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|Can't understand death of my daughter
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|Author:||Jenna mom [ Sun Feb 13, 2011 1:08 am ]|
|Post subject:||Can't understand death of my daughter|
I lost my daughter, Jenna, 29 months ago today. She was 20 years old. It took me eight months to find out that her cause of death was "acute cardiac arythmia". I can not understand how a healthy 20 year olds heart just stops. Let me start off saying that Jenna was my life. She was my only child and my best friend. We spoke to each other several times throughout our daily life. On September 11, 2008 we were planning a baby shower for one of her friends and on September 12, 2008, I get a call from her boyfriend that he had taken her to the ER and the doctor says "it doesn't look good...." I got to the hospital and was shuffled around. Finally the doctor came in to this small waiting area. He started asking all kinds of questions and I finally stopped him and said "can't this wait...I want to go be with my daughter" He just kept on...I stood up and at that point he said "you can't, your daughter is dead" I won't go in to details but he was reprimanded I found out later for his bedside manners. Then the medical examiner showed up. They told me if I wanted to see my daughter, I better hurry because they were getting ready to take her.....but, I couldn't touch her or get near her. I didn't know what they were talking about but later discovered that they were looking for evidence since she had actually passed away at her apartment and brought to the hospital by her boyfriend. It was just a horrible experience....I mean it was bad enough that I lost my only child but to have to go through everything that I went through on that day.
I will share that Jenna & I always had a "sign" for when we saw rainbows. We would always either call, text and take pictures of them. We always said that was our sign and we would always think of each other when we saw one. The day after Jenna passed away.....there was a full rainbow right outside my house. I told people about our story and our sign of the rainbow....since then I receive rainbows from all over. I think of it as a blessing that when people see a rainbow...they think of me and Jenna and our story.
I am writing because I am in desperate need at trying to figure out how to actually move forward in the grief process. I have tried grief counselors and support groups but nothing is helping. I am very depressed...not to the point where I am missing work but to the point that I am putting distance between me, my husband and my family. None of them understand what I am going through. When I tell them how I've been robbed of my and Jenna's life...they don't understand. I should "be thankful for the 20 years" or "God wanted her"....yes, I am thankful for 20 years but what about everything that we were supposed have...college graduation, her wedding, her children, her future....I have friends that talk about their children and it hurts because I don't have any of that. And the part that "God wanter her..." excuse me...I wanted her more...I know I'm just being selfous but what else do I have now? I watched the movie "Rabbit Hole" with Nicole Kidman. All the way through the movie, I kept thinking to myself...she was portraying my life...I have done thing like crying out of the blue going down the road to standing and watching water boil for no reason. Just numb....
How do people handle their relationships with their spouses after a death of a child? He was her step-dad but was more her dad than her actual one. He has grieved and moved forward but doesn't get why I can't. He feels now that I am pushing him away because I don't talk to him.
A friend of Jenna's suggested that I search a forum today so this is all new to me but hoping that someone out here can help me find a way to be back to being happy instead of just saying "I'm ok...." I mean actually saying I'm ok and really meaning it...
Thank you for listening to me...
|Author:||Mary's Daughter [ Mon Feb 14, 2011 1:54 am ]|
|Post subject:||Re: Can't understand death of my daughter|
I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't understand the death of my grandpa or mom either. They both had health insurance & yearly physicals yet they both died of cancer.
I'm not going to tell you any BS. My grandpa died in 79 & his family never did recover.
The only thing getting me out of bed every day is working like there's no tomorrow. I build sites. I create graphics. I edit images. I built a tree with thousands of people in it. I'm a volunteer grave locator. I have a blog...which I highly recommend. And occasionally I talk in forums like this one. I stay constantly busy.
I hope this helps. Do take care of yourself.
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