Jo Ann,
Yes, it's so hard to explain to someone who hasn't experienced this loss. I look back on the old me and wonder who I was then. Was that "me" or is this now "me"? I guess that sounds confusing........but
I think back and some times I think I took my life for granted. It wasn't a spectacular life, and had a lot of heartache in it......... but I took pride in the fact that I had survived it. I lost my parents, 6 brothers, 2 sisters, all my aunts, uncles, most of my cousins, nieces, nephews, and several close friends. I went through a terrible divorce at 32 years of age with three children and no work experience at all. I was scared to death and thinking I couldn't do it.......but I went back to school and got my two year degree and a business college degree. I worked steadily and full-time, without interruption from 1975 until June 30 of 2006. I took a small amount of pride in my independence and my "strength" even through it all. I, most of the time, felt like I had stood strong against adversity. I never received a penny of child support, even though I was married to a doctor who worked in cancer research and taught at the U of Washington. They didn't enforce it back those days.
But, the kids and I hung together and we made it. They were all grown and married with children of their own. I got remarried in 1975 and we struggle along, it wasn't always easy, but we're still together.
I didn't think I was supremely happy or unhappy...... I just took life for granted, loving my grand children and my kids and working and having friends, etc.....
But when Frank's daughter Danni committed suicide.......... I had a very abrupt and painful interruption in my life. It shocked and devastated me. Right after she diied, not even two weeks after, one of Scott's best friends told us that Scott had only been given four months to live. I, of course, confronted? (asked) Scott about it and he denied it.
Now I know why, we had just lost his sister and he watched how hurt and upset we were and didn't want us to worry any more and feel any more pain than we already were. But, as time went by I could see him getting sicker and sicker every day and I still refused to believe it was terminal.
Danni's life was such a mess when she died. She left two teenage boys who were running absolutely wild. One of them had been a runaway for more than three months and we didn't know about it. Danni's new husband had adopted the boys legally..... which was a nightmare. We hunted down the 15 year old and brought him home with us. He was so sweet......... I thought. We fixed up a bedroom for him, new carpet, shades, beds, all new bedding......... and I spent a fortune getting clothes for him. He didn't even have shoes when he came here....... he was wearing a pair that a friends sister had given him.
We hired an attorney, very expensive, and went to court to prove the adopted father was not a good father. It worked, he was and is a total alcoholic. He kept a loaded gun beside his bed and constantly threatened to kill himself with it.........
Instead of fighting us, he signed the boys over to us. One of them was older, in college and had a girlfriend he was moving in with and wasn't interested in coming to live with us. The other one did for six months. I got him into counseling and took him for a physical and to the dentist..... and registered him in school here.
He stayed with us for six months............. but he was sneaking out every night, and then he blackmailed the other teenage grandsons into going with him. We'd go to bed and they'd sneak out the window and walk the streets all night long.
We found out about it.I was angry at him but he wasn't even sorry. He lied to us over and over.
He had a girlfriend in the little town where they had lived which was about 40 miles north of us. Our telephone bill was astronomical..... he called her sometimes 40 times a day. I got us on a paid long distance plan but only after we paid horrible phone bills.
He wouldn't do his homework and was failing in school. He got into trouble......... and all the while, I was watching Scott get sicker and sicker..... Eric was still with us when we lost Scott. I just couldn't deal with it anymore.
We told him he either had to straighten up or we wouldn't be responsible for him. So, he decided to go back to his "dad". We lost Scott in October, I don't have to tell anyone how that affected me, and Eric stayed with us through December. He came the middle of June, when his mother died, and stayed through December. Then in February, my nephew died. That was such a shock to me........he practicallyy grew up with my kids.
Just a few days ago I got a call from the court, juvenile department............. apparently Eric had been in the hospital on life support.............from drinking too much alcohol. Nobody called to tell us that he was in there......... on life support. That really upset me.........we could have lost him and nobody called to tell us that he was on the run again and had been for months. The probation guy wanted to know if we wanted to take him back, but we couldn't because we couldn't control him, he wouldn't mind and he had told us he had no intention of "changing". Right now, neither Frank nor I have what it takes to manage a totally out of control teenager. It about drove me crazy after Scott passed, trying to keep Eric in school and safe.
I love that kid but finally I had to admit that we couldn't help him. Once a teenager gets use to being totally his own boss..... there's no going back.
So, he went back to Matt. I found out that he's driving now.. and drinking. That worries me to death. But, I can't do a thing about it. I'm trying to accept that now.
So, I called the juvenile court guy back and he said that the court will be watching Eric and his "dad" very carefully now. If Eric goofs up again, or gets picked up......... they'll send him to a group home. I think that would be best for him but it makes me so sad.
In the meantime, I find out that my niece, Martha, is dying.
So, now it seems any bad news just about sends me over the edge. I just can't take it and give it the proper amount of attention......... it seems to knock me off my feet totally. I get so down I don't even want to answer the phone. It's been so much bad news.
I've been very alone and withdrawn the past few days, not wanting to have a conversation with anyone about anything.
I didn't think I could explain even a part of it, but I guess I just did. It's at least what's been going on in my world, but my mind and emotions sort of shut down on me. I've been very "numb", not recognizing my own self...and my reactions. I have no interest in anything right now..... and I don't like the feeling of simply not caring anymore.
Usually I sort of "process" it all and then file some of it away, but it's all been going round and round in my mind and I haven't been able to sort it out at all. It feels like, just now I don't have a safe hole to crawl into. My entire life has spun out of control and I'm helpless to do a thing about it.
So............... there my friends, that's why I have been curled into a chubby little ball.