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 Post subject: Hello to my dear friends...
PostPosted: Wed Apr 23, 2008 8:49 am 
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Joined: Thu Aug 23, 2007 10:23 am
Posts: 483
Location: North Carolina
Hi! As I sit here this morning and think about how in 24 hours, 13 years ago, I was about 5 minutes from my doctors office after being in labor at home for 3 hours up to this point and time. I didn't have Garion until almost 6pm on the 24th...first child, long labor, no drugs...OUCH! When I think about these things I don't know whether to smile or cry. I smile because Garion was (and continues) to be such a blessing in our lives...but I cry because I miss him so terribly much. There are no words to describe what I feel...and quit honestly, I don't think I need to put what I feel into words on this board, you all already know.
I have learned something new over the last year about my grief...and that is, what I need changes drastically from month to month, week to week, or even day to day. What I need one day to help me through, may make me quiver the next day...grief is exhausting! One phase I go through is needing to talk with other people, other grieving families. Yet another phase I have experienced is wanting to be left alone, even from my own family and close friends. Yet another phase is for me to keep busy, to the point of falling asleep while I work...but then there are days I can't lift a finger and I am curled on the couch until Craig gets home. I don't understand it...but I am learning to accept my unique way of grieving (NOT accept my child's death).The only way I can make any sense of it is that subconsciously I am trying to find ways to cope. And just when I thought I found my "nitch", it no longer works, because there is nothing I can do to make all of this "OK" in my life.
With that being said, I have been keeping busy lately. So much so that I have lost over 30 lbs in 2 months. We are on our last week of officially homeschooling out of our full year curriculum, A MONTH EARLY. We finished our CAT testing, YEAH! I have redecorated our bedroom (new paint, new furniture, the works) and I am currently waiting on our new dinning room furniture to be delivered today. We have traveled to South Carolina for a week long business trip and recently returned from Georgia 2 weeks ago. It is also baseball time and Rylon is playing Babe Ruth machine pitch and he also recently joined Cub Scouts (same cub scout pack Garion was in). Rylon also raced in his first durby race and came in 2nd place. Calyn was recently accepted into the DUKE University TIP program, the same program Garion had been accepted in to. Our family has also joined the local co-op in our county that consists of 100 other families whom also homeschool and this has been a lot of fun for our family...we are always on the go!
With all of this said...I MISS YOU ALL SO MUCH! I do check in on you all every morning and every night...I just don't stay on long enough to write or email anyone...shame on me! I need to make an effort, for myself, to put my work aside for a few and talk more about my grief instead of keeping it to myself like I have been. Does anyone else on here try to "cover" up their heartache by overworking themselves? Or can anyone else relate to these "phases" of grief/depression that are such extremes of each other?
I will make it a point to try and post more often...but I have learned not to make any promises. That is another thing that scares me so much lately, COMMITMENTS! I have to do things spur of the moment because I am afraid to commit to anything, not knowing if it will be another day on the couch for me.
Anyways, I love you all and I think of your angels so much. They are such a part of my life...they were there with Garion to help me during my darkest moments.
Hugs,
Lynda

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Some only dream of Angels. I held one in my arms.
Garion, I love you!
Mommy
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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Apr 23, 2008 9:51 am 
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Joined: Sun Aug 26, 2007 10:23 pm
Posts: 480
Location: Oklahoma
Oh Lynda,
I'm so glad to see you post,I have been so worried about you. Grief is very exhausting. I have found myself falling asleep trying to work or finish something. Congratulations on your weight loss, but as long as you are happy with yourself thats all that matters.
Don't forget I'm always here for you if you want to talk.I miss you alot and so happy all is ok with you.
Don't stay away so long! I love you girl!! {{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}} to you and your family
Barbara

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Apr 23, 2008 9:57 am 
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Joined: Tue Aug 28, 2007 12:57 pm
Posts: 578
Location: Texas
Oh Lynda, it's so good to hear from you. I've missed you so much too. Girl you have been so busy. All that you said about your roller coaster ride is about on track. Isn't it so hard? I just don't want you to keep it bottled up too much because then healing won't be able to come. Just keep holding on to Jesus...he's the only way we're going to make it.
I have to tell you the other day for some unknown reason I started singing the banoo noo song and sweet Garion came to my mind and I smiled but was so sad at the same time. {{{Lynda}}} what I'd give if I could bring him back to you. :cry:
As for my post...you know thank you for remembering Garion isn't necessary but you're more than welcome my friend.
Love hugs and many prayers, Cindy

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B.J. you will always be my best Buddy in the Whole World. B.J., Wayne and Buck...forever loved and missed and never forgotten.
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PostPosted: Wed Apr 23, 2008 2:56 pm 
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Joined: Sat Aug 25, 2007 12:46 pm
Posts: 254
Location: Washington State, USA
Hi Lynda,

It's good to hear from you and that you're doing as well as anyone could expect. It sounds as if you are making the effort............. sometimes I think having younger children is a blessing because it forces one to keep moving, regardless of how difficult it is. Younger children are also grieving and deserve a chance to have a full and good childhood, as best we can give them, even in the midst of grief.That takes a lot of strength and I believe you're finding that you have more strength than you thought. In the beginning sometimes, we have to fake it......... but then with God's help, it can begin helping us move along on our journey.

In your heart, tucked into a spot that will be with you forever, Garion still is with you. He's safe there and you can turn inward to visit him whenever you need to. Grief is so unpredictable............ and can be so sneaky. Just when we think we're doing so much better............. it can grab you and drag you totally down.........sometimes keeping you there for long periods of time.

Sometimes, out of a clear sky........... I can hear Scott's voice in my mind. So clearly it would seem he's here with me........... and those times still cause me to weep. I miss him and that will never, ever go away.

You've been busy girl.............. that's good Lynda. I think sometimes keeping busy helps keep our minds on today, and helps to keep sorrow at bay, at least most of the time.

I think of you, of all of you, often. I check back in occasionally to read to see how everyone is doing.

I'm still stuck, but I'm hoping, come spring, I'll move forward a wee distance on my journey.

love you girl,
jane

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Scott Matthew HIll - 2 years old
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To lose a child teaches one what the word bereavement really means. There is no loss equal to the loss of a child.

“We are each of us angels with only one wing. And we can only fly embracing each other."
~Luciano De Crescenzo

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PostPosted: Wed Apr 23, 2008 3:36 pm 
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Joined: Sun Aug 26, 2007 4:24 pm
Posts: 350
Location: Portland,Oregon
Lynda, All I can say is that it is GREAT to hear from you. This journey we are on takes many forms and IS always unpredictable. Keep the faith.

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Lucy Carter

http://laura-dawn.last-memories.com

In loving memory of, Laura Dawn 2/26/68-7/19/07, my first born child, my daughter, my friend.
And
In loving memory of, Myron H. (Ozzie) Osborne 8/22/22-3/29/89, My dad, my teacher, my hero.
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Megan, Heather, Andrew,( Laura ), Mary, Jim, Russell


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Apr 23, 2008 5:36 pm 
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Joined: Thu Aug 23, 2007 10:23 am
Posts: 483
Location: North Carolina
Dear Barbara, Cindy, Jane, and Mama Lucy...HUGS! I miss you ladies, Moms, my dear friends whom understand me like no one else does. Thank you all for the warm welcome and the encouraging words. I have leaned on Jesus for all of my strength...but sometimes I fall the other way, and that is when I fall flat on my face. I pick myself up and try again, and again, and again...my new normal.
Love you all!
Hugs,
Lynda

What would your angel be doing on this Wednesday night? I is 5:32pm here in NC and I know that my Garion would be outside playing with Dylan right now. There are no scouts today, no ball games tonight for his age group that I am aware of, and the sun is still out...yep, he would be outside playing with his buddies :) I miss my baby!

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Some only dream of Angels. I held one in my arms.
Garion, I love you!
Mommy
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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Apr 23, 2008 6:51 pm 
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Joined: Tue Aug 28, 2007 12:57 pm
Posts: 578
Location: Texas
Oh Lynda, we all fall the other way often and that's ok too. We're still human. :)
It's 5:48 pm right now here in Texas and if my boys were here they would be getting ready to go to church @ 7:00. I guess they are having the best church of us all in Heaven though...sure wish I was.
Hugs and prayers, Cindy

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B.J. you will always be my best Buddy in the Whole World. B.J., Wayne and Buck...forever loved and missed and never forgotten.
http://bobby-outlawii.last-memories.com
http://bjoutlawii.memory-of.com


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Apr 23, 2008 8:24 pm 
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Joined: Sun Aug 26, 2007 4:24 pm
Posts: 350
Location: Portland,Oregon
It is 5:22 PM here and my Laura would be fixing supper for her family. But, she is not. Her son, brad is in my kitchen with his Grandpa Bill. They are cooking Laura's recipe for Mexican Chicken. Yummo.

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Lucy Carter

http://laura-dawn.last-memories.com

In loving memory of, Laura Dawn 2/26/68-7/19/07, my first born child, my daughter, my friend.
And
In loving memory of, Myron H. (Ozzie) Osborne 8/22/22-3/29/89, My dad, my teacher, my hero.
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Megan, Heather, Andrew,( Laura ), Mary, Jim, Russell


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Apr 23, 2008 10:32 pm 
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Joined: Sun Aug 26, 2007 10:23 pm
Posts: 480
Location: Oklahoma
Its 9:30 here now and Michael would on his way home from work and the first thing he would say when he walked in the door " What was for supper,I'm hungry" :) I miss hearing that.I miss him so much.
love and hugs,
Barbara

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PostPosted: Wed Apr 23, 2008 11:01 pm 
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Joined: Fri Aug 31, 2007 11:23 am
Posts: 330
Location: Pennsylvania
Oh Lynda, it is sooooooo wonderful to hear from you!!!! You are in my thoughts and prayers everyday!!!!!! I love and miss you so much!!!!

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Tonya ~ Mommy to Nadia Rose, Baby Cooper and precious Angels Jaydon and Jordan

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Apr 24, 2008 6:26 am 
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Joined: Sun Dec 09, 2007 10:40 pm
Posts: 21
Location: south Carolina
Lynda, its always good to hear from you. Please know if you ever need anything or someone to talk to I am here for you. Im keeping you and Craig and the kids in my thoughts today. Sending you all lots of love and hugs.


Brandy

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Apr 24, 2008 7:46 am 
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Joined: Thu Aug 23, 2007 10:23 am
Posts: 483
Location: North Carolina
You all show such love and kindness...thank you for all the candles and prayers, it helps so much. I can't wait to show Craig, Calyn, an Rylon how much our family and Garion continues to be thought about when they wake up. I guess everyone had a difficult night, knowing what the morning brought, because it is unusual for both Calyn and Rylon to crawl into our bed in the middle of the night...all 4 of us on a queen bed...all I could do was snuggle and hug them throughout the night. Much love to you all!
Hugs,
Lynda

_________________
Some only dream of Angels. I held one in my arms.
Garion, I love you!
Mommy
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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Apr 24, 2008 10:46 am 
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Joined: Sun Aug 26, 2007 1:21 pm
Posts: 180
Location: Kansas
Lynda~I think of you and your family each and everyday. You are an amazing person and we all need "our" time.

Let me tell ya, I haven't been on this group site for probably a couple months. But today, something said go check it out. I am so glad I did, I was sent here because it is Garion's birthday and I was not to forget it. I like you keep myself busy to prevent myself from thinking to much.

Know you are in my heart and will forever be.

Love and Hugs
Tanya

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Tanya~Mommy to Karson Dean 2yo and Angel Naudya Jo May 1-16, 2007
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