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 Post subject: Lost my baby before he was born..wanting a listening ear
PostPosted: Mon Dec 21, 2009 3:39 pm 
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So, i found out sepmter 13th 08 i was pregnant... 2 months pregnant! I was told i could never have choildren, so me and my fiance saw no need for birth control. It was a total suprise.. but totally AWESOME!!! EVerything was fine and dandy the whole time... until March 23rd 09. I went to my GYN for a regular check-up with my midwife for Rhuenn...and they couldnt hear his heart beat. First they thought the placenta had flipped in front of him and was blocking thier machines, so they sent me for a sonogram right then to make sure everything was ok. So i rush across town, and in the process call my mother and tell her. "they couldnt hear his heartbeat, but they think everythings ok."... my doctors were acting like everything was fine so i wasnt really worried. So they take me back in this strange, sterile office, nto even letting Rhuenn's dad come back with me. The nurse put the ultrasound on me and said "dont worry im just taking standard messurements and then the doc will be in to tell you whats going on. IT WAS THEN I KNEW HE WAS GONE. As a mother to mother, this nurse didnt have the balls to look at me in the face and say ur baby is dead inside you. So two mins later they bring chris (rhuenns dad) in and the doc steps in right after. He looks at the screen for half a second and says " Theres no movement in any of the 4 chambers (of the heart). Theres nothing." and as simply and calmly as that..walked out of the room.I jumped up.....with silent tears and screams pouring from me..took two steps..and dropped to the floor. Chris and the nurse picked me up and sat my in the chair beside me.... i looked at the nurse and said " PLEASE! TELL ME YOUR JOKING! PLEASE!" and she looked up from the floor..tears streaming from her face and said, "Oh honey, i wish i was. I wish i was." Five minutes later the doctor walks in calm as day nd is like "well, r ou okay?" WTF do u think dude, u just told me my baby is dead... INSIDE ME!!!! He didnt want ME to UPSET any other patients, so they literally shoved me out the back door of the building and told me to go back to my reg doctor 2 talk more. So on the way i called my mother.. screaming madly HES DEAD HES DEAD HES DEAD! I told her i was heading back to th doctors 2 talk with them. she met me there with my 2 brothers. I walked in the room and she was already there. She, my nurse, and doc all grabbed me and hugged me like i never had before.... and it didnt do anything for my pain. So the doctor then told me my options. I could go now, be induced and have him asap. or i could go home for the night and meet them at the hospital the next day. I chose to go the next day. I wanted to pretend for just a while longer i was dreaming. I prayed all night with chris to feel him move..to no avail. That night i had 2 call all my family and friends, half of my friends were pregnant as well. Everyone was crushed. Everyone wanted to help, just no one knew how and lloking back i know no one could. That night, as i lay in bed crying myself to sleep, chris turned me me... rubbed my belly, and said goodnight rhuenn i love you.. like he did everynight. THAT KILLED ME. It was then i realized i had only cared about my pain.. and not relized that he had his own pain, plus the pain of carrying my pain. So the next day we ent to the hospital. the nurses were all amazing, if it wasnt for them i think i honestly would have killed myself. I screamed at them, cried with them, ever emotion available these kind women shared with me. Chris and my mom were at my side every minute. I got the medication to start labor and it took forever. It wasnt until 10:09 pm on the 25th he finally was born, and wow, what an event. The whole time i was in the hospital.. I just wanted him out of me. Not because he was dead and that was gross, but because i couldnt stand knowing it all and feeling so damn much at once. But the minute that they told me i was ready to push i wanted time to stop. It was then i realized i should have enjoyed the last days i had with him, not spending those days screaming because i wanted it done and over. I guess i just realized i would never feel him in me or in anyway ever again. I wouldnt let amyone see him till I did, minus the doctor of course. Chris cut his cord.. which in thwe end was his demise. His cord and gotten in a knot and it just got pulled to tight too fast, before anyone knew or could do anything. SO about ten mins later they brought him in for me to see and hold, only myself chris ands my mother were in the room, my 2 older sisters had 2 leave, they couldnt stand seeing me in that pain, knowing i hated them at that moment cuz none of thier kids ever died. They had thier happiness still. I held him for about five minutes.. he was so beautiful. so still and silent. I realized then i would never see the color of his eyes, or the sound of his laugh. Chris held him for literally one minute. and afterwards collapsed to the floor n the fetal position and bawled like Rhuenn should have been. My mother held him for about two minutes. Long enough to tell him how much he was and is loved and to sing him the lulaby my gram (who had just passed) used to sing to me and my bros and sises when we were tiny. Then i shoved him in the nurses arms and made her leave. I couldnt bare seeing my baby like that anymore. So the next morning i got to leave the hospital and had to go make arrangement. I had no viewing, no ceremonies. i couldnt bare it. He was cremamted and placed in a beautiful white marble urn purchased by my brother Tim, without which i wouldnt have been able to bring him home.. even oin a box. Thats all i can write, i cant take being without him. and i never will know him until i meet him one day in heavan.. with my daddy Ken and grandma Adams. He is in good hands till i get there.


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 Post subject: Re: Lost my baby before he was born..wanting a listening ear
PostPosted: Mon Dec 21, 2009 8:34 pm 
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Joined: Fri Dec 18, 2009 5:12 pm
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I am so sorry for your loss. My son was 10 yrs. old when he passed away and the pain can be overwhelming. If you are not part of a support group or seeing a counselor I would suggest that you find one both can be a great way to talk out the feelings you are experiencing. My email address is msilinsky@long.k12.ga.us if you would like to email me I will be more than happy to talk to you. My son passed away April 14, 2006 and while I know what it is like to lose a child I can not say I know what you are feeling. I was able to enjoy my son for 10 yrs. and hear his laughter, as well as experience the pain he went through on a daily basis. Please feel free to contact me, while I do not have all the answers I can listen and understand some what of the pain you are experiencing.

Melissa Silinsky


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 Post subject: Re: Lost my baby before he was born..wanting a listening ear
PostPosted: Tue Dec 29, 2009 8:27 pm 
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Joined: Tue Dec 29, 2009 8:23 pm
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Just wanted to send you lots of hugs!

I lost my daughter before she was born - as well! She was born sleeping at 39 weeks.
I was in tears reading your story! The love you have for your son - shines through your words! It is very early days for you! Be gentle with yourself! You will never forget your son - but I promise you will have "less dark" days in the future!


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 Post subject: Re: Lost my baby before he was born..wanting a listening ear
PostPosted: Tue Dec 29, 2009 9:43 pm 
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Joined: Mon Dec 21, 2009 3:11 pm
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thank-you both for your kind words.. and i am very sorry for those you have lost as well. i was 33 weeks 3 days when i found out my angel was really an angel. Holidays are rediculous without him. I can see him nine months old (if he were alive today) to the day on christmas morning boucin up and down in some goofy outfit with a santa hat, bangin on boxes and rippin paper.... cant find any holiday joy without him in my arms.


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 Post subject: Re: Lost my baby before he was born..wanting a listening ear
PostPosted: Wed Dec 30, 2009 11:34 pm 
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Joined: Fri Dec 18, 2009 5:12 pm
Posts: 7
To Rhuenns Mommy

The pain is great and it will be, this is the fourth Christmas since my son passed away and this is the first year that I myself have been able to decorate. The only reason I was able to was for my two other children ages 10 and 6 yrs. and I still had to force myself each and every step of the way, I knew Nicholas (my son that passed) loved Christmas and the holidays with the lights and being with loved ones but it isn't the same with him not here. On Christmas Eve I found myself very quiet and withdrawn then I realized it was because my sweet boy not being with me. I had not cried the whole season but on Christmas Eve I cried and cried so much. With all of this said the loss is there and it always will be but with everything else in life time does help but the loss will never go away and you will always miss your sweet angle. I encourage you to continue to tak about your baby this helps with the healing. I send hugs to you and your family at this difficult time and know that there are people out here that will listen.

God Bless You,
Melissa Silinsky


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 Post subject: Re: Lost my baby before he was born..wanting a listening ear
PostPosted: Thu Feb 04, 2010 7:00 pm 
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Joined: Thu Feb 04, 2010 6:58 pm
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I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I recently lost my precious baby boy he was 11 days shy of 3 months. He had a lot of problems when he was born. But I did enjoy all the smiles and memories I did have with him. I'm here if you just need to someone to talk to.

Courtney


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