Five Stages/Open Discussion

Tanya · **Posted:** Thu Sep 13, 2007 10:19 am

Tammy thank you for posting this again. Lately I have been feeling the numbness. I haven't felt like myself, I snap at anything and everything. I don't feel human, I feel more like a fog is carrying me around to where I go. I ache to hold my baby girl to spend more time with her. I keep reliving the day she passed away in the hospital and it makes me more and more mad, not upset but mad. I could of should of spent more time with her, I didn't get enough pics etc that kind of thing. I have been having alot more emotional days and nights, I don't want to go out of the house, I don't want to get out of bed, I don't want to cook or clean.

Lynda · **Posted:** Thu Sep 13, 2007 10:59 am

Dearest Tammy,

Thank you for posting this! It is so important for us to talk about our grief and to know that these stages are all so very normal.
Denial, shock, and numbness. I see myself continuing to experience all three of these. Denial because I don't want to believe or accept what has happened as it will never be OK with me. I too think at times this is all a big nightmare and eventually I have to wake up from it. It may be the day I go to my forever home before this nightmare ends, but I will finally be happy and not hurt any longer. The day will eventually come.
I continue to experience shock when I have my flashbacks. They knock me off my feet and put me right back at the scene, reliving it all over again. I am still in shock!
Numbness, DEFINITELY! I am numb to the world.
I continue to have difficulty in concentrating for long amounts of time, my short term memory has been affected by this, and I have since learned that I have a difficult time expressing myself to others, which causes me to become very frustrated. How can someone express an interest, love, or anything when all they think about is their child they can no longer see or care for? This is me! And thank you for letting me share with with you.

Hugs,
Lynda

Cindy · **Posted:** Thu Sep 13, 2007 11:12 am

I keep thinking I have gotten past this stage but every time I turn around I run right back into that brick wall. Lately, that has happened often over losing B.J. and over losing Wayne and Buck. Maybe it's because I'm already dreading the 4 year mark with B.J. coming up in Dec. and then it will be 22 years in Jan. since I lost the twins. I don't really know. Either way sometimes it feels like I take 1 step forward and 5 steps back.
I do still have a lot of days that I walk around in a fog and can't focus. It's usually when the sad memories have been triggered by something.
Next week the topic at my support meeting is Graduating From Grief...sounds crazy doesn't it? I'm looking forward to hearing what she has to say. Maybe something will help. Normally if someone were to say something to me about graduating from grief I would probably not listen to anything they had to say. But LaFreda, lost her only child Scotty 14 years ago next month (he was hit by a train just down the road from their house) at the age of 16 and I know she knows what grief is all about just like we do. I'll hear her out anyway.
I did tell a friend of mine this morning that at least I do have B.J., Wayne and Buck alive in heaven now (in my mind) instead of just not having them anymore. To me that is much progress. I miss them till I can't hardly stand it but knowing in my heart and mind that they are alive and that they are happy does help. I just wish I had them here...or better yet I wish my whole family could be there.
Love, Cindy

JANE_E · **Posted:** Thu Sep 13, 2007 2:59 pm

Tammy,
When I read this today, I burst into tears........... it is so weird, but this morning I told myself "I'll just pretend Scott is still living in Pennsylvania........" I only saw him twice a year then, sometimes three times, but I knew he was far away.

I didn't think about it then, but I'm still in the denial stage, "pretending" that he's still alive.

Do you know........when I send out email jokes or cartoons or political statements that he would have been interested in........... I also send it to him???? I believe he gets them somewhere............. it's just a little game I still play with myself....

But, sometimes I call it survival........ you do what you have to, as long as you can, to simply survive this horrible time in life.

jane

Lynda · **Posted:** Thu Sep 13, 2007 9:04 pm

Dear Jane,
I AM NOT THE ONLY ONE????? I have been known to pretend Garion is off with his friends just to help me get through a difficult day, weekend, or a difficult moment. Sometimes it is just too unbearable to think of him not coming home ever again. I guess I am in denial more than I thought. But hey...anything to help us right? I mean, I am still here, so whatever it is that I am doing to survive is working for me. Thank you for sharing this with us. I feel much better knowing I am not alone with my thoughts. I love you!
Hugs,
Lynda

Dessa · **Joined:** Tue Sep 04, 2007 6:16 am **Posts:** 3

Tammy you are exactly right I feel like I am living in nowhere land I catch myself sitting and looking out the window waiting for Joseph to come home. I do not want to believe I will never see him here again. I am numb I have lost control over my life I am just here I don't care anymore. I don't think it will ever change. sending my love. Dessa

Barbara · **Posted:** Thu Sep 13, 2007 10:12 pm

I am glad you posted this.Most days I go through the denial,I try to make myself believe Michael is at his Dads visiting and he'll be back. Every time I hear a loud pickup or one that's going by with the radio booming,I catch myself going to look out the window to see if Michael's home.But then I remember he's not coming home.
Other times I wake and think this just a bad nightmare and I want to wake up.I wonder around not knowing what day it is or what I 'm even suppose to be doing.
I can't concentrate,my mind just keeps going back to that day.Then again I try to make myself believe it never happen.Its all in my head.
I just want to scream at someone anyone I don't care!! I burst into tears for no reason,oh but wait maybe I do have a reason! I don't know how I 'm going to survive....
But I know I have to some how.

Barbara

Cindy · **Posted:** Thu Sep 13, 2007 10:36 pm

Barbara,
I'm so sorry this is so hard for you. I wish I could help you feel better. I can and am praying for you and will continue to.
I also wanted to come here and tell you something else. Every time I see your picture of Michael, my world is lite up a little more. I mean just look at him! He just has a make you feel good glow about him. I so wish I would have gotten to know him. I know I would have loved him. He just looks so fun! Like someone everyone would like. Oh I know you've got to miss him so much.
I hope he has gotten to know my boys in Heaven. I know him and B.J. would have a wonderful time together. You can just see it in their faces.
{{{Hugs}}}, Cindy

Cece · **Posted:** Thu Sep 13, 2007 11:00 pm

I wish I knew where I was. Some days I think I'm doing pretty good actually. And then I realize that I'm really in denial. Laura never lived here so it's easy to just "forget". One of the reasons I decided not to return to work is because I would be faced with constantly being reminded of her. We used to work together. My work friends are her work friends. I just can't face it. I know she is gone in my head. My heart is having a harder time with it. For days after she died I slept with her nightie by my face, I just wanted to smell her scent. It comforted me. Now I'm back home and she is 8 weeks gone. I keep trying to be strong for her 20 yr old who is now living with me. But, oh when he cries and says he's having a hard day, I want to make it better for him and I can't even help myself. I get up and do what I need to do. But, I lose track of things. I have a hard time concentrating. I try to watch TV or read and find my mind wandering. Lately I've been spending too much money. Mostly buying things for my other kids and grandchildren. I have it to spend right now but realize that I have to reign it in. I call it shopping therapy. So, QVC and E-Bay not to mention Wet Seal for my granddaughter have been getting alot of business from me lately. It makes them happy and so it makes me happy. Sort of. Oh well, I will get through this. But, I'm getting the picture that this is all a process. One step forward and 2 steps back. I Love you women and I thank you for being here for me as I stumble through this process.
Lucy

kalelsproudmama · **Joined:** Thu Sep 13, 2007 7:54 pm **Posts:** 29

This describes me totally. I often get days confused. I feel like I am in a time warp most of the time. I don't think I have fully grasped that MY SON is gone. I love love love to talk about him. It makes me smile every time I think of him. But if I think about his death or him dying or being an angel something just shuts DOWN in me. I get sick to my stomach I start crying and I can't breathe. This only happens when I think of his death. But I can talk about his life until I am blue in the face with the greatest of ease. I don't know if I am glad to be in the denial phase or just wish that phase was over. I think I like it here... seems less painful than KNOWING he is NEVER coming back.

Cindy · **Posted:** Thu Sep 13, 2007 11:33 pm

Just sending you a {{{Hug}}} Latrisha. ~ Cindy

Lynda · **Posted:** Thu Sep 13, 2007 11:39 pm

kalelsproudmama wrote:

I don't know if I am glad to be in the denial phase or just wish that phase was over. I think I like it here... seems less painful than KNOWING he is NEVER coming back.

Dear Latrisha,
You made a good point here and I never thought about it this way before. I wonder if part of the reason I am not able to get past this stage is because it makes sense, to me too, to be less painful than the alternative. Thank you for helping me understand why I may subconsciously be fighting this. If this is the case, I will be here for a long, long, long time.
Sending you lots of love xxxooo and I have missed you!
Hugs,
Lynda

Cindy · **Posted:** Fri Sep 14, 2007 12:13 am

Latrisha and Lynda,
I'm not just real certain that the choice to stay where you're at is all yours. I think if we jumped in there and had to accept all of this too soon it would really probably finish us off. I believe it is the Lord protecting us from too much at one time. I don't think our hearts could take it. I believe with all I have in me that this is what He meant when He said He won't put more on us than we can bare. I don't think He was meaning that horrible things wouldn't happen. I think He would just protect us from the full realization of it all at one time. And in so doing...not put more on us than we can bare.
Maybe this is just my opinion but I know I feel the Lord in it anyway.
I'm going to stop now. I know what I'm trying to say but I don't think I'm getting it to come out right.

Love ya'll, Cindy

Lynda · **Posted:** Fri Sep 14, 2007 1:19 am

Dear Cindy,
I think I know what you are trying to say and I thank you. God and I have had many, many, many talks about this. What I consider as being too much and what He considers as being too much is so different from each other at times. I know that this is my flesh talking and thinking this way, because in my heart I know God loves me and doesn't cause pain nor hurt. I have to remind myself often that Garion is fine...in fact, he is better than fine...he is in HEAVEN! I find myself asking God why he allowed my son to suffer. But, my son didn't suffer...I am the one suffering. And isn't that what I would have wanted? To take on any and all the pains for my children, to spare them of any? But then I cry for Calyn and Rylon, because they are my children too and they aren't fine, they are far from fine, they are hurting so much.
A lady at church told my sister-in-law the next day after Garion's accident (she knew the family had an accident and a loss, but she didn't know details or whom yet) and she said that she had a dream of a little boy falling and Jesus swept him up into His arms before he ever hit the ground. WOW!
OK Cindy, I don't know where I am going with this post....I think I got totally off track...but that is ok, I am going to post it anyways as it was obviously something that was on my heart to talk about.
If only God equipped us all with His way of thinking....sigh.
I think I can understand why God has provided us with a process of grieving. And yes, he knew I wouldn't be able to handle all of these emotions at once. It is just all so hard. There are times I don't feel like I am handling things well.
Your right, God didn't promise us to be free of horrible things but He did provide us with a place to be free of these things. This is what I need to stay focused on, heaven and eternal happiness.
Hugs,
Lynda

Cindy · **Posted:** Fri Sep 14, 2007 1:36 am

Oh Lynda, isn't staying focused so much easier said than done? I'm glad you understood what I was meaning. I know sometimes I have something to say and just can't get it to come out right. I definitely wasn't passing judgment. I just want to help and sometimes it's the Lord trying to get through to me.
I know it's so hard for Calyn and Rylon. I've had to watch my other children suffer as well and sometimes I just can't stand it. We just can't take their hurt away from them and it breaks our hearts.
I think it is so special that that lady told your sister-in-law that dream. As terrible as all of this is, I know that must bring some peace to your heart and mind.
I've about decided I'm not sure I want to know all of the ways the Lord thinks. I think it would be too much for me. Yea right!...I know it would! And if I knew it anyway, I would just argue with Him and probably get myself in some deep trouble.
I think you're handling you're grief exactly the way you need to. Like a Mom that loves her child with all she has in her and just wants him back.
I love you Lynda. Please know I'm praying for you and I didn't in any way mean to upset you.
Love, Cindy

Five Stages/Open Discussion

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