Variety (ttc mentioned)

kalelsproudmama · **Joined:** Thu Sep 13, 2007 7:54 pm **Posts:** 29

First of all I wanted to say thank you to all the mothers (grandmothers) that welcomed me. I am looking forward to getting to know all of you. And I am SO excited to be around those I already know again!
Cindy, Jane, Tammy and Lynda I don't know what I would have done without you these past nine months (tomorrow).
Also I would like to give a very BIG welcome to Craig. I am so glad a dad has joined us! I wish my own husband would join. I am his ONLY support and wish he had someone to reach out to!
Today I am feeling very weird. I am shaky all over. I feel light headed, and sick to my stomach. I am not sure why! The fact that in a few short months it will be one year since my son has passed away. ONE YEAR! One year since I have heard his laugh, smelled his baby smell, heard his cry, comforted him, put him to bed. Oh how the pain is so intense.

The last time I ever held him was the night before his funeral. I sang to him, told him how much I loved him, how much I miss him, told him how very sorry I was for everything! I just sat there for hours hugging and kissing him. This would be the last time I would hold my son EVER in this lifetime! I WILL be reuinted with him in Heaven and have an eternity to do it again. But the pain is just too much to bear. I sang every song he liked. I touched every finger and ran my fingers across his whole face, trying to memorize every inch of his beautiful face. Slowly engraving each curve and line of his face into my fingertips. I want more than anything to hear his giggle once more! To be able to kiss him and KNOW he feels it. Just one more time to change his diaper, to give him a bath and rinse every bubble off his cute little body. I want him to wear everything in his closet that still has the tags on it.
I want to see him running around playing with his brothers. I want to comfort him when he is getting his teeth. I want so much to see what he would look like with teeth. I want so badly to lay down with him snuggled so close in my arms that every breathe I take is filled with his sweet smell. How can this be possible that ALL of it is gone! In an instant with no warning, no chance to say goodbye. Taken away with no chance to prepare or plan for it. Just GONE! MY SON gone!
It has been 9 months tomorrow since Kalel died and we have been trying to hard to conceive and NOTHING! Not even a slight chance of hope. A couple months ago I decided to let God take control of it. As if we ever really had any control in the first place. But I am starting to feel like he is mad at me for something. First he calls my son home after only 6m27 days. Then after months of trying to conceive he has yet to bless us. We have always wanted more children. so it's not like we are trying to replace Kalel. And if you knew Kalel, you would know there is NO replacing him! Ughh I am sorry I have to go for now.

Love you all
Thanks for letting me ramble
Take care and God Bless

Susan · **Posted:** Sun Sep 16, 2007 7:21 pm

All things in God's own time. Maybe this crummy feeling you're having today is because a new life is growing in your tum?

Our angel's anniversary is so difficult, I'm sending you lots of love, hugs and prayers.

Love,
Susan

[img][img]http://i112.photobucket.com/albums/n163/terrysusan/Prayerssending.gif[/img][/img]

Barbara · **Posted:** Sun Sep 16, 2007 9:51 pm

I'm sorry for all your heartache I wish there was something I could do.
Tammy and Susan are right you could have a little one growing inside you.For now I'm sending you HUGS,and keeping you in my prayers.
love Barbara

Cindy · **Posted:** Mon Sep 17, 2007 1:30 pm

Latrisha,
I didn't answer your yesterday and I'm sorry. I just couldn't. My heart just broke for you even more reading what you said about holding sweet Kalel for the last time. Oh Latrisha, I'm so sorry.
I know today is 9 months and I wish I could just come and sit with you and cry with you or whatever you would want me to do. Please know I'm praying for you and will continue to.
I'm sorry you're wanting to have another baby and can't right now. Maybe it would be too much for you to handle being pregnant right now when your emotions are already frazzled beyond measure. I don't know but the Lord does and I guess He's not telling. I will pray that just as soon as the time is right that He will bless you. I wish I could do more.
And Latrisha you are so right...there is No replacing little Superman. You know that and everyone that knows you or him knows that. You just have a lot of love to give and want another little one to give it to. The day is coming...
I love you, Cindy

Lynda · **Posted:** Mon Sep 17, 2007 6:15 pm

Dear Latrisha,
I know this is a difficult time for you and I wish with all my heart I could take away your pain. Know that you are loved and cared for by all of us here. Keeping you my prayers, I know how much you want this to happen. Please do not give up hope. Kalel is so proud of you and I believe he will help God make the perfect little sister or brother for him when the timing is perfect, just like he will always be.
Hugs,
Lynda

Cindy · **Posted:** Tue Sep 25, 2007 12:20 am

Latrisha, I just had you on my mind and wanted to say I love you, I care and I'm praying for you. If you need me you know where to find me...I'm where B.J. ate the rocks!!!
Love you, Cindy

Tonya · **Posted:** Tue Sep 25, 2007 10:55 am

Latrisha.....

Just wanted to let you know that I was thinking about you. Hope you're doing okay. I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

Love you!!!

kalelsproudmama · **Joined:** Thu Sep 13, 2007 7:54 pm **Posts:** 29

Thank you ALL for your responses. I am so glad to have each and everyone of you in my life. I am sorry I haven't been around much lately. I wish i had an excuse but the truth is I have no idea what is going on with me. I don't feel much liker myself lately. Normally I go to the cemetery at least once a day, this week I have only gone twice, not because it's too hard, just for no reason at all. I haven't even been l;lighting many candles for him, again for no reason at all. I don't know what is going on with me. Could I possibly be forgetting my Leller's??? I wish I knew the answer. I just wanted to tell you ladies how much you mean to me. You have been my shoulder to cry on, my ear to listen, my friend to yell at. You have been my support system. I am truly grateful to have each and everyone one of you. I am a better person because of you and your strength.

Take care and God Bless
Love
latrisha

Cindy · **Posted:** Tue Sep 25, 2007 9:48 pm

Could I possibly be forgetting my Leller's???

No Latrisha, you're not forgetting that sweet little man of yours. I can remember going through that. I'm not sure why. I think it has something to do with being totally exhausted and also that stage of denial. If we can somehow not acknowledge all of this (yeah right) then it must not really be true. It must just be some terrible nightmare we're having and one day soon we will wake up and everything will be as before. I don't think our minds, hearts or bodies are able to take it all in at once. I think this is a protection for us even though protected is the last thing we feel.
I don't know Latrisha and I won't pretend I do. I just know I can remember being there where your at and it was awful. But you hear what I say...YOU WILL NEVER FORGET THAT LITTLE MAN OF YOURS! That is just not going to happen. That I will promise you. You just go with what you feel like doing when you feel like it, that's how you do it. The candles will still be there burning and the cememtary isn't going anywhere. Besides your lilttle Leller's is in Heaven helping Jesus watch over his mommy.
I love you Latrisha and together we will make it.
Love and prayers, Cindy

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