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 Post subject: Where I have Been!!
PostPosted: Thu May 08, 2008 9:41 am 
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Joined: Sun Aug 26, 2007 1:21 pm
Posts: 180
Location: Kansas
I know I haven't posted in awhile. Heck I hadn't been to this site in forever till a couple days ago. Emotionally I was not able to. As ya all know I just passed the 1st birthday of Naudya Jo, It really took me down. I was in such a rut I didn't know what to do. I got through her birthday and thought I would pop back out just like I always seemed to do before. However, that was not the case. In the last 7 days I have become even more of a different person than what I was a year ago. DH and I have had alot of different emotions going on and we have found it hard to communicate without me becoming a completely different person. I was sure I would be ok but as time showed I wasn't and I am not. I am an emotional mess, I don't sleep even though I am exhausted, I am always on the low point. Though I am stubborn and bull-headed I kept saying I don't need help, I can do this on my own. Well after a much needed, very heated convo between dh and I, it has been brought to my attention that I can't do this on my own. The possibility of my husband leaving me and taking my living child and then possibly taking my newborn child opened my eyes. I realized I was tearing my family apart and only I was going to be the one to change that. So I called and got an appt with a counselor and was seen immediately. It was a long appt with mostly paperwork BUT I came walking out of there better then when I went in. So far I am set up for weekly appointments. Sadly I was in denial I never wanted to be "labeled" as depressed but after my appt it is only obvious that I am moderately depressed. The smile I walk around with is not real. I have not been real for over a year now and it will more than likely get worse before it gets better. Only time will tell.

Tanya~Who hopes to be back more and become more active with this forum. We need to get it back to where we once were.

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Tanya~Mommy to Karson Dean 2yo and Angel Naudya Jo May 1-16, 2007
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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu May 08, 2008 11:19 am 
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Joined: Thu Aug 23, 2007 10:23 am
Posts: 483
Location: North Carolina
(((HUGS))) Tanya! So good to see you on here but I am also so very sorry to read about the difficult time you have been having. I can understand...I think most of us can. Hitting rock bottom is so hard, but it can also be a blessing, because there is only one way to go from there and that is up...however slightly up we can possibly go after experiencing what we all have. It is such a long and slow process. For me, I have gotten so use to wearing this mask and can seem fine most of the time to other people. I am able to even trick myself into feeling "fine" when out and about. But the truth comes out when I am alone and I do not have to be as self conscious of my behavior, tears, tantrums, moods, etc. Just know we are here for you and I am sure most of us know exactly where you are coming from. Please also know that there is nothing wrong with seeking help...it takes a strong person to do what you have.
Hugs,
Lynda

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu May 08, 2008 12:21 pm 
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Joined: Sun Aug 26, 2007 1:21 pm
Posts: 180
Location: Kansas
Thanks Lynda~
At this point in my life I can't think of what tomorrow is going to bring, I have to worry about getting through today. Seeking the help I needed was a challenge for me because I am one of those people who say "I am better than that, I don't need help" when actually I am no different than anyone going through the grieving process.

It was getting so bad that I was hating and resenting, anything and everyone around me. Sadly, I love this child I am carrying however I was at a stage in my grief that I resented the fact that it is indeed a boy. I hated that feeling and I was so unhappy with how I felt I knew I had to do something.

I will NEVER be the person I was over a year ago, but I can be a better person than what I have become in the last year. One of the hardest questions asked by the counselor was "What are 3 things you are good at?" I only had 2 of the answers, I answered I am a good mom, and I am a determined person (I feel if I wasn't determined I never would of looked for the help I much needed).

My son and son on the way need me. They need me to be strong, they need me to rely on.

If this therapy doesn't work for me and I continue to feel like I do after this baby is born, I will seek medical attention, but until then I have to keep this baby safe.

Love you! (((HUGS)))
Really miss our visits :(

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Tanya~Mommy to Karson Dean 2yo and Angel Naudya Jo May 1-16, 2007
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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue May 13, 2008 9:52 am 
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Joined: Sun Aug 26, 2007 10:23 pm
Posts: 480
Location: Oklahoma
[color=red]{{{{{{{{{{{{{{TANYA}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}You know I am here for you,as I said anytime!!!!!!!

LoveYa,
Barbara[/color]

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