Third Day/Open Discussion

Lynda · **Posted:** Sat Sep 15, 2007 9:33 am

Dear Tammy,
Thank you. I have done my share of bargaining with God. After reading today's and comparing how I feel to yesterday's difficult discussion, I think my anger and guilt feed off of each other. My post from yesterday would have fit here as I talked about my guilt quit a bit. Physical pain? You bet! Mental pain, spiritual pain, I have sadly experienced all of this. I don't like to see other families go through this much pain, but when I read about your experiences, it reassures me that I am not crazy and I am not alone. I know Garion's death is a reality in my life, but I am not able to accept it as being OK. As his mom, I will always look for ways to have him "alive" in our lives. I hope this is normal too???? I also think part of my struggle with anger and guilt (yes, I am still stuck on the anger discussion as it touched me deeply) is I do not like who I have become since Garion's death. I miss the old me! I use to be so happy, healthy, and social. Now I have health problems, gained weight, and keep to myself and my immediate family for the most part. My socialization is with my Angel Families here. I have done this to myself and I hate myself for it. My best friend of 15 years couldn't handle what had happened to my family and she stopped talking to me, as well as her husband who use to best friends with mine. I thought "if my best friend can't handle me, then no one can. I am no longer worthy of friends." I now know this is wrong, but 2 months after Garion's accident I wasn't thinking straight. And now that 2 years have past, I am stuck with who I have become. What does this have to do with bargaining? I have no idea...but I saw mentioned "isolate themselves from family members, friends, or co-workers". It has been a difficult few days for me. Maybe it is the change of weather and knowing the holidays are fast approaching :cry:

Hugs,
Lynda

Susan · **Posted:** Sat Sep 15, 2007 10:46 am

Tammy,

I guess I'm a classic grieving parent, because this stage fits me to a T too. I'm a mess. And anyone who insinuates this is a choice (and, yes they do) has no idea what they are talking about.

Love,
Susan

Barbara · **Posted:** Sat Sep 15, 2007 12:36 pm

Tammy ,This all sounds like me to.I think I go back and forth alot between Denial,Anger and Bargaining.Yes I've done alot of bargaining with God also.I blame myself wondering what I could have done to have prevented this from happening.
I feel the aches and pain to the point somedays'I have to force myself to get out of bed.I have cut myself off from family and co-workers to the point I even quit my job.I know that wasn't the best decision I could have made but I just couldn't handle other people talking behind my back and feeling pity on me.I don't want anyones' pity.Only [/size]understanding.But you can't make someone understand if they've never walked in your shoes.
I think I'm getting off the subject,I'm sorry.But I've had a hard time talking about this until now.Everyone here in this group just makes it so easy.
I seem to replay that day over and over,trying to make a deal with God for time to rewind and give my son back and just take me instead.I know thats' never going to happen but I keep doing it anyway.

Love and Hugs
Barbara

Barbara · **Posted:** Sat Sep 15, 2007 10:46 pm

Tammy,
Thank you for your kind words and my heart breaks for you and I share your tears.
Your pain is just as real as ours but you are always thinking of others with your kindness and selflessness.Its not fair that our children have to go before us.But I do feel better knowing their up there watching over us and each other Til the day we are reunited.

Sending much Love and HUGS,
Barbara

Cindy · **Posted:** Sun Sep 16, 2007 12:18 am

I've thought about his all day but didn't have the time to come put my answer...been laying tile! Now that I have time I'm too tired and I'm sick...I think I've smelled too much glue. Maybe tomorrow or sometime. please say a prayer for me.
I love all of you, Cindy

Third Day/Open Discussion

Who is online