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 Post subject: Just needing to be heard...
PostPosted: Mon Sep 10, 2007 10:24 am 
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Joined: Tue Aug 28, 2007 12:57 pm
Posts: 578
Location: Texas
My oldest daughter Amanda moved this weekend, only about 45 minutes away but now I don't get to see her or my only grandbaby Elijah as often. Elijah has been such a light in my dark world for the past year.
My middle daughter Kayla got her a house this weekend and is going to be moving out of ours this week. It's just down the road from us but still she's moving out.
Johnathan is crying a lot lately missing B.J. and telling me how sad he is that he can't talk to any of his brothers (in person). And he's missing me when he's at school.
Sarah is missing B.J. a lot and crying over Sinjin's health. They have become close.
I went to my pastor's youngest daughters wedding shower this weekend and it just reminded me of what I will never get to share with B.J. Her wedding is this month and I'm dreading it.
Sarah's birthday is this month and once again B.J. isn't going to be here for it.
We went to see Sinjin yesterday and my heart just breaks for him and his family. Seeing him brought back so many memories of B.J.'s last day.
I miss B.J. till I can't hardly stand it! He was my Buddy, I just can't get use to him not being here. I love him and miss him so much.
All of this is out of my control and I hate it!
I feel like a failure because I can't seem to keep a grip on life and everything that comes at me.
I'm so tired and so sad.
Thank you for listening, Cindy

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B.J. you will always be my best Buddy in the Whole World. B.J., Wayne and Buck...forever loved and missed and never forgotten.
http://bobby-outlawii.last-memories.com
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 10, 2007 12:26 pm 
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Joined: Sat Aug 25, 2007 12:46 pm
Posts: 254
Location: Washington State, USA
Cindy,

I know so well how you feel, the world just keeps on changing until we hardly can recognize our own lives.......... so many changes.

I had some of that yesterday, I went to see my niece Martha in the nursing home... and I know she's going to pass soon. It's another loved one, a much loved one, that won't be in my world. I cried all the way home.

Even having the kids go back to school was a big change. During the summer I got so use to having my grand kids anytime, and most of the time, and now.....they've gone back to school and guitar lessons, drum lessons, piano and dance lessons........ blue bird meetings......... not to mention home work and all the school activities and friends again.
While I'm happy that they're busy and involved, they live 40 miles away and I miss them so much.

Life just goes on........... I miss my son so much. He's never met the this new baby. He's never seen his daughter in a dance recital........ He can't be here to hold me while I grieve for Martha so much. She's leaving two beautiful little grandsons behind and a husband who can't face life without her.

I do understand what you're saying Cindy. I always just took the day to day changes in stride, but somehow I can't anymore. They hurt. Life feels like it's leaving me behind and now fall is here, my favorite time of the year. My favorite month has always been October, but now with Scott passing on October 20, I can't even look forward to that.

I know we have to make an effort to smile, to be glad that everyone is going on with life, but when we're not ready yet......... it feels sad and somehow like we're being left behind.

I love you Cindy, I hope you'll find a few moments of peace today. When I think about my kids and grand kids going on with their lives, I take a little measure of happiness but I have to talk myself into realizing that this is life. This is what's always happened and as long as the world turns, it will continue to happen. That can be reassuring when we look at the little ones. This pain they're feeling will pass, as nature will heal over their wounds.

But for us Cindy, I think we'll find a way, eventually, to accept and live with what's happened. I thank God that I won't have so very many years to work on that.... I'm already 65 and my days have to be getting shorter....no matter how long I live.

Love,hugs,prayers,
Jane

_________________
Scott Matthew HIll - 2 years old
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To lose a child teaches one what the word bereavement really means. There is no loss equal to the loss of a child.

“We are each of us angels with only one wing. And we can only fly embracing each other."
~Luciano De Crescenzo

www.scottmatthew-hill.last-memories.com


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PostPosted: Mon Sep 10, 2007 3:10 pm 
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Joined: Fri Aug 31, 2007 11:23 am
Posts: 330
Location: Pennsylvania
Cindy,
You are not a failure...in any way, shape or form. We are all truly blessed to have you in our lives. Losing a child is not easy, not at all. But thanks to God, we all have each other to help us through this. I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers; I am also sending you many, many (((hugs))). We all love you.

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Tonya ~ Mommy to Nadia Rose, Baby Cooper and precious Angels Jaydon and Jordan

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PostPosted: Mon Sep 10, 2007 3:34 pm 
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Joined: Mon Aug 27, 2007 2:28 am
Posts: 78
Location: Florida, USA
I know what you all mean about change. I thought I knew about change until Krystal died. Now to try to live in this world that is so totally changed for me by her ABSENCE is almost more than I can bear. The only reason I say almost, so because somehow I am still breathing. I am hurting so badly today. I hurt everyday, but today is so painful. My chest so so tight and I feel panic attacks coming on. We have a happy family event about to happen, and I am thankful, but Krystal will not be here and her absence colors even happy family events. Even when we are together as a family, that horrible hole is still there. No Krystal. Unthinkable, but our new reality. Today is also my Mom's 10th death anniversary date, so with these 2 events I am just hurting so much that I do not know how to stand another second.

Change. I changed the moment Krystal died, and here I am a 56 year old woman who use to be competent and now I do not even know WHO I am or who I am becoming anymore. I see pictures of my before Krystal died, and I do not even feel or look like that person anymore. I really liked the before Krystal died Jo Ann. I am lost, so lost and do not know who I am anymore. I keep on taking baby steps, but somedays I wonder if this is worth the effort. I can not stand this pain. Yet I can't escape it. I lean into it.

Oh my sweet forum sisters I am so broken, and I feel like I can not survive I a second more of this emotional and physical pain. Before Krystal died I wanted to live a long life. But in that life I pictured my children and grandchildren alive and well. Now I do not see living a long life as a good thing for me because the longer I live the more people I love will die. I had "accepted" that fact of life, did not like it but "accepted" it, before Krystal died and having loved ones die did not in my before Krystal died reality include having my child or grandchild die. Now I KNOW my child can die and did die, and I am not wanting to ever have another child or grandchild die. I know some of our forum members have lost more than one child, and I am so sorry for them. I guess I am in existential angst, and Krystal's death has totally shattered my view of everything and anything.

I hurt so much, I do not know how to continue, but somehow I will.
With love,

_________________
Jo Ann, Krystal Duss's Mom

http://krystal-long-duss.memory-of.com

http://krystal-long-duss.last-memories.com

Krystal, My Precious Child

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Sep 10, 2007 4:48 pm 
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Joined: Sat Aug 25, 2007 12:46 pm
Posts: 254
Location: Washington State, USA
Dear Jo Ann,

I just read your post and I cannot wait until later to respond..........

I Know.........we all know..... what you're feeling. We've been there and know the agony you're feeling right now. It's beyond pain.......... it's absolute agony. I wish to God there was some relief we could send you, some help, anything would lessen this terrible burden for you. I'm so sorry, those words are so impotent.........so empty and useless but what can we say? Those words, "I'm so sorry" coming from another grieving mother are straight from the heart........ we truly do know the place you are in right now. Some of us are stuck there for long periods of time. I still cannot allow my mind to dwell on my sweet son, his passing or his suffering, because I feel like I go crazy with grief.

Do you have medication? Have you seen your physician? I had to. During the three weeks that my son was dying, I think I had a breakdown, but I maintained my calm love & support for him 24 hours a day for three weeks. When he would sleep, I would go outside, or into the bathroom, or the lounge or the chapel and I would pray and weep until I was spent, absolutely spent of grief and energy. When he woke up, I was there, with a smile on my face.......for him. I didn't want him to see my grief and to feel so much sorrow for me. IT WAS HELL......... but for others we can do things we cannot do for ourselves.

My doctor put me on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications......it's the only way I survived..... and I'm still taking them today. I cannot function without them. Because my son left behind a grief stricken widow and three children, I've had to deal somewhat privately with my grief so I can help them. I try very hard to share their grief, but not to burden them with the depth of mine. I let them cry when they need to and I cry with them and I hold them, but I do not go crazy with grief, the way I have when I've been alone. They don't need that to remember.

The medications help me a lot........not enough to numb the pain, but enough that I can still get up and get dressed and try to make it through the day. I think that's all I expect from myself anymore.

You're right, you have been changed totally. The way you see life, the anxiety you feel now for every one of your loved ones.... it's all normal. We all share that. It makes life even more difficult...........but it's a common side effect of grief.

Lack of energy, interest in life, our appearance, our housework.......... so many of us have lost so much of our drive to keep up those things that we did without thinking before. Now, they just don't seem worth while. But, they're all very normal reactions to horrendous grief.

I pray for you Jo Ann, I'm also weeping for you now as I post this message. I recognize the desperation in your words because I've said them. I would have taken my own life if I hadn't had so many loved ones who'd already been through so much. I couldn't do that to them and leave them with another heartache.

There is no real answer, maybe time........ I don't think time lessens the pain, but I do believe it allows us to adjust to the pain. It will always been a part of us and it will go where we go and be a part of whoever we become..........but I think time teaches us how to live with it. Anyway, that's my prayer.

God Bless you.Know that we're with you in spirit. We're with you in love and understanding. We recognize every word you say and wish we could help you more.

Love, hugs, prayers,
jane

_________________
Scott Matthew HIll - 2 years old
Image
To lose a child teaches one what the word bereavement really means. There is no loss equal to the loss of a child.

“We are each of us angels with only one wing. And we can only fly embracing each other."
~Luciano De Crescenzo

www.scottmatthew-hill.last-memories.com


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Sep 10, 2007 5:59 pm 
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Joined: Tue Aug 28, 2007 12:57 pm
Posts: 578
Location: Texas
Jo Ann, I have so much I would like to say to you but I just can't right now. I did want to come here though and let you know I'm sorry, and I'm praying for you. Hang in there, together and with the Lord's help we can make it. {{{Hugs}}}
Love, Cindy

_________________
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B.J. you will always be my best Buddy in the Whole World. B.J., Wayne and Buck...forever loved and missed and never forgotten.
http://bobby-outlawii.last-memories.com
http://bjoutlawii.memory-of.com


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 Post subject: We're here.
PostPosted: Mon Sep 10, 2007 6:43 pm 
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Joined: Sun Aug 26, 2007 4:24 pm
Posts: 350
Location: Portland,Oregon
Jo Ann, Jane said it better than I ever could. Please know that I recognize myself in what you and Jane wrote. I know I am early in this process, so I don't expect much from myself. At least not yet. Laura is gone. I can't change that. Every day I try to live the way she would want me to. It is not the easiest thing to do, and certainly not the only thing that helps. But, it keeps me from wanting to join her. I know I am not afraid to die anymore. I just need to stick around for her children and her siblings. So, until God calls me home, I will continue this process of learning to live in a world without her in it. Yes, my chest hurts sometimes from the physical pain of my grief. And I cry, oh yes, I cry. But, her 20 yr old son lives with me so I am careful not to upset him. She would want me to be strong so I can help him through this too. I cry with him, but try not to let him find me crying. I thank God everyday for guiding me to this forum and you wonderful friends.
Love, Lucy

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Lucy Carter

http://laura-dawn.last-memories.com

In loving memory of, Laura Dawn 2/26/68-7/19/07, my first born child, my daughter, my friend.
And
In loving memory of, Myron H. (Ozzie) Osborne 8/22/22-3/29/89, My dad, my teacher, my hero.
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Megan, Heather, Andrew,( Laura ), Mary, Jim, Russell


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Sep 10, 2007 10:20 pm 
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Joined: Thu Aug 23, 2007 10:23 am
Posts: 483
Location: North Carolina
Dearest Cindy,
When it rains, it pours! I am so sorry hun that life has been throwing so many huge changes at you at once. None of these changes are easy, but add in the fact that you are a grieving mom and they are all happening at once, it can throw even the normal happy-go-lucky person for a loop. Know that you are NOT a failure. You are here, you are talking about it (very important in my opinion), and you are ready to face tomorrow...you are NOT a failure! Jonathan misses you because he has the best Mama and he loves you, you wouldn't want that any other way. Your daughters have reached out to us on the forum and have lit candles for our children. Some of our own family don't even do that! Sarah is reaching her heart out to Sinjin, something most people do not take the time to do for someone who is so ill. I gotta say Cindy, you are the opposite of a failure! We need more mothers like you in this world. The love your children have for so many is an amazing reflection of who raised them, YOU! BJ, Wayne, and Buck are so proud of you and so am I.
(((Wrapping my dear friend up in prayers and hugs)))
Hugs,
Lynda

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Some only dream of Angels. I held one in my arms.
Garion, I love you!
Mommy
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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Sep 10, 2007 11:44 pm 
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Joined: Tue Sep 04, 2007 10:13 pm
Posts: 13
Location: small town, Iowa
Cindy,

YOU are the lady that just said to me such wise things the other day when I was the one feeling like such a failure! I think we all are a success when we can just get up in the morning and put one foot in front of the other. All the extra good things we do, such as taking care of our families, going to work, being wives, mothers, grandmothers, coworkers, all that is just EXTRA good we manage. When we are taking care of one another here, or anywhere else we encounter a hurting heart, we truly are rising above, and not being defeated by, the struggles in this world.

Seems we all are having a difficult, sad, empty, confusing time right now. We can't fix that for each other, but we sure can be here for each other.

Peace be with us all,
Laurie

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Jake's mom
The price of love is grief.
http://jake-dreier.memory-of.com
Thanks for visiting his site. It means so much to us!


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PostPosted: Tue Sep 11, 2007 12:48 am 
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Joined: Tue Aug 28, 2007 12:57 pm
Posts: 578
Location: Texas
I just want to say thank you to all of you special ladies. You're all so kind, where would I be without you? I'm sorry, I guess I was having a little bit of a pity party today. I think I'm just tired and like everyone else...I don't do change very well. There is always hope for a better day tomorrow.
Please know I really do love and appreciate everyone of you.
Love, Cindy

_________________
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B.J. you will always be my best Buddy in the Whole World. B.J., Wayne and Buck...forever loved and missed and never forgotten.
http://bobby-outlawii.last-memories.com
http://bjoutlawii.memory-of.com


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