Sweet Forum friends,
Thank you for listening and understanding. Dearest Lynda your words touched me:
I do have other children at home, and as much as I love them, they could never replace my longing for Garion. They each have their own place in my heart and life
Sweetie, i know that having other children can NEVER replace our longing for our child who died. I love all my girls, and no one can replace my longing for Krystal. No one! What I was trying to say is that my children are grown up and do not depend on me for SURVIVAL. So I can not get up in the morning and say to myself that I have to go on because my children NEED me for survival. I have to find some reason to keep limping along.
Susan your words touched me deeply.
I think that's my question too. What is the point, why do I have to stay here when I don't want to be. I don't know the answer, or if anyone knows the answer to that. But there is something inside me that says we must go on, we are now our children's voice, it is up to us to make sure they are not forgotten; it is our responsibility to be here and available to others who are going through the same pain. Still...one day at a time.
You said it all, Susan.
And Sweet Cindy, your words touched me
Jo Ann, if for no other reason...I need you. We all do. We need each other and I/we love you.
Thank you all for throwing me a life raft when I felt like I was drowning. I will go to sleep and if God wills i will wake up tomorrow and begin another day. I am trying...Krystal's death is the absolutely HARDEST thing I have ever had to survive. Sometimes I do not know if I will survive. I am not going to kill myself. I must admit that I thought about that a lot the first year. I made a contract with my counselor not to kill myself for 6 months. Then when the 6 months passed, I made a contract with her for another 6 months. It may sound ridiculous, but that contract was sacred to me, and I would not break it, no matter how much pain I was in.
My thinking was so clouded by grief that I felt that I was so broken and shattered and that my family would be better off without the"burden" of dealing with a devastated, broken person. I was so much in grief that my mind actually thought that if I killed myself, my family would grieve about 6 months, then they would be free of me and their lives would be better. Now I know this is totally irrational thinking, but it was my reality in my thinking during the first year after krystal died. I now know WHY a person would die of suicide - their thinking becomes upside down and they think that dying will end the pain and perhaps even be better for their family. Which is not the case, but my feelings and thoughts were my reality. I am not in that place anymore. For that I am grateful.
I love you all,
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