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Dear Carla,
Garion is the BIG brother to Calyn and Rylon. Calyn was 6 yrs. old and Rylon was 4 yrs. old at the time of the accident. We were on vacation and unfortunately my daughter saw way too much. Rylon will tell us he was in the bathroom at the time of the accident, but then again he has told us what he saw of Garion laying there, so we are not too sure. 2 years later, Calyn and Rylon miss thier brother and talk about him and the accident as if it was yesterday. I never know when they are going to say something about their brother or the accident. But when they do, I am all ears! Unlike most children their age, they are very aware that death is real and can even happen to them. Both of my children have gone through individual counseling and family counseling with each other and me and my husband, every other Saturday. Through counseling we learned a lot about each other and what the other was feeling. We also learned of each other cues on when we/they are having a "moment" as we call it. We have since stopped going to counseling because our counselor relocated and we didn't have it in us to start up with another counselor at the time. I will start them or all of us up again if at anytime I feel we need to. I am not against counseling. Of course, it depends on the counselor. My husband and I use to go to a psychiatrist, now I only go.
Calyn writes a lot of songs about her grief, her missing Garion, or her songs will be letters to God asking him questions or letters to Garion. She will also draw pictures of Garion all of the time. Whenever she makes a card for someone she ALWAYS signs Garion's name to it. It makes her feel like she is doing Garion a favor by adding his name, and it is also her way of making sure no one forgets her brother. I encourage her to do whatever is on her heart to do. The only time I feel like her feelings about her brother were disrespected was at school last year. She use to sit under a tree on this HUGE root when outside. She would tell me that when she sat there she would think, see, and talk to Garion. This was at the same school and the same playground she would play with Garion when their classes were outside at the same time. Returning to the school was very bittersweet for her because she missed seeing Garion there. It was so hard for her to see and watch all of his friends play and not him. This is only part of the reason we homeschool now. Her teacher found out what she was doing when sitting under this tree. During a parent/teacher conference her teacher told her in front of me that she didn't want to see her sitting there thinking about Garion anymore because she didn't need to be sad at school, she wanted her up and playing. Needless to say I had a long talk with Calyn when we got home. I don't think Calyn has ever sat and talked to Garion under that tree again, and this makes me MAD MAD MAD that the teacher took this innocence and special time from her. What this teacher thought was sad for Calyn was of comfort to her. I cry my eyes out just thinking about it. If this teacher only knew how sad Calyn was just to be in that school without her brother, to come home without her brother, to have lunch without her brother (they always had lunch together in the lunch room). Calyn has since met another girl her age who lost her brother the same way as she did. This little girl lives in another state but she sent Calyn a stuffed bear. Calyn sleeps with this bear everynight, it is so special to her knowing it came from a girl who misses her brother too.
My youngest son Rylon...he and Garion shared a bedroom. Rylon is very particular of Garion's things. We have left Garion's things in his room and his bed (the top bunk) is left with the sheets he last slept on. I added an extra comforter on top of everything to keep the originals from collecting dust. I clean just the top comforter that I added every so often to make it look fresh. But the sheets and the comforter under it are left as he left them. Rylon's wants it this way and I will keep it this way for him for however long we need to as a family. The other day Rylon came out and told me that he cleaned the top of Garion's dresser for him. I knew his dresser wasn't messy, and if there was anyting on it it obviously didn't come from Garion. I told Rylon that Garion thanks him so much for helping to clean his things and taking such good care of his things for him. When Rylon has his friends over, he won't let them play in his room. Instead, they will go get what they want to play with and bring it into the game room. Rylon's friends know what Rylon will and will not allow them to touch. I allow Rylon to be this way because this is his way of dealing with his grief and missing his brother. Garion was very protective of his sissy and brother, and now they are protective of him and his things. And I allow it. Rylon loves to play Garion's video games and he will often make comments like "Garion was the best at this game" or "Garion beat this part". I guess playing his games and talking about him while he does makes him feel close to Garion.
Rylon and Calyn both will go and spend time with Garion's best friends. There have been a few times Rylon has spent the night with them. I think this helps them all to feel closer to Garion, his friends too. Calyn and Rylon miss their brother so much, but they have gained many brothers through their brother and I am so thankful for them and their families for allowing my children to continue to be a part of their lives.
I am sorry this is so long...It did me some good to write this all out and I thank you Carla for giving me this opportunity. It is so hard on us to not only grieve for our children but to also see our other children hurt so much. As mothers we wish we could carry all of their pain for them. I guess the greatest thing I learned over the last 2 years is to allow my other children to do what they need to, even if it doesn't make sense to me. Because I am sure half of what I do to just get through a day doesn't make much sense to many people too. I encourage them and allow them to do whatever it is they need to do as long as it is healthy for them and not hurting them. Otherwise I would seek professional help again.
Know that I will keep your other children in my prayers. This is such a difficult journey for all of our family no matter how old our other children are. It would be neat if there were other siblings on here about the same age as your children that could possible email and talk with each other like Calyn has done with her one friend she has never met but has grown to love her and her angel brother.
Hugs,
Lynda
_________________ Some only dream of Angels. I held one in my arms.
Garion, I love you!
Mommy
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I MISS YOU CHRIS
