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 Post subject: How do you help your other children cope with the loss
PostPosted: Fri Sep 07, 2007 9:31 pm 
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Joined: Fri Aug 31, 2007 2:34 pm
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Of their brother or sister?i am really concerned for chris,s brothers.i want to make sure im helping them.but i hurt so much at times .

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PostPosted: Sat Sep 08, 2007 1:20 am 
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Joined: Tue Aug 28, 2007 12:57 pm
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First of all Carla, I want to give you a hug
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and tell you I care.
Carla, I don't know how to answer your question. I will just tell you some of the things we have tried.
First and most important is to put them in the Lord's hands everyday all day long. He knows everything that is going on inside of them so much better than we do.
I know you let them see you grieve and I think it's good for them to. Life is so full of heartache and I think our children need to know it's ok to cry when we need to.
Give them the chance to talk and talk and talk some more...all they need to. If they don't want to talk just make sure they know that you will be there for them when they are ready.
Counseling, my three youngest went to counseling and it helped them so much but you have to make sure it a good counselor.
If your boys are like most boys they may not want to talk and trying to get them to journal may be next to impossible but they may be able to put how they are feeling down in drawings or painting or such.
They need to know it's ok to be angry. Angry at the Lord, angry at life, even angry at Chris for leaving them. No he didn't have a choice but then they don't either.
Do they have someone close that is not family that they could talk to and feel safe doing it. You know we have each other...sometimes our children need someone too. You know, someone to just be their friend and be there for them if they ever do want to open up.
Well, I think I'm beginning to ramble on now and I don't mean to so I'm going to stop. I love you Carla and I will keep praying. I know it can be so hard to watch our other children suffering an feel like we can't do anything for them.
Love and prayers, Cindy

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PostPosted: Sat Sep 08, 2007 1:27 am 
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Dear Carla,
I have soooooooooo much I would love to share with you on my own 2 other children's experiences. But my eyes can not stay open a moment longer and I want to be sure I am posting clearly. Please forgive me but I will be back on tomorrow to talk with you more about this. Sending you and your family many (((HUGS)))
Hugs,
Lynda

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PostPosted: Sat Sep 08, 2007 9:46 pm 
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Location: small town, Iowa
Carla,

First of all, I hope YOU are doing okay - as best as you are able, anyways. And - I guess it's been said to me a lot that I need to take care of myself to be able to take care of my other family members. My husband and I are alone at home now. Jake is my "baby."

It was a long time before my older kids would open up at all because they were holding back to protect me, I think. So, slowly, they started talking. It's something that can't be planned or forced. I let them know I was glad to hear what they were thinking and feeling so they would know it was okay. My son that is closest in age to Jake is in college and I have been the most worried about him. Each day I ask Jake up in heaven, and the Lord, to watch over my other three kids. I ask Jake to pray for them up there in heaven. I tell him he is right there, next to the Lord's ear and now knows how to speak to the Lord better than I.

My son, Luke, that's in college does write a lot. He has written poetry and short stories and reflections that have helped him process his grief. He has written a lot of dark, angry things. I think that's good because it's getting it out of him. He has spent a year and a half angry at God, even trying to tell me he didn't believe in God. That didn't hold up when I asked him where he thought his brother Jake was, then! Even though I have assured him it's okay to be angry, and angry at God, I wanted to gently encourage him to stay in touch with his faith. He knows Jake is in heaven - and with us. Luke has finally started turning back towards God and uses his music that he listens to and plays to help him think and express his emotions, also. He has done a little drawing, also, as another outlet. Ultimately, I have continued to worry, though. He has finally said he would be willing to talk to a counselor. It has to be a good fit, and I wish I could find a young adult support group.

Just keep letting your boys know this is a very long, and always changing process that can't be rushed. I have told Luke we have to sometimes "lean into" our grief, instead of trying to dodge it or out run it. He was a wrestler, so I tell him his grief has to be "wrestled with."

Peace,
Laurie

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PostPosted: Sat Sep 08, 2007 11:16 pm 
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Location: North Carolina
Dear Carla,
Garion is the BIG brother to Calyn and Rylon. Calyn was 6 yrs. old and Rylon was 4 yrs. old at the time of the accident. We were on vacation and unfortunately my daughter saw way too much. Rylon will tell us he was in the bathroom at the time of the accident, but then again he has told us what he saw of Garion laying there, so we are not too sure. 2 years later, Calyn and Rylon miss thier brother and talk about him and the accident as if it was yesterday. I never know when they are going to say something about their brother or the accident. But when they do, I am all ears! Unlike most children their age, they are very aware that death is real and can even happen to them. Both of my children have gone through individual counseling and family counseling with each other and me and my husband, every other Saturday. Through counseling we learned a lot about each other and what the other was feeling. We also learned of each other cues on when we/they are having a "moment" as we call it. We have since stopped going to counseling because our counselor relocated and we didn't have it in us to start up with another counselor at the time. I will start them or all of us up again if at anytime I feel we need to. I am not against counseling. Of course, it depends on the counselor. My husband and I use to go to a psychiatrist, now I only go.
Calyn writes a lot of songs about her grief, her missing Garion, or her songs will be letters to God asking him questions or letters to Garion. She will also draw pictures of Garion all of the time. Whenever she makes a card for someone she ALWAYS signs Garion's name to it. It makes her feel like she is doing Garion a favor by adding his name, and it is also her way of making sure no one forgets her brother. I encourage her to do whatever is on her heart to do. The only time I feel like her feelings about her brother were disrespected was at school last year. She use to sit under a tree on this HUGE root when outside. She would tell me that when she sat there she would think, see, and talk to Garion. This was at the same school and the same playground she would play with Garion when their classes were outside at the same time. Returning to the school was very bittersweet for her because she missed seeing Garion there. It was so hard for her to see and watch all of his friends play and not him. This is only part of the reason we homeschool now. Her teacher found out what she was doing when sitting under this tree. During a parent/teacher conference her teacher told her in front of me that she didn't want to see her sitting there thinking about Garion anymore because she didn't need to be sad at school, she wanted her up and playing. Needless to say I had a long talk with Calyn when we got home. I don't think Calyn has ever sat and talked to Garion under that tree again, and this makes me MAD MAD MAD that the teacher took this innocence and special time from her. What this teacher thought was sad for Calyn was of comfort to her. I cry my eyes out just thinking about it. If this teacher only knew how sad Calyn was just to be in that school without her brother, to come home without her brother, to have lunch without her brother (they always had lunch together in the lunch room). Calyn has since met another girl her age who lost her brother the same way as she did. This little girl lives in another state but she sent Calyn a stuffed bear. Calyn sleeps with this bear everynight, it is so special to her knowing it came from a girl who misses her brother too.
My youngest son Rylon...he and Garion shared a bedroom. Rylon is very particular of Garion's things. We have left Garion's things in his room and his bed (the top bunk) is left with the sheets he last slept on. I added an extra comforter on top of everything to keep the originals from collecting dust. I clean just the top comforter that I added every so often to make it look fresh. But the sheets and the comforter under it are left as he left them. Rylon's wants it this way and I will keep it this way for him for however long we need to as a family. The other day Rylon came out and told me that he cleaned the top of Garion's dresser for him. I knew his dresser wasn't messy, and if there was anyting on it it obviously didn't come from Garion. I told Rylon that Garion thanks him so much for helping to clean his things and taking such good care of his things for him. When Rylon has his friends over, he won't let them play in his room. Instead, they will go get what they want to play with and bring it into the game room. Rylon's friends know what Rylon will and will not allow them to touch. I allow Rylon to be this way because this is his way of dealing with his grief and missing his brother. Garion was very protective of his sissy and brother, and now they are protective of him and his things. And I allow it. Rylon loves to play Garion's video games and he will often make comments like "Garion was the best at this game" or "Garion beat this part". I guess playing his games and talking about him while he does makes him feel close to Garion.
Rylon and Calyn both will go and spend time with Garion's best friends. There have been a few times Rylon has spent the night with them. I think this helps them all to feel closer to Garion, his friends too. Calyn and Rylon miss their brother so much, but they have gained many brothers through their brother and I am so thankful for them and their families for allowing my children to continue to be a part of their lives.

I am sorry this is so long...It did me some good to write this all out and I thank you Carla for giving me this opportunity. It is so hard on us to not only grieve for our children but to also see our other children hurt so much. As mothers we wish we could carry all of their pain for them. I guess the greatest thing I learned over the last 2 years is to allow my other children to do what they need to, even if it doesn't make sense to me. Because I am sure half of what I do to just get through a day doesn't make much sense to many people too. I encourage them and allow them to do whatever it is they need to do as long as it is healthy for them and not hurting them. Otherwise I would seek professional help again.

Know that I will keep your other children in my prayers. This is such a difficult journey for all of our family no matter how old our other children are. It would be neat if there were other siblings on here about the same age as your children that could possible email and talk with each other like Calyn has done with her one friend she has never met but has grown to love her and her angel brother.

Hugs,
Lynda

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Garion, I love you!
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 10, 2007 3:51 pm 
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Joined: Mon Aug 27, 2007 2:28 am
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Location: Florida, USA
I read all the posts on this subject and my heart is full of love for each you. You are helping your children even though you are in such grief. Amazing. I love you all. My others daughters were grown and on their own when Krystal died, and I wish I had been more there for them. I was in so much pain, that i wasn't even there for me. They were in such pain they weren't there for themselves or me. We were each isolated in grief. It took about 2 years before any of us could look around and see that we were all so broken. i guess I could write a book on what not to do. I feel guilty that I wasn't much support to my girls, and we have now all talked about it and they feel bad that they weren't there for me or each other. But now we are communicating and for that i am thankful We never stopped loving each other, we were all so broken we could not reach out for each other. I wish I could say I did better in this area but I can't.
Love,

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PostPosted: Mon Sep 10, 2007 5:22 pm 
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Joined: Sat Aug 25, 2007 12:46 pm
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Location: Washington State, USA
I have to agree with Jo Ann, I admire the strength and courage of you young mothers in going on and being so "there" for your other children.

I was such a mess that I struggled with my own grief so much, my other two children I think were pretty worried about me. At first I didn't even think of that, I'm ashamed to say it didn't cross my mind. They were pretty good to me checking in all the time and staying pretty close. I finally gathered myself together enough to realize that their grief was also so strong and they were actually dealing with theirs and mine.

Mine hasn't lessened any, but I have realized that they had families to tend to and needed to be there for their children and each other.

Nothing is easy about this journey, and we're all new travelers and don't know the way.... so we're simply stumbling along, trying to survive as best we can.

Love, hugs, prayers,
jane

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To lose a child teaches one what the word bereavement really means. There is no loss equal to the loss of a child.

“We are each of us angels with only one wing. And we can only fly embracing each other."
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