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 Post subject: Emotionally drained (vent)
PostPosted: Thu Sep 13, 2007 10:48 am 
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Joined: Sun Aug 26, 2007 1:21 pm
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Location: Kansas
Ladies, I have been having the worst week and I say week but it has been longer than that. I keep going back to May 1, the day Naudya Jo was born and then it is like it fast forwards to May 16 the day she passed away in my arms. I keep hearing the doctor tell me they were running out of options, then I hear them say her heart is to far damaged and it would just be a matter of time before my precious daughters heart stopped beating. As I sit and hold her for the first time at 4:30pm on May 16, I wonder if I hadn't gotten up at 8:30 to use the restroom and let her daddy hold her, would she of lived a bit longer. I ask myself everyday. I tell myself now I should of spent more time with her after she passed and been alone opposed to having everyone around, I didn't get anymore alone time.

I have held a grudge on my Mother in Law since that day. She walked into the hospital an hour after Naudya Jo passed away and the first words from her mouth was "can I hold her" No she didn't hold her because I wouldn't let her. I wouldn't even let the nurses take the tubes or anything out of her until all our family was there. Then to find out, the day of my baby girls funeral my MIL so graciously whispers to my mom of all people, did someone get a tranquilizer for Tanya. UMM I am not a rabid animal you ungrateful B***H. UGH I was so mad. So now I just hold a grudge and I don't know how or if I will get past it.

I keep contemplating going to the doctor and seeing about getting put on something, but when I call they always ask what is wrong and I don't want the people at the front desk to know I am needing something, for that matter I don't want anyone to know, not even Clint. Is that wrong? I often have thoughts of being dead and how I can accomplish it, (I won't I just think it) Then it comes down to my marriage, I can't afford to go anywhere right now, because I don't work except 2 days a week at the restaurant downtown but that is to get me out of the house. But I keep telling myself, when I get done taking my medical transcription courses and start making money, I will get out. I am just not happy, I don't know how to explain it, Clint doesn't know what I go everyday, and those days I don't feel like doing anything the first thing that he says is "wow you could of picked up the kitchen, could of brought up the folded clothes from downstairs, could of folded the other clothes downstairs, could of this could of that. I am tired of being belittled as he walks in the door.

We have our other house for sale, but until today it wasn't through a Realtor I was secretly hoping we wouldn't of sold it so I had somewhere to go when I do leave. Am I a bad person? what really sucks is I have been having some very in depth dreams of another guy, I don't know who he is in my dream but I do know it isn't my husband, I don't want anyone else, I don't need anyone else. I rather be alone. I mean I love Clint but something is missing. Am I feeling this way because I miss Naudya Jo or am I being selfish? I don't know. I just don't have a clue.

God help me through this, I hope it is just a phase and I will get through it but guide me please, this is when I need you most. You took my daughter away from me at only 16 days old. The saying God doesn't give you more than you can handle, is BS in my opinion, I can't handle anymore I am at the end of my rope.

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Tanya~Mommy to Karson Dean 2yo and Angel Naudya Jo May 1-16, 2007
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PostPosted: Thu Sep 13, 2007 11:21 am 
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Joined: Sun Aug 26, 2007 11:35 am
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Location: Florida
Tanya, honey, listen to me. Please call your doctor and make an appointment. Tell them anything you want~earache, cough, whatever. Then when you are alone with your doctor, tell him how you feel. Let him give you something to help or let him send you to a grief therapist. Whatever it is, let him help you. It's okay and I think it's necessary. You do not have to go through this by yourself trying to be strong and thinking you have to be strong.

You have been through the most traumatic event a mother can ever go through. Please take care of yourself and go see your doctor, okay?

Sending you love, hugs and prayers,
Susan

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CLINT~Just another child to you but the whole world to me...
http://clinton-milam.last-memories.com/

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PostPosted: Thu Sep 13, 2007 11:37 am 
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Joined: Fri Aug 31, 2007 11:23 am
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Location: Pennsylvania
My heart is breaking for you Tanya. I know and feel your pain all too well. I've been there...through everything that you just described. I've been, and still am, on medication over the loss of the twins. Go to the doctor, you don't have to tell the people at the front exactly what's going on, just tell them that you have some personal issues that you want to discuss with your doctor. The emptiness that you feel, quite honestly will never go away. There is nothing, or no one, that can will take the place of your daughter. I have thought the same exact thoughts that you are thinking right now. It's okay to be angry. It's okay to cry. I still experience that, even after 6 years. Take one day at a time. God will bring you through this; have faith.

I am sending you many, many gently (((hugs))). Know that I am always here for you, no matter what.

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Tonya ~ Mommy to Nadia Rose, Baby Cooper and precious Angels Jaydon and Jordan

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PostPosted: Thu Sep 13, 2007 12:19 pm 
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Joined: Tue Aug 28, 2007 12:57 pm
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Location: Texas
Tanya,
I'm so sorry, I know how hard it can be. I agree with Susan, tell them anything you want to just to get in to see the doctor and then let the doctor help you.
I don't hold any answers but I can tell you how I feel or what I think with the understanding you still have the right to do what you want to.
When and how your sweet baby died was completely out of you control. Nothing you did or could have done was not going to change anything. We aren't given that control.
As for how much time you spent with her alone or not alone, you just did what you had to do at that time. We can always look back and think why didn't I do this or that but when we're going through it all we are thinking is this can't be happening. We don't even have any control then either.
As for your Mother-in-law. You had every right to say no if you didn't want her to hold Naudya Jo. She may not understand that but you are the mommy in this picture no matter what. As for the grudge...I think the day will probably come that you will forgive her but I don't think it's something you need to be worried about right now. When the time comes, the Lord will help you. Your main concern right now should be to take care of yourself like little Naudya Jo would want you to.
I think you really love your husband, but you're both hurting so much right now and neither one of you know how to help the other. Clean houses and put away laundry isn't going to bring your little girl back. Neither is another man in your life. I think you're both so full of anger and hurt (and you have every right to be) and you need something or someone to blame. Our hearts and minds tell us if we can find someone or something to blame then all of this will make some kind of sense to us. But Tanya, that's not true. Losing our children will never make sense to us.
I think even what you say about having the other house is your minds way of thinking...I have found an escape form all my pain. I'm so sorry. It's just so awful isn't it? I think the dreams you've been having are brought on for the same reasons. I don't think it's because you want another man, you just want a life without the pain. I know it carries over into your dreams because it's so much a part of your life (the pain I mean). But you know the pain will be there with or without your husband.
This is what I would suggest...first go to the doctor. Don't make any rushed decisions on anything right now. Let them help you probably with meds. Pray about getting some counseling for yourself and possibly for both you and your husband. But for now focus on you. After a while, maybe you and your husband will be able to be open enough with each other about how you feel and what you need and be able to be each others greatest source of strength.
I'm only talking from my own road I've traveled. We had only been married 4 years when we lost our twins. Lord I remember how hard that was on our marriage. That was during the same time that B.J. was first diagnosed with kidney failure. Like you, I thought I couldn't take anymore. Then almost 4 years ago (17 years later) we lost B.J. Once again I thought we wouldn't survive. But we have. We need each other. Yes, your pain is a Mama's pain and his is a Daddy's pain but no one...not even us here...shares the same loss as you as much as he does. Naudya Jo is your child and his. Mom's and Dad's are so different, but no one is suffering your lose like each other are. As much as you don't understand each other...you're really the ones that understand each other the most. Do you know what I'm saying? Lord please help me make sense right now. I can feel her pain so much.
I'm going to stop now. I hope I've helped somehow. I'm praying for you both.
Love, Cindy

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B.J. you will always be my best Buddy in the Whole World. B.J., Wayne and Buck...forever loved and missed and never forgotten.
http://bobby-outlawii.last-memories.com
http://bjoutlawii.memory-of.com


Last edited by Cindy on Thu Sep 13, 2007 2:27 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Tanya
PostPosted: Thu Sep 13, 2007 1:57 pm 
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Joined: Sun Aug 26, 2007 4:24 pm
Posts: 350
Location: Portland,Oregon
I was going to give you some advice. But everyone else's is just so good that I would only be repeating what they have already said. Just know that I love you and wish I could reach across the miles and hold you in my arms.

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Lucy Carter

http://laura-dawn.last-memories.com

In loving memory of, Laura Dawn 2/26/68-7/19/07, my first born child, my daughter, my friend.
And
In loving memory of, Myron H. (Ozzie) Osborne 8/22/22-3/29/89, My dad, my teacher, my hero.
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Megan, Heather, Andrew,( Laura ), Mary, Jim, Russell


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Sep 13, 2007 2:43 pm 
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Joined: Sat Aug 25, 2007 12:46 pm
Posts: 254
Location: Washington State, USA
Tanya,

Cindy gave you excellent advice. We all know the anger that comes when we lose a child. We can all give you advice, and we do it because we've been exactly where you are and experienced our own various forms of the same emotions. We do it because we care very much for the agony that you're in now and if there's anything we can do to help you through this horrible time in your life, we want to do it. We'll do whatever it takes, if it will help you.

This grief is overwhelming. It creates an insanity in us and I believe we revert back to being almost a wild animal in our grief........we can't control our emotions, our feelings, and sometimes our behaviors. It's a very strange and confusing time. We find ourselves living in a person we no longer know or understand, and worse yet, we're living in a world where we don't speak the language, or know the culture. We don't know what to do. Everything and everyone is now strange to us. Our entire life, as we knew it, has been destroyed and we're helpless, totally helpless to do anything about it.

I wanted to die also, I believe that's normal........... I'm sure the first thing most of us thought was that we wanted to go also..........."DON"T LEAVE ME HERE"....

When I was told my son was going to die, I literally went insane, I screamed, and screamed at the top of my lungs. I rolled on the floor in agony, I beat my fists against the floor and would not accept comfort from anyone. My husband was terrified, he tried to hold me but I struck out at him with my fists all the while screaming, wailing in my agony......... Finally when I could not move or utter another sound..... I just lay there, on the floor, feeling like a trapped animal. I was physically, emotionally and mentally spent.............

We've all gone through this initial stage of absolute insanity. I can understand so much of what you're feeling. You just want to escape, to find a place where the pain has never been and begin again.............

But, please dear heart........ know that your pain will follow you wherever you go. It's a terrible thing, but you must find a way to go through it. You can't go over it or under it or around it. It's a huge mountain in your life's path, and you must climb it, on your hands and knees maybe, but you must find a way.

We're here to help you....... you're not alone in this struggle. We understand.... we're still trying to climb that mountain ourselves and some of us are still crawling on our hands and knees......... a few feet up and then a huge slide back down again. It's the most difficult task we've ever faced. Laboring to give birth is a piece of cake compared to this struggle.

This all sounds like heavy handed advice.....but it's the saddest fact of life we've ever faced. We've all faced that mountain and thought " I can't do it, I don't even want to do it, I don't want to survive.......... and I just don't care anymore."

Been there, done that........over and over again.

Call your doctor, today. If you don't want to share with the receptionist...... tell her it's private, but it's an emergency. She doesn't have to know all the details. Remember, if you start taking antidepressants, it will take up to three weeks for some of them to start working.............so ask for some anti anxiety meds also. If you're suffering from so much depression and anxiety............ask him for just a trial dosage, and be very careful to get the instructions clearly. Don't take too many, just believe in your heart, that they will help you, given the time it takes......... and you will begin to slowly see daylight.

Don't expect too much from yourself. I still don't keep my house like I use to, or myself. I've lost so much of my concern about how things (and me) "look" anymore. But, for me it's been almost 11 months. I'm not very much better as far as my grief is concerned, but I see that there's still a world out there and I must find a way to live in it.

As far as your mother-in-law......... we all find someone to "hate' briefly... your sweet baby was your child, from your body....... she's your angel..... but dear Tanya, she also was the grandchild of this woman. If she wanted to hold her..... it was out of grief and pain also. If she asked about meds for you, it sounds as if she saw how much you were suffering..... and was concerned.

You don't need to concern yourself about anyone else at this time, you're at that stage where you can't even see outside of your own pain......... but there will come a time when you will love the people who grieved for your sweet little angel. Those people are broken hearted also and confused and bewildered, as you are. You don't need to do anything about them now.......... just take care of yourself.

I don't believe anyone feels the same grief a mother feels, but that's coming from my own selfish viewpoint. "No-one's pain is as sharp as mine......." but that's probably not true, or ever has been. It's just that everyone handles it so differently. I had times when I didn't like my husband because I felt he was going on with life and even expected me to........... but when I shouted at him that he just didn't grieve... He shared with me that he felt he didn't have the right to collapse, he had to take care of me??????????

Let us help you, please, listen to what Cindy told you..........call your doctor today and ask for help. It's there for you, just reach out for it.

We'll say prayers for you and especially your precious little angel.

Love
Jane

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Scott Matthew HIll - 2 years old
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To lose a child teaches one what the word bereavement really means. There is no loss equal to the loss of a child.

“We are each of us angels with only one wing. And we can only fly embracing each other."
~Luciano De Crescenzo

www.scottmatthew-hill.last-memories.com


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PostPosted: Thu Sep 13, 2007 3:06 pm 
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Joined: Sun Aug 26, 2007 1:21 pm
Posts: 180
Location: Kansas
Tammy, Cindy, Jane, everyone, thank you so much for your input, I haven't had a chance today to call my docs office, because I have been on the phone with my insurance company as it seems 4 months later they are still F*****g around. I promise to get them called and make the much needed appointment. I am so grateful to have each of you ladies to help me walk through this very rough journey. I love you all and thank you.

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Tanya~Mommy to Karson Dean 2yo and Angel Naudya Jo May 1-16, 2007
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PostPosted: Thu Sep 13, 2007 3:33 pm 
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Joined: Fri Aug 31, 2007 11:23 am
Posts: 330
Location: Pennsylvania
You are so very welcome....just take care of yourself. Make that appt as soon as you can. Hang in there; and know we're all here for you. I love you.

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Tonya ~ Mommy to Nadia Rose, Baby Cooper and precious Angels Jaydon and Jordan

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PostPosted: Thu Sep 13, 2007 10:36 pm 
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Joined: Thu Aug 23, 2007 10:23 am
Posts: 483
Location: North Carolina
Dear Tanya,
First I want to say I care about you! And you are NOT a bad person!!! You are living though the absolute worst thing anyone could ever live through, and you love and miss your daughter so very much. Hun, I have had some of these same thoughts that you spoke of and I am too on medication because of them. Know that there is nothing wrong with seeking help my friend. I want to encourage you like the rest of the ladies here to PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE call the doctor and make an appointment. Come talk to us before you do if you need to, and then come back and talk to us afterwards. We are here for you and we will help hold your hand as you take these baby steps. Know that I am also praying for you.
Hugs,
Lynda

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Garion, I love you!
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 14, 2007 9:12 am 
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Joined: Fri Aug 31, 2007 11:23 am
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Tanya..just checking in on you; making sure that you know you're in my thoughts and prayers.

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Tonya ~ Mommy to Nadia Rose, Baby Cooper and precious Angels Jaydon and Jordan

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PostPosted: Fri Sep 14, 2007 9:45 am 
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Joined: Sun Aug 26, 2007 1:21 pm
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Location: Kansas
Tonya~ Thanks for asking about me. I am doing ok as of this moment, however each moment is different. I am planning on calling my doc this afternoon to see when they can see me. I have even considered calling my OB as she said if I needed anything to call her and she is absolutely amazing and I feel totally comfortable with her. I will let ya all know. Thanks again.

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Tanya~Mommy to Karson Dean 2yo and Angel Naudya Jo May 1-16, 2007
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