Father's Loss Of Identity

Jo Ann · **Posted:** Tue Sep 25, 2007 4:50 pm

Thank you for posting this article about a father's grief. The article is eexcellent, but I differ with one small dtail in this quote:

[color=red]There will be a day when you can look at hunting pictures and say, â€œThatâ€™s my kid! He was great in the woods!â€

Lynda · **Posted:** Tue Sep 25, 2007 5:14 pm

Thank you Tammy for posting this. I am sure Craig will read it when he gets home (he works from 12:00pm-9:00pm, home by 9:45pm). I look forward to hearing what he has to say, and hopefully post.

Jo Ann, I agree with you 110% but I would like to add that I don't ever see this NOT being difficult for Craig and I imagine all fathers. For as long as Craig lives, the loss of his oldest son will be so difficult.

Garion was just as much a Daddy's boy as he was a Mommy's boy. Craig and Garion had their own special times together, even secrets (ask Craig about them sneeking snacks TOGETHER behind Mommy's back!) Unfortunate for Craig, Garion wasn't good at hiding things from Mommy

I love these topics! They bring me down memory lane and help me to think about things I haven't thought about for a long time...more importantly, share them!

Hugs,
Lynda

Craig · **Posted:** Tue Sep 25, 2007 10:18 pm

Thanks for posting that article. People expect men to be tough and reticent. Growing up I can't remember seeing my Dad show much emotion over anything. Even when Mom died. I was the same way. I attempted to bury my pain so I could be strong for Lynda and the kids. I tried to carry all of them on my shoulders. It took almost a year to the day. I really thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown. I had to give up a promotion that I had fought for, and go back to working outside again. Plus I started taking medication. I was the cub master for Garion's pack. I really enjoyed that whole expierence. Garion's den leader wanted me to come back with Rylon this year. Even if Rylon wanted to do Scouts I still do not know if I would be able to participate. So much of that article is true. I am a phone man, but I am also a husband and a father. But I was a Father first. I was so lost after Garion's accident. I think that is part of why I fought for that promotion. I was looking for a way to prove that I still had value in life. I think it hard for most men to grieve openly and honestly for alot of reasons. Mostly we don't want to appear weak. We are supposed to be the ones that support our families. So we just push through everything and do what has to be done. Thinking I will deal with me later. But it always catches up when you least expect it. I think I rambled a bit, but it has been a long day. I am tired tonight.

Yeah I tried to sneak snacks with Garion. I would tell him don't tell Mommy, but as soon as we would get home he would be like "I've got a secret" and then would rat me out in minutes. I still do it with Calyn and Rylon too.

Love,
Craig

Cindy · **Posted:** Tue Sep 25, 2007 10:38 pm

Craig, thank you for sharing your heart and feelings with us. You're one special Daddy. Your kids are blessed.
In my opinion it is a real man that cries, even Jesus wept when his friend Lazarus died. This world needs to look at the grieving men in a whole new way and allow them to grieve how they need to. It is life that teaches men that they are suppose to be strong. It shouldn't be that way.
Lifting you in prayer, Cindy

Jo Ann · **Posted:** Tue Sep 25, 2007 10:39 pm

Dear Craig,
Our culture in American is death denying, and then add to it the cultural conditioning American boys have placed on their shoulders - to be strong, do not show emotion, be the one who "fixes" everything. No wonder most American men do exactly what you tried to do - bury your pain so you could be strong for Lynda and your children. You said that almost a year to the day you felt like you were having a nervous breakdown. As painful as that was and is for you, and as painful to give up the promotion that you had worked so hard to achieve, and to admit that medication may be a tool to help you function with your grief, Craig you are one of the more enlightened men. Many American men bury their grief so deep that it does not surface for years or even decades. That burying of grief can cause all kinds of health problems. To face you grief at one year took a lot of courage for you to do.

I have heard people actually go up to a grieving father and ask him how his wife and living children are doing! No one asked him how HE was doing. So father's can become the forgotten, invisible grievers.

In many other cultures, when a death occurs the men openly express their grief by crying, wailing and sometimes even tearing their clothes to symbolize how their family fabric has been torn apart. I wish American was not so death denying.

Craig, you are not weak to feel your grief. It is just the opposite. To show your grief takes courage, especially in our culture.

I can understand why going back to cubs would be heart wrenching for you. Is there something else that you and Rylon could do as father and son that would give you special guy time together, without putting yourself in a situation that is so painful because of the memories you have being there with Garion?

Most sincerely,

Lynda · **Posted:** Wed Sep 26, 2007 8:17 am

You ladies are so kind and so understanding of my husband and his grief. I am so thankful to you all, as this has led Craig and I into much needed conversations. These conversations help both him and I understand each other even more as we travel this journey together. I have mentioned before that we have had to relearn each other after losing our precious Garion, because we are not the same people that married 12 1/2 years ago. These forums have helped aid us in this process and so have each of you. Thank you!!!! I wish it didn't take this happening to a family for people to understand that Dads hurt too. I wish the world could see things through all of our eyes...Dads would be allowed to show feelings, Moms would be understood better, and time with children would not be taken for granted.
I love you all!
Hugs,
Lynda

katpohl · **Joined:** Thu Sep 06, 2007 3:44 am **Posts:** 22

It's a strong man that can and will share his feelings with those he loves.

It is kinda funny in a non funny way when a man tends to be shut off away from his loved ones and refuses to show or share his feelings because he thinks he has to be strong and be there for those that he provides for. Can you hear the oxymoron
in this statement ? Kudos to the both of you for working thur your grief together
your children are blessed to have you as parents.

XXXX (((((((((((hugs)))))))))))

Father's Loss Of Identity

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