Grief and Bereavement forum groups

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Author:  Stephen M [ Mon May 16, 2011 8:07 pm ]
Post subject:  New member

My name is Stephen and I am 43 years old . 3 months ago my daughter Katie was killed in a car accident . She was a month shy of her 17th birthday . 3 years ago I lost both of my parents within 2 1/2 months of each other . I had just really started to get back towards normalcy in my life and then Katie was killed . Her full name was Katherine Kristin Murray . Google her if you would like to see her , she was an amazing young woman .

After the loss of my parents I went into a deep depression and drank heavily for about 6 months until my wife insisted I seek professional help . I did and was put on anti depressants and things started to improve .

With the death of Katie it is different . It makes the deaths of my parents seem like childs play . I cannot beleive how much more depressed and devastated I am and it seems to be getting worse as time goes by . Most mornings begin with serious crying . I then take xanax in order to go to work .
Eveninigs aren't as bad as I go to bed early so I don't have to think about our loss . There have been 4 to 5 day periods where I have been totally incapacitated . Unable to work or leave the house .
I told my wife I can deal with being sad all the time but just not at that level of incapacitation .

My wife has taken over the duty of dropping our younger daughter Ellie at the bus stop . Katie used to do this once she started driving before that I did it .Ellie is 12 and seems to be handling this better than my wife or I . We have been to counseling mainly to make sure we were dealing with Ellie correctly . My wife and I are closer than ever as I warned her that she will question every part of her life as this tragedy takes it's toll on our lives . I know that from when my parents died . I considered leaving my family and just running away . Thank god common sense won out an I did not make such a foolish move .

I am not drinking at all to get through this as I realize now how sick that was looking back. I'm sorry for the long 1st post . I just think I need a place to vent and hear from others on how they deal with the death of a child . The pain is so intense I'm not sure I can take it some days . I am also shocked at how the grief is becoming worse as time goes foward . Any advice would be welcome . I know my family will never be the same BUT will we ever be able to really be happy again ? Thanks for reading this .

Author:  Cece [ Fri May 20, 2011 2:07 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: New member

Oh Stephen the losses just keep coming don't they? You are the same age as Laura would be now. I lost my dad many years ago. My mother died 19 months after Laura. Some days are better than others. Come and find us on Facebook. Your wife too.

Author:  namid [ Thu May 26, 2011 10:43 am ]
Post subject:  Re: New member

It is a sad time when we lose a child, it turns our world upside and sidewards. Each waking day, it takes it's toll upon us, whilst we try to do normal things, sometimes even to breath is hard enough. I remember so well these terrible days, the thoughts that entered my head and the grief of the loss. Just over two years futher into my journey life is better, I can think of my Son without panic in my heart. It's hard to do, but, you need to give yourself the time that your body needs and give time for your soul to rest.



Author:  Stephen M [ Thu May 26, 2011 11:13 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: New member

Thanks Namid.

I had to leave work again today . My coworker noticed the tears flowing down my face and told me it wasn't safe for me to continue (I install kitchens ) . I knew he was right and drove home crying the whole way .
I am glad to hear after 2 years you are doing better. I like hearing that others do improve . It gives me hope for our future . My wife and I fear life will not ever be happy or fun again . We are putting on a front for our younger daughter though I think she sees through it .
I just won't ever understand why life is so unfair for some and others get through it unscathed .
I think you are correct about both the body and soul needing to heal . I don't think people who haven't been through this understand how the mental grief and pain also take a huge toll physically on your body . I don't know how to rest or heal . Even laying in bed all I think about is my Katie and how much I miss her . How does one deal with the intensity of this pain ?

Author:  namid [ Fri May 27, 2011 5:15 am ]
Post subject:  Re: New member

I don't think you deal with the pain, I think you just except it and when you do, you than learn to cope. The pain never goes away, it stays deep inside and sometimes it will resurface and once more you grieve. This time it doesn't take so long and your life once more becomes normal, but a different normal to before.

Never expect to much of your body or mind. If one day you feel better except that, if one day your world is crashing down around your head, also do the same. Cry when you need to, never leave if for another time, for the time is now. Laughter and joy will return into your life, it's not gone for ever, it's just taken a back seat for the moment. Above all, give yourself time to heal, than give yourself more time, for it's time you need most of all.

Grief is a pathway, it's as many twists and turns, never worry if one day you have to fall to the wayside, for that is what your body needs. If someone offers a helping hand take it. Along the way you will see many people, one day you will need them, another day they will need you. Just walk forward, and never worry if one day you retrace old steps.



Author:  namid [ Fri May 27, 2011 5:45 am ]
Post subject:  Re: New member

Also wanted to say, for months I stared into the dark searching for my Son. I laid in bed watching the shadows, hoping that one of them was him. Today I don't search, for I found him, he'd never left me, it was just he was inside and I never realized. One day, you will also stop your searching for you will have found your beautiful Katie and you will realize she never left you, you'd only lost her for a while.



Author:  nickkhun23 [ Fri Jun 10, 2011 5:52 am ]
Post subject:  Re: New member

Hello ! Im Nick Berg from USA , and Im 23 years old . Hope thats okay

Author:  cali_halli [ Sun Jun 12, 2011 10:28 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: New member

I too am a new member, though the beginning of my experience precedes yours by nearly two years. My Alyson left this place, where time is relevant, on 11 June 2009. In some ways, I also entered that eternal plane without time. Everyday is yesterday, that day--the last day. Sometimes it is down to the last time I saw her smile or heard her speak. Driving to work, glimpsing th sky, feeling the wind, anytime, anyplace the sense of loss is there, just as it was the first time I heard "Mama, Aly's gone." Just as it was when I typed the quote, the hole is in my chest, and the tears sting my eyes.

Perhaps, I have not decided, it is a measure of God's loving kindness that for grieving parents time stops in relation to our child and the separation, permitting us a glimpse of our child's eternity--the same today, tomorrow, abut not forever. We too will find that plane of perpetual, endless reunion. I cannot imagine ther regret if I lost the ability to feel the hollowness in my chest, or the sting of tears that threaten to fall. I fear the guilt of forgetting would overwhelm.
I have the vicarious experience of my father when my brother was murdered; and of my grandmother, who lived with the loss of 4 of her 7 daughters: they lived; they laughed; they cried;they never moved beyond their loss..
I commend you for not relapsing. I am a social worker, and am aware of the struggle of recovery. Your Kate is very pleased, and what a blessing for your younger daughter.

Author:  Phelics [ Thu Aug 18, 2011 7:39 am ]
Post subject:  Re: New member

I just want to say that Namid explained it so clearly. My experiences are very close to what you said. I never got over my loss buy I learned to cope. I finally found happiness again after 6 years. But I still have my moments. Looking back I see how I was destroying myself trying to deal with my loss. I made bad decisions and I refused help from others. I wish I could go back but I can't. Thanks Namid.

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