up looking, feels like I'm letting down my child. How I wish I could trade places with him so that he can live his life, because without him, I don't feel like I have one. Kim Mother to the best Angel around - Baby Jacob January 30, 2007-April 3, 2008 |
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| Author: | MissingMyMelody&Mommy [ Wed Apr 16, 2008 5:51 am ] |
| Post subject: | |
Oh Kim I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet Jacob. Everything you are feeling is normal, or at least what is our new normal. You are so new to this long, hard journey. I pray that you can find some peace in the coming days, weeks and months ahead and I'm glad that you found us though I wish you didn't have a reason to be here. I'm sending you lots of hugs, peace, white light and prayers for gentler days ahead. Love, Crystal |
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| Author: | Cece [ Wed Apr 16, 2008 2:30 pm ] |
| Post subject: | |
Kim, I know your pain so well. It just resonates within me. This is the hardest thing you will ever go through, but eventually it does get a little easier. Someday you will be able to look at the videos and cry tears of laughter not pain. The memories you have will bring joy, not tears. Grief is a process that you are just beginning. You will find many loving moms here. Come and vent anytime. We know. Love, Lucy |
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| Author: | Barbara [ Wed Apr 16, 2008 9:02 pm ] |
| Post subject: | |
Kim, I know the pain and anger you feel so well.This journey we are all on will never be easy.You go through denial,anger,and so many other emotions.Theres always the question WHY? Why my child? But none of us have that answer.Just know you are not alone in your grief we are all here for you to listen anytime. I will keep you in my prayers for you to find some since of peace. Love and Hugs, Barbara |
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