A Heart Touching Experience

Jo Ann · **Posted:** Sat Sep 22, 2007 6:41 pm

Today I had a very heart touching experience that I would like to share with everyone. Don and I took our 6 year old grandson, Tyler, to the zoo. While walking through the zoo we were near a young family - a mom, dad and little boy. The little boy was about 2 years old and just precious and full of life. I told the mom that her son was adorable and so cute. She thanked me. I told her that she didn't need to thank me, because just watching her son was a joy for me.

She then meekly, like she was almost afraid to verbalize it, told me she had lost her other son. She could not even look up when she almost whispered it to me. I immediately told her I was so sorry that her son had died and I looked her lovingly in the eyes and said,"What is your son who died name? Her eyes popped open and tears ran down her face. She then said,"His name is Christipher." She took out her purse and then her wallet and shared with me about a dozen lovely pictures of her sweet Christopher. She told me Christopher was born with severe medical problems and only lived 10 months. She said he was so ill that he had to spend his 10 month long life in the hospital. I gingerly looked at each precious picture of Christopher. She cried and quietly sobbed the whole time we had together. I briefly told her about my Krystal and how she was killed by a drunk driver and left 1 year old twin sons.

She asked me how I answered when people asked me how many children I have. I told her that was a personal decision and each bereaved parent has to handle it the way that feel most comfortable for them. I told her I always say that I have 4 daughters. If I feel like sharing more with the person, then I tell something briefly about each daughter and say that my Krystal was killed on December 10, 2003 by a drunk driver. I told her for me I will always say i have 4 daughters, because Krystal is still and will always be my child.

She told me that her mother and grandmother, when asked how many grandchildren they have say one. She said her heart breaks each time they say that because they act like Christopher never existed. She was really crying now. She said that her mother and grandmother have told her Christopher is gone and she is NOT to talk about him or mention his name. Just act like he never existed and go on with her life. I told her my heart hurt for her and that her Christopher would always be her son and she would always be his Mom. I put my arms around this grieving Mom and we cried together, as people just walked around us in the zoo acting like nothing was happening.

This young Mom lost her Christopher in August of 2004. She tried to apologize to me for crying, but I told her from my heart that I was honored and blessed that for some reason she opened up to me and shared her precious Christopher with me.

I do not know why this sweet young grieving Mom opened up to me, a stranger, and in a public place, but I feel so honored to hear about her beloved Christopher. We were two grieving moms reaching out to each other in the most emotionally intimate way in an extremelyy public place. It was as if everything paled and all that mattered for those precious minutes we had together was that we both spoke the same language - the language of a grieving parent.

Lynda and Tammy, she gave me her work email - she does not have a computer at home. May I tell her about our forum, incase she would like to join us?

With love,

Lynda · **Posted:** Sat Sep 22, 2007 7:02 pm

Dear Jo Ann,
I am sitting here crying too. Part of me is so sad and part of me is so thankful you were there for this mother and she was there for you. Coincidence? I don't think so. I think your angels brought you together and neither one of you will ever forget this moment. Please share this forum with her....in fact, share it with anyone you know or run into that may find comfort. It is so sad to hear how her family responded to her about her other son. It meant so much to her to have someone, even a stranger, allow her to talk about her son. This is proof of how important it is for people to allow us to talk about ALL of our children. God bless you for being such a loving and caring person. (((HUGS)))

Also, was this by chance the zoo in Jacksonville or are you still in Georgia? If it was in Jacksonville, I have pictures of when we took Garion

Hugs,
Lynda

Susan · **Posted:** Sat Sep 22, 2007 8:10 pm

Jo Ann,

What a beautiful story! I agree with Lynda, I don't think there are coincidences, I think you ran into this sweet young Mom for a reason.

How sad that she feels like she is supposed to forget her little son and act like he wasn't born. I wonder if her mother and grandmother THINK they are helping her ?!!

God blessed me with three children, and three children I have. Two live here and one lives in my heart.

Love and hugs,
Susan

Tonya · **Posted:** Sat Sep 22, 2007 8:44 pm

JoAnn...

God Bless you for being there for this lady. You have shown her that people really do care about her child that she lost.

I am sending both her and you many gentle (((hugs))) and keeping you both in my prayers. I think it would be wonderful for her join our forum.

Barbara · **Posted:** Sat Sep 22, 2007 9:10 pm

JoAnn,
I agree you and this Mom were brought together for a reason,She needed to be heard and for Christopher to matter and he does .I will be keeping her in my prayers.
love and hugs,
Barbara

Cindy · **Posted:** Sat Sep 22, 2007 10:14 pm

Jo Ann,
You know when my B.J. died I couldn't understand but I have always told the Lord...If you had to take him at least let me see some good come from it and He has.
I believe that today He has shown you some good that has come from Him calling your sweet Krystal home. Had you not been through all you have been through you could not have shown this young Mom the true compassion that you were able to show her.
No it doesn't make Him calling Krystal home any better or any easier but maybe knowing that you were able to help another broken heart, well...maybe it brought a measure of healing to yours. If nothing else I know it made the Lord and Krystal proud of you, and you made a difference for this young Mom.
Sometimes we just have to look for some good in this terrible grief we're forced to live with.
I'm sending you many hugs.
Love, Cindy

Jo Ann · **Posted:** Mon Sep 24, 2007 5:01 pm

Dear ones,
Thank you for your support and kind words.

I feel like I died in every way except somehow my body did not die when Krystal died. Somehow, my heart kept beating, although my heart physically hurt so badly for about 20 months that my chest felt like it had been clawed open without any pain medicine and my physical heart was just lying there torn, bruised and with crushing pain so severe that each breath hurt.

My counselor kept advising me to go to a doctor to make sure I did not have a physical heart ailment. I did not have the energy to go see a physician and I even told my counselor that I hoped my heart would just burst open and kill me on the spot because I did not see how I was going to be able to endure living another moment in a world without Krystal alive and in it.

Around 20 months I noticed I had moments where my heart and chest did not physically hurt. Now I have episodes where that awful crushing physical pain envelops me, but it is not 24/7 like it was for 20 long months.

I am now finding that I somehow have survived Krystal's death about 44 months. Now one of my huge dilemas is how do I live without Krystal for the rest of my life and
WHY? I feel so broken that i wonder what worth my life has now. I felt like a whole person before Krystal died, now I feel like a lost, disoriented, anxiety-ridden, grieving person who is somehow emotionally just limping moment to moment. Each second I wonder what meaning does my life have now? Why go on?

Meeting that sweet , young, grieving Mom in the zoo gave me a glimmer of hope that perhaps my life can have meaning. Each morning I wake up and say a prayer that I am able somehow to bring some kindness, no matter, how small into this world. That is my reason for living that particular day.

I feel lost in a grief maze, and I miss the old Jo Ann, but she died with Krystal. I now try to live moment to moment and try to show kindness through the incredible pain that is now my REALITY. I have been told all the regular things about why I need to go on, but I swear that sometimes the pain is so overwhelming and I feel so broken that I do not see a reason to keep limping along. But along I limp, if not for any other reasons than I live to keep Krystal's memory alive and I live to try to in some small way bring
kindness into this world each day. I am hurting and in some kind of exisitential angst. I feel so lost. How can we as parents outlive our child(ren)?

I know those of you with children at home have very demanding reasons to continue to live for your children. They NEED you for their survival.Your grief is just as heavy and life-long, but you KNOW you must live for your living children. But what about those of us with no living child or no children at home that need us. I guess what I am asking is why should I continue on? Why? What is the point to all this pain???.. ??????????????????
Love to all,

Susan · **Posted:** Mon Sep 24, 2007 5:39 pm

Jo Ann,

I think that's my question too. What is the point, why do I have to stay here when I don't want to be. I don't know the answer, or if anyone knows the answer to that. But there is something inside me that says we must go on, we are now our children's voice, it is up to us to make sure they are not forgotten; it is our responsibility to be here and available to others who are going through the same pain. Still...one day at a time.

Love and hugs,
Susan

Cindy · **Posted:** Mon Sep 24, 2007 5:54 pm

Jo Ann, if for no other reason...I need you. We all do. We need each other and I/we love you.
Love, Cindy

Lynda · **Posted:** Mon Sep 24, 2007 11:03 pm

Dearest Jo Ann,
Susan and Cindy both said it so well. We are now our children's voice and WE NEED YOU! I couldn't imagine going through this without my Angel Families. I know at any given moment throughout my day, if I need to stop whatever I am doing and come to this pc to write to you ladies (and men), you will be there for me. If nothing else, to listen to me talk about my child. I haven't found this kind of support anywhere else, not even in my own real life. I NEED ALL OF YOU!!!!
I do have other children at home, and as much as I love them, they could never replace my longing for Garion. They each have their own place in my heart and life. Aside from them I also have my husband whom I need to continue making memories with. We never know when God is going to call us home, and since losing Garion I understand how important it is to leave these memories for our loved ones to continue on without us. Garion not only left us with so much, but he taught us so much too. Craig understands my WANT to be in heaven with Garion, but I understand his NEED for me, just like I NEED him.
This is the hardest thing anyone could possibly ever go through. It is a miracle any of us are still here (((HUGS)))
Hugs,
Lynda

Jo Ann · **Posted:** Tue Sep 25, 2007 12:39 am

Sweet Forum friends,

Thank you for listening and understanding. Dearest Lynda your words touched me:

I do have other children at home, and as much as I love them, they could never replace my longing for Garion. They each have their own place in my heart and life

Sweetie, i know that having other children can NEVER replace our longing for our child who died. I love all my girls, and no one can replace my longing for Krystal. No one! What I was trying to say is that my children are grown up and do not depend on me for SURVIVAL. So I can not get up in the morning and say to myself that I have to go on because my children NEED me for survival. I have to find some reason to keep limping along.

Susan your words touched me deeply.

I think that's my question too. What is the point, why do I have to stay here when I don't want to be. I don't know the answer, or if anyone knows the answer to that. But there is something inside me that says we must go on, we are now our children's voice, it is up to us to make sure they are not forgotten; it is our responsibility to be here and available to others who are going through the same pain. Still...one day at a time.

You said it all, Susan.

And Sweet Cindy, your words touched me

Jo Ann, if for no other reason...I need you. We all do. We need each other and I/we love you.

Thank you all for throwing me a life raft when I felt like I was drowning. I will go to sleep and if God wills i will wake up tomorrow and begin another day. I am trying...Krystal's death is the absolutely HARDEST thing I have ever had to survive. Sometimes I do not know if I will survive. I am not going to kill myself. I must admit that I thought about that a lot the first year. I made a contract with my counselor not to kill myself for 6 months. Then when the 6 months passed, I made a contract with her for another 6 months. It may sound ridiculous, but that contract was sacred to me, and I would not break it, no matter how much pain I was in.

My thinking was so clouded by grief that I felt that I was so broken and shattered and that my family would be better off without the"burden" of dealing with a devastated, broken person. I was so much in grief that my mind actually thought that if I killed myself, my family would grieve about 6 months, then they would be free of me and their lives would be better. Now I know this is totally irrational thinking, but it was my reality in my thinking during the first year after krystal died. I now know WHY a person would die of suicide - their thinking becomes upside down and they think that dying will end the pain and perhaps even be better for their family. Which is not the case, but my feelings and thoughts were my reality. I am not in that place anymore. For that I am grateful.

I love you all,

Cindy · **Posted:** Tue Sep 25, 2007 9:46 am

Jo Ann, you said that you suffered from pain in the heart everyday for the first 20 months or so. I did too for a long time after losing B.J. And like you it only comes occasionally now. Always around the 1st of the month, he died on the 1st. and when other major things trigger it like holidays, birthdays ect. I thought I was having a heart attack and didn't care. My doctor that had lost a son just 18 months before me assured me I was normal.
I don't think it's strange at all making a contract with your counselor. Sometimes that's what it takes. I didn't make a contract but I did promise my counselor and my oldest daughter that I would call them if ever I was to the point of ending my life. I had to keep my promise and what's kind of funny now is I just made that promise to get them to leave me alone but since I did promise I had to keep it. Then to top it all off...I didn't even want to call them because I knew they would talk me out of it so why bother. The Lord works in mysterious ways! He knew what it would take to make me survive and it worked.
I did try to find someone including my husband that would hire a hit man to finish me off but that didn't work either. This sounds terrible but I'm not joking and I wasn't then either. Thank God it's not still that way. Like you, the Lord has brought me out of that. So you see Jo Ann, nothing would surprise me...I've had to suffer through this too.
Together we're going to make it.
Love and prayers, Cindy

A Heart Touching Experience

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