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Carla,
All of us will agree with you, it is too much to bear. It's more than the human mind can grasp. It's more than a mother's heart can endure.......... I've been where you are so many times and I really question my sanity. I'll have a day when I think I'm doing ok, I'm grieving, but I"m not crazy, and then sometimes that very same day, sometimes within an hour or so, I find myself shaking and crying and longing from the depths of my soul, for just one more hour, just one more minute with my son. I'm guilty of trying to bargain with God..........if he will just undo this horrible thing for me........... I will....... if he will just give me back my son......... I will............................
Then sometimes I get angry with God and accuse him of not listening to my prayers, of not caring about me.........of not even existing............. It's an anger, almost a rage, that sometimes comes with my grief. Even if I don't say these ugly thoughts out loud, sometimes they creep into my mind and I feel ashamed later.
My son has been gone eleven months and eleven days today. I have to say, I have made little, if any progress in my grief. He's in my heart and mind every minute of every day and if for a split second I forget.........I feel guilty.
My husband worries about me because I tremble, I shake so badly sometimes that he gets frightened. But, it comes from inner turmoil...........when a wave of grief hits me I feel myself slipping into an uncontrolled emotional state and I know......... I'm in for a horrible ride for a few hours. It's like a knife slicing through my heart. Sometimes I feel sick to my stomach, like I'm going to vomit.............
Yes, Carla...........we do understand.........more than we wish we did. We've all been where you are right now........... and it's not a controllable thing, we don't slip in and out of the horror at will.............sometimes it just appears and stays with us for a long time...
I'm so sorry for what you're feeling, you know we all are, and we would be there physically for you if we could, but we can't. We are here always, just a keyboard away, and we care more than words can say. We would all give anything to help you, and I do mean anything............. We want to send you peace, and comfort and love and let you know you're never alone in this nightmare. We're right here beside you, walking with you and holding you up.
We cry together, that should be our motto. We cry real tears for each other and we share our angels with each other. I wish, so very much, that we could be located closer. If we were, you'd have a house full of women comforting you, walking the floor with you, holding you, crying with you and holding you up when you stumble.
If you can,.... pretend that we're there, just close your eyes and imagine that we've just brewed a fresh pot of coffee, we're all sitting around on sofas, with our feet tucked under us and a huge box of tissues on the coffee table (we took our shoes off). Now, we're prepared to sit here with you until you, and each of us, feel like we can face the world for another hour, or day.
Sometimes we have to spend an entire weekend with each other......... sometimes we only need to spend one night........... just long enough so that you can stand upright and walk alone for a short distance. Because tomorrow night you might be needed at Tammy's house or at Lynda's house or my house to hold one of us up.
We cry together...... always. We share each others grief because it's too much to bear to do it alone. We care too much about our friends, our sisters and our angels to stand back and let anyone suffer alone.
That's why we're all here, day after day.............because we need you to be wth us and we need us to be with you, and we each, individually, desperately need each other.
We won't leave you until you're strong again. We send you love, prayers and hugs,
jane
_________________ Scott Matthew HIll - 2 years old
To lose a child teaches one what the word bereavement really means. There is no loss equal to the loss of a child.
“We are each of us angels with only one wing. And we can only fly embracing each other."
~Luciano De Crescenzo
www.scottmatthew-hill.last-memories.com
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I MISS YOU CHRIS
