Hi! As I sit here this morning and think about how in 24 hours, 13 years ago, I was about 5 minutes from my doctors office after being in labor at home for 3 hours up to this point and time. I didn't have Garion until almost 6pm on the 24th...first child, long labor, no drugs...OUCH! When I think about these things I don't know whether to smile or cry. I smile because Garion was (and continues) to be such a blessing in our lives...but I cry because I miss him so terribly much. There are no words to describe what I feel...and quit honestly, I don't think I need to put what I feel into words on this board, you all already know. I have learned something new over the last year about my grief...and that is, what I need changes drastically from month to month, week to week, or even day to day. What I need one day to help me through, may make me quiver the next day...grief is exhausting! One phase I go through is needing to talk with other people, other grieving families. Yet another phase I have experienced is wanting to be left alone, even from my own family and close friends. Yet another phase is for me to keep busy, to the point of falling asleep while I work...but then there are days I can't lift a finger and I am curled on the couch until Craig gets home. I don't understand it...but I am learning to accept my unique way of grieving (NOT accept my child's death).The only way I can make any sense of it is that subconsciously I am trying to find ways to cope. And just when I thought I found my "nitch", it no longer works, because there is nothing I can do to make all of this "OK" in my life. With that being said, I have been keeping busy lately. So much so that I have lost over 30 lbs in 2 months. We are on our last week of officially homeschooling out of our full year curriculum, A MONTH EARLY. We finished our CAT testing, YEAH! I have redecorated our bedroom (new paint, new furniture, the works) and I am currently waiting on our new dinning room furniture to be delivered today. We have traveled to South Carolina for a week long business trip and recently returned from Georgia 2 weeks ago. It is also baseball time and Rylon is playing Babe Ruth machine pitch and he also recently joined Cub Scouts (same cub scout pack Garion was in). Rylon also raced in his first durby race and came in 2nd place. Calyn was recently accepted into the DUKE University TIP program, the same program Garion had been accepted in to. Our family has also joined the local co-op in our county that consists of 100 other families whom also homeschool and this has been a lot of fun for our family...we are always on the go! With all of this said...I MISS YOU ALL SO MUCH! I do check in on you all every morning and every night...I just don't stay on long enough to write or email anyone...shame on me! I need to make an effort, for myself, to put my work aside for a few and talk more about my grief instead of keeping it to myself like I have been. Does anyone else on here try to "cover" up their heartache by overworking themselves? Or can anyone else relate to these "phases" of grief/depression that are such extremes of each other? I will make it a point to try and post more often...but I have learned not to make any promises. That is another thing that scares me so much lately, COMMITMENTS! I have to do things spur of the moment because I am afraid to commit to anything, not knowing if it will be another day on the couch for me. Anyways, I love you all and I think of your angels so much. They are such a part of my life...they were there with Garion to help me during my darkest moments. Hugs, Lynda
_________________ Some only dream of Angels. I held one in my arms.
Garion, I love you!
Mommy
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