Dear Tammy,
Thank you. I have done my share of bargaining with God. After reading today's and comparing how I feel to yesterday's difficult discussion, I think my anger and guilt feed off of each other. My post from yesterday would have fit here as I talked about my guilt quit a bit. Physical pain? You bet! Mental pain, spiritual pain, I have sadly experienced all of this. I don't like to see other families go through this much pain, but when I read about your experiences, it reassures me that I am not crazy and I am not alone. I know Garion's death is a reality in my life, but I am not able to accept it as being OK. As his mom, I will always look for ways to have him "alive" in our lives. I hope this is normal too???? I also think part of my struggle with anger and guilt (yes, I am still stuck on the anger discussion as it touched me deeply) is I do not like who I have become since Garion's death. I miss the old me! I use to be so happy, healthy, and social. Now I have health problems, gained weight, and keep to myself and my immediate family for the most part. My socialization is with my Angel Families here. I have done this to myself and I hate myself for it. My best friend of 15 years couldn't handle what had happened to my family and she stopped talking to me, as well as her husband who use to best friends with mine. I thought "if my best friend can't handle me, then no one can. I am no longer worthy of friends." I now know this is wrong, but 2 months after Garion's accident I wasn't thinking straight. And now that 2 years have past, I am stuck with who I have become. What does this have to do with bargaining? I have no idea...but I saw mentioned "isolate themselves from family members, friends, or co-workers". It has been a difficult few days for me. Maybe it is the change of weather and knowing the holidays are fast approaching
Hugs,
Lynda
Maybe tomorrow or sometime. please say a prayer for me.