First of all I wanted to say thank you to all the mothers (grandmothers) that welcomed me. I am looking forward to getting to know all of you. And I am SO excited to be around those I already know again!
Cindy, Jane, Tammy and Lynda I don't know what I would have done without you these past nine months (tomorrow).
Also I would like to give a very BIG welcome to Craig. I am so glad a dad has joined us! I wish my own husband would join. I am his ONLY support and wish he had someone to reach out to!
Today I am feeling very weird. I am shaky all over. I feel light headed, and sick to my stomach. I am not sure why! The fact that in a few short months it will be one year since my son has passed away. ONE YEAR! One year since I have heard his laugh, smelled his baby smell, heard his cry, comforted him, put him to bed. Oh how the pain is so intense.
The last time I ever held him was the night before his funeral. I sang to him, told him how much I loved him, how much I miss him, told him how very sorry I was for everything! I just sat there for hours hugging and kissing him. This would be the last time I would hold my son EVER in this lifetime! I WILL be reuinted with him in Heaven and have an eternity to do it again. But the pain is just too much to bear. I sang every song he liked. I touched every finger and ran my fingers across his whole face, trying to memorize every inch of his beautiful face. Slowly engraving each curve and line of his face into my fingertips. I want more than anything to hear his giggle once more! To be able to kiss him and KNOW he feels it. Just one more time to change his diaper, to give him a bath and rinse every bubble off his cute little body. I want him to wear everything in his closet that still has the tags on it.
I want to see him running around playing with his brothers. I want to comfort him when he is getting his teeth. I want so much to see what he would look like with teeth. I want so badly to lay down with him snuggled so close in my arms that every breathe I take is filled with his sweet smell. How can this be possible that ALL of it is gone! In an instant with no warning, no chance to say goodbye. Taken away with no chance to prepare or plan for it. Just GONE! MY SON gone!
It has been 9 months tomorrow since Kalel died and we have been trying to hard to conceive and NOTHING! Not even a slight chance of hope. A couple months ago I decided to let God take control of it. As if we ever really had any control in the first place. But I am starting to feel like he is mad at me for something. First he calls my son home after only 6m27 days. Then after months of trying to conceive he has yet to bless us. We have always wanted more children. so it's not like we are trying to replace Kalel. And if you knew Kalel, you would know there is NO replacing him! Ughh I am sorry I have to go for now.
Love you all
Thanks for letting me ramble
Take care and God Bless
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