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 Post subject: Do you remember the sound of your child's voice?
PostPosted: Wed Aug 29, 2007 8:25 pm 
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Joined: Sat Aug 25, 2007 12:46 pm
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Location: Washington State, USA
I had to go grocery shopping today, and while I was in the car driving, I heard my son's voice in my mind. Not that he was there talking to me, it was just my memory of him. So many things he would say and do were flashing through my mind. I found myself talking to him and telling him of my sorrow and how I truly don't want to hold him back from anything, but I miss him so much my heart stops beating when I get to thinking of it all. A mother can't ever stop loving her children.

I ran into a friend from high school today. (and that's a long, long time ago) She lost her husband five years ago. I remember seeing her for the first few times during the first and second years and she was grieving so terribly. Today she told me it had been five years and that she thinks she's doing ok. She still gets sad sometimes but she's past the agony of those first years. She told me she can't even imagine what it would be like if she'd lost one of her children. She said it's so sad and so lonely to lose a husband, but to lose a child, she couldn't even begin to imagine how she would survive that.

I can hear Scott's voice in my mind, so clearly sometimes. I'll never, ever be able to understand why we've lost our children. I'm not mad at God, but I just need to understand the reasons for the death of our young ones. My son was a man, but to me, he's eternally my baby. In fact, now that he's gone, I find myself dwelling on those sweet infant times when he was so incredibly little and trusting and I adored every inch of him and every hair on his head.

Here come my tears.......... I miss him so much, sometimes I think I cannot bear this another day.

love you all,
jane

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Scott Matthew HIll - 2 years old
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To lose a child teaches one what the word bereavement really means. There is no loss equal to the loss of a child.

“We are each of us angels with only one wing. And we can only fly embracing each other."
~Luciano De Crescenzo

www.scottmatthew-hill.last-memories.com


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PostPosted: Wed Aug 29, 2007 8:54 pm 
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Location: Florida
Jane,

That's one thing that upsets me so much ~ not remembering the sound of Clint's precious voice. It breaks my heart. Whoever would have thought one heart could continually break and keep on beating at the same time.

Love and hugs,
Susan

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http://clinton-milam.last-memories.com/

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PostPosted: Wed Aug 29, 2007 9:10 pm 
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Joined: Sat Aug 25, 2007 12:46 pm
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Location: Washington State, USA
Oh Susan,
I know so well what you mean. I've said that so many times......... How can my heart keep on beating? It's been broken into a million pieces.

Why does the earth keep on turning? I feel as if the world doesn't understand what's happened.........

I'm sure we all feel like that, it's so painful at times to see everyone going on with their lives, just as if our world hadn't ended.

Love, hugs, prayers,
jane

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Scott Matthew HIll - 2 years old
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To lose a child teaches one what the word bereavement really means. There is no loss equal to the loss of a child.

“We are each of us angels with only one wing. And we can only fly embracing each other."
~Luciano De Crescenzo

www.scottmatthew-hill.last-memories.com


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PostPosted: Wed Aug 29, 2007 9:29 pm 
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Location: North Carolina
Dear Jane & Susan,
Wrapping you both up with hugs as I shed these tears with you both. It can bring me agonizing pain to hear Garion's voice right now. I have not been able to watch home videos where he is talking. I have one I can watch on the pc where he is singing, but the music drains him out, so I guess that is why I can watch it. Garion's best friend Mom has a video of Garion at his best friends Fear Factor birthday party only 3 short months before the accident. I haven't been able to watch it but she has reassured me that she has put it aside for when I am ready to copy it. She said the camera was on Garion more than the birthday boy! He was laughing and playing, and did a close up on the camera. I look forward to seeing it, but I am so scarred to see it!!!!! His voice, his posture, his body movements...I miss it all so much! So why am I so scarred?????

If I think really hard I can hear him. But it takes a lot out of me. I guess in time I will be able to play the home videos and hear him again.

Thank you for bringing this up Jane. It is a relief to talk about things most people do not think of nor understand unless they have been through it.

Hugs,
Lynda

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Some only dream of Angels. I held one in my arms.
Garion, I love you!
Mommy
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 29, 2007 11:27 pm 
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Joined: Sat Aug 25, 2007 12:46 pm
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Location: Washington State, USA
Lynda,
I've been saving a message Scott left on our telephone answering service through Qwest......... When I get a new message and I listen to the new message, my heart skips a beat because one time they called me........which they never do, and told me I'd had a message on there for more than 99 days. It was Scott........ It was left on there in spring of 2006.... But this call came on May 29th, 2007 his son Kevin's 14th birthday. The message hadn't changed........ he had called to say he'd called Kelli before he left for work so if she called here, have her call him at work. The message to her was that he had some concerns about Kevin and wanted to talk to her about it.

The answering service called me with a recorded message to tell me I'd had that message saved for more than 99 days.I always just resave it. So, I took it as a sign for Kevin because it was on Kevin's birthday. But, late that night I got a call from Kelli that Kevin was in the hospital with a broken arm and would be having surgery the next morning.

Having Scott call to tell me he had some concerns about Kevin and then having Kevin end up in surgery was awesome.......! I wasn't sure how to take it. Was it just a
coincidence? I really don't think so........ he probably knew that Kevin was going to get hurt and tried the only way he could to warn us. But, how do you know what the warning means????

But I've listened to that message so many times and every time I have a total meltdown. How can he be gone? He sounds so alive, just like always, his voice is more familiar to me than my own. He sounds just like my son, who happens to simply be at work. I want to keep the message going and talk to him..... so much, but I know he's really not there.

I have videos of Scott's wedding and the birth of each child and I've tried to watch them, but I can't because it's more pain than I've been able to take. At his wedding after the first dance with his new bride he danced with me. During that dance, he told me how very much he loved me, how much he appreciated my love and care for him and how he promised to give his children the same love I gave to him. I cried so hard that I had to go outside for a few minutes. I was so touched by his love and him saying that.

Sometimes I wonder if I've already died and gone to hell! This is truly not the life I planned. I could have easily accepted my own death at a much earlier age.......if my kids were well and happy and taking good care of their own families........ I would not have been sad to go..........but this way.........just sort of "waiting" for that day and wondering how far away it is......... is very, very hard.

I've never talked to a single mother who fears her own death after she's lost a child. It seems to be the only way out of the pain......... and yet......... you're not free to go until God calls you.

So, we just wait and do our best to stay true to the cause until the time comes. My husband hates it when I even mention something like this. He's different, he still has hopes that the pain will get better some day and joy will return.......... I just don't see it.

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Scott Matthew HIll - 2 years old
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To lose a child teaches one what the word bereavement really means. There is no loss equal to the loss of a child.

“We are each of us angels with only one wing. And we can only fly embracing each other."
~Luciano De Crescenzo

www.scottmatthew-hill.last-memories.com


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Aug 30, 2007 12:10 am 
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Joined: Tue Aug 28, 2007 12:57 pm
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Location: Texas
Yes Jane, I still remember B.J.'s voice. I'm not sure if it's because I really remember or if it's because I (do) watch and listen to the few videos I have of him. Yes they make me cry but they do such good things for my heart as well. Also I want to make sure that B.J.'s little brother always remembers his Bubba.

Sometimes, I hear B.J.'s voice in one of my other children and I know a part of him lives on inside of each of them and once again my heart is blessed. Also if I hear a recording of myself talking just a little different...I can't tell that it's not B.J., neither can anyone else in my family. We sounded a lot alike.

I remember one time the dentist office called my house to set up an appointment for B.J. to come in to get his teeth cleaned and B.J. was the one to answer the phone. They thought it was me and they set up his appointment and never even knew it was him that they were talking to and he didn't tell them. He thought it was so funny! I told him well Buddy, it's not because you have a girly voice it's because I have a deep voice. Either way it didn't bother him cause he just thought it was funny to fool them like that.

So in answer to your question...Yes with a little help I do. And the help is ok with me because I don't want to forget.
I would much rather have the real thing though...

Love, Cindy

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B.J. you will always be my best Buddy in the Whole World. B.J., Wayne and Buck...forever loved and missed and never forgotten.
http://bobby-outlawii.last-memories.com
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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Aug 30, 2007 8:30 am 
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Joined: Sun Aug 26, 2007 1:21 pm
Posts: 180
Location: Kansas
I know this is different but when I was pregnant with Naudya Jo, they told us she wouldn't cry like a normal baby after birth. I was prepared for that. However, the moment she was born she let out a very soft cry. Nothing big but I heard it and will forever remember it. The rest of the time she was intubated and or chemically paralyzed so she didn't move or whimper. Seeing her move and try to cry before they did the paralyzing broke my heart because she was trying so hard.

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Tanya~Mommy to Karson Dean 2yo and Angel Naudya Jo May 1-16, 2007
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PostPosted: Thu Aug 30, 2007 1:14 pm 
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Joined: Thu Aug 23, 2007 10:23 am
Posts: 483
Location: North Carolina
Dear Tammy,
My heart goes out to you. You and I have talked about this many times. Even though each of us grieve the loss of our child/children, our circumstances in which we are left to live with can be so different from each other. Angelica is your only child and I can not imagine being in your shoes...maybe one shoe? Calyn & Rylon will never be able to replace Garion or the void in my life without him, but I am so thankful to have them. Tommy is your soul mate and he is who you need to continue to live for and create memories with. Like I have told you before, he is going to need those memories with you to survive once Angelica calls you home. He will be loosing the best friend he has ever had and he will depend on memories to help him put one foot in front of the other just like we now have to do with our Angels.
Hugs,
Lynda

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Some only dream of Angels. I held one in my arms.
Garion, I love you!
Mommy
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PostPosted: Fri Aug 31, 2007 1:36 am 
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Joined: Mon Aug 27, 2007 2:28 am
Posts: 78
Location: Florida, USA
I read everyone's post and can feel each of your longing and missing your sweet child. I have 2 recordings of phone answering machines with Krystal's voice on krystal's website. I can not listen to them. I listened once and the pain was overwhelming. I cannot watch the Memorial Slideshow her sister, Kina, made for her Memorial Service. Today I was unpacking some boxes and found a stuffed cat I had given Krystal when she was a teenager. A little stuffed cat literally made my knees weak and I fell to my knees crying. I miss everything about Krystal - her voice, her physical being, her spirit, her smell, her touch. Oh, if I could just hold her again. But I could never willingly let her go or ever say goodbye to her. Today has been a really rough day. I, like all of us, want my baby back. Nothing takes that pain away. Nothing. I can stay busy, be still, whatever, but nothing, absolutely nothing fills the huge hole in my heart. So I keep on taking baby steps and keep on going.
Love to each of you,

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Jo Ann, Krystal Duss's Mom

http://krystal-long-duss.memory-of.com

http://krystal-long-duss.last-memories.com

Krystal, My Precious Child

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 Post subject: Oh. I miss the sound of Laura's voice.
PostPosted: Fri Aug 31, 2007 2:44 am 
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Joined: Sun Aug 26, 2007 4:24 pm
Posts: 350
Location: Portland,Oregon
Whew! I miss the sound of Laura's voice! She used to call me several a day. I live in Portland, Oregon. She moved to Kansas in 6/06. I had not seen her since, but I talked to her at least once a day. I remember when the phone rang, and if the caller ID didn't pick up the number, I often had to listen a while to be sure whether it was Laura or her sister, Mary, on the line. They sounded so much alike. Now when the phone rings and I hear that voice, I know it has to be Mary. I'd give anything to talk to Laura just one more time. As we all would, I guess.
Cece (Lucy)

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Lucy Carter

http://laura-dawn.last-memories.com

In loving memory of, Laura Dawn 2/26/68-7/19/07, my first born child, my daughter, my friend.
And
In loving memory of, Myron H. (Ozzie) Osborne 8/22/22-3/29/89, My dad, my teacher, my hero.
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Megan, Heather, Andrew,( Laura ), Mary, Jim, Russell


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PostPosted: Fri Aug 31, 2007 12:43 pm 
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Joined: Fri Aug 31, 2007 11:23 am
Posts: 330
Location: Pennsylvania
I am sitting here reading everyones stories. I wish I knew what my boys' voices sounded like. All I heard was one little wimper, much like the sound that a newborn puppy makes. That little wimper is all I will ever have of Jaydon. Jordan never made a sound. He just rested so peacefully until Jesus called him home. The hour and fifteen minutes that I got to hold my babies was the only time I got to spend with them, except for the 5 months that I carried them in my belly, bonding more and more every day. The pain I feel today, just about 6 years later, is just as real as if they passed away just yesterday. I can't imagine having a child in my life for 5, 8, 10, 13 years or longer and then having them be gone. I honestly don't know how I would be able to handle it. My heart goes out to everyone here....may God wrap you in His love and peace, and bring comfort to your hearts. God Bless!

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Tonya ~ Mommy to Nadia Rose, Baby Cooper and precious Angels Jaydon and Jordan

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PostPosted: Fri Aug 31, 2007 1:12 pm 
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Location: North Carolina
Dear Tonya,
Hugs hun! The journey through grief after loosing one of our children is so hard, at times unbearable, no matter how long ago. Each year that passes, I can only imagine brings on a whole new set of pain, as it has been that much longer. I am so sorry you never got to hear your precious Jordan's cries. I know the whimper you were blessed to hear from Jaydon will be carried in your heart forever and ever. There are some of us here that have lost an adult child, a teenager, a young child, a baby, and still birth. We try and share any and all memories we have from the moment we conceived, as that was the moment we became mothers. I hope you find enough comfort in here to share it all with us. I believe the memories started the moment our pregnancies were confirmed. No matter what, we are all here for you and we welcome you and your boys into our hearts.
Hugs,
Lynda

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Some only dream of Angels. I held one in my arms.
Garion, I love you!
Mommy
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PostPosted: Fri Aug 31, 2007 3:29 pm 
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Location: Texas
Tanya,
I'm sorry you never got to hear your sweet baby Jordan and just a whimper from Jaydon. I know how that feels. My babies Wayne and Buck never made a sound either. I had them at about 5 1/2 months and I never even got to see them. :cry: All I have is my memories of being pregnant with them. I do remember the sounds I made when it felt like constrution going on iside of me.:) I will always wonder about everything about them. I just have to believe in my heart that though I never seen them or heard them or held them in my arms...I will know them when I get to Heaven and I'll get my time then.
Love and prayers, Cindy

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B.J. you will always be my best Buddy in the Whole World. B.J., Wayne and Buck...forever loved and missed and never forgotten.
http://bobby-outlawii.last-memories.com
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PostPosted: Fri Aug 31, 2007 3:32 pm 
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Location: Texas
Tonya, I'm sorry I misspelled your name. It's one of those days! :(
Love, Cindy

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B.J. you will always be my best Buddy in the Whole World. B.J., Wayne and Buck...forever loved and missed and never forgotten.
http://bobby-outlawii.last-memories.com
http://bjoutlawii.memory-of.com


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PostPosted: Fri Aug 31, 2007 3:34 pm 
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CHRIS,S WORK SENT ME HIS VOICE MAIL THAT WAS SUCH A LIFE LINE TO ME TO HAVE IT..I LISTEN TO CHRIS,S VOICE ALL THE TIME,ITS LIKE HES SITTING NEXT TO ME

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