Dear Jo Ann,
I just read your post and I cannot wait until later to respond..........
I Know.........we all know..... what you're feeling. We've been there and know the agony you're feeling right now. It's beyond pain.......... it's absolute agony. I wish to God there was some relief we could send you, some help, anything would lessen this terrible burden for you. I'm so sorry, those words are so impotent.........so empty and useless but what can we say? Those words, "I'm so sorry" coming from another grieving mother are straight from the heart........ we truly do know the place you are in right now. Some of us are stuck there for long periods of time. I still cannot allow my mind to dwell on my sweet son, his passing or his suffering, because I feel like I go crazy with grief.
Do you have medication? Have you seen your physician? I had to. During the three weeks that my son was dying, I think I had a breakdown, but I maintained my calm love & support for him 24 hours a day for three weeks. When he would sleep, I would go outside, or into the bathroom, or the lounge or the chapel and I would pray and weep until I was spent, absolutely spent of grief and energy. When he woke up, I was there, with a smile on my face.......for him. I didn't want him to see my grief and to feel so much sorrow for me. IT WAS HELL......... but for others we can do things we cannot do for ourselves.
My doctor put me on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications......it's the only way I survived..... and I'm still taking them today. I cannot function without them. Because my son left behind a grief stricken widow and three children, I've had to deal somewhat privately with my grief so I can help them. I try very hard to share their grief, but not to burden them with the depth of mine. I let them cry when they need to and I cry with them and I hold them, but I do not go crazy with grief, the way I have when I've been alone. They don't need that to remember.
The medications help me a lot........not enough to numb the pain, but enough that I can still get up and get dressed and try to make it through the day. I think that's all I expect from myself anymore.
You're right, you have been changed totally. The way you see life, the anxiety you feel now for every one of your loved ones.... it's all normal. We all share that. It makes life even more difficult...........but it's a common side effect of grief.
Lack of energy, interest in life, our appearance, our housework.......... so many of us have lost so much of our drive to keep up those things that we did without thinking before. Now, they just don't seem worth while. But, they're all very normal reactions to horrendous grief.
I pray for you Jo Ann, I'm also weeping for you now as I post this message. I recognize the desperation in your words because I've said them. I would have taken my own life if I hadn't had so many loved ones who'd already been through so much. I couldn't do that to them and leave them with another heartache.
There is no real answer, maybe time........ I don't think time lessens the pain, but I do believe it allows us to adjust to the pain. It will always been a part of us and it will go where we go and be a part of whoever we become..........but I think time teaches us how to live with it. Anyway, that's my prayer.
God Bless you.Know that we're with you in spirit. We're with you in love and understanding. We recognize every word you say and wish we could help you more.
Love, hugs, prayers, jane
_________________ Scott Matthew HIll - 2 years old
To lose a child teaches one what the word bereavement really means. There is no loss equal to the loss of a child.
“We are each of us angels with only one wing. And we can only fly embracing each other."
~Luciano De Crescenzo
www.scottmatthew-hill.last-memories.com
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