Oh Cindy,
You didn't upset me.......... I appreciate you noticing his picture. He was such a little character, could talk circles around us by the time he was two years old.
I've been looking at his baby book, at so many pictures of him and crying my eyes out. I just can't do it yet. You didn't upset me .......... I've been like this all night. Out of nowhere this thing came out and attacked me........... I thought I was doing better, I've had a really crappy time the last two days. Sometimes I just don't think I can do this any more.
But, please dear Cindy, it was so sweet of you to notice the picture and comment on it.... I was upset long before then
You actually brought a brief smile to me....
I love you guys, each & every one of you......... but sometimes I'm not a very strong person......... I just sort of crumble.... and cry until I don't have tears left. How can we do this? How can God even ask us to bear this? I was remembering how I would swoop him up in my arms and kiss his neck until he'd beg me to stop..... and he'd say "I'll tell you a story" so I'd stop and he'd make up a story about our little dog, or his brother or sister.... just a simple little story to get me to stop kissing his neck. Sometimes I'd stop and he'd say "do it again, do it again.............." when I look at the picture, I remember doing that just as if it were last night, or just this morning.
I had one spot on his neck that was only mine.... and he'd get mad if anyone else kissed him there..... they had to kiss the other side. The kids would tease him and kiss "mommy's spot" and he'd get so angry at them..... but then he'd giggle and they'd chase him through the house. Mike & Laurie member those times and both of them cry when they talk about their baby brother. He was so loved from the moment we all knew he was on the way.
I'm not mad at God, just totally destroyed by the pain.............. I just don't see how people go on and survive these times in their lives. I just don't understand it all. My mind just can't concentrate or even remember things on a day to day basis but I remember those sweet little moments with my baby.
Do you ever feel as if you're just pretending to be alive" Not really able to put one foot in front of the other, but still getting up, doing the bare minimum and just pretending that you'll make it another day......?
That's how I've felt for two days now. I'm so weary of the pain and the grief..... I wish it would go away and just let me treasure the memories and let go of the pain.
Love you very much,
goodnight,
jane
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Scott Matthew HIll - 2 years old
To lose a child teaches one what the word bereavement really means. There is no loss equal to the loss of a child.
“We are each of us angels with only one wing. And we can only fly embracing each other."
~Luciano De Crescenzo
www.scottmatthew-hill.last-memories.com
