Topic Of The Day/"When Nothing Feels Right"

Jo* · **Posted:** Wed Sep 26, 2007 11:59 am

Tammy.....Thanks for posting this.

Nothing in my life feels right either, and it won't ever again.

Being in the grocery store can cause a panic attack/crying fit at a moments notice. Hearing a song on the radio while driving can cause me to pull over because I find myself hysterical.

I have to take a sleeping pill every night because the visions of my Kevin being taken off the ambulance and the emt's performing cpr on him are more than I can bear.

The list goes on and on about how "everything" has changed, too long a list to ever write about here.

I am 2 years, 2 months and 2 weeks into this journey of grief, and I feel a little bit of strength leave me everyday. I am ready whenever God calls me home.

Again Tammy, thanks for posting this, and thanks for letting me share my pain.

Love & hugs,
Jo (Kevin's Mom forever & ever)

LOVE ENDURES FOREVER

Barbara · **Posted:** Wed Sep 26, 2007 12:21 pm

Tammy,
Nothing in my life feels right either,I do go to the grocery store but not as much as I used to I can't even look at pop tarts with out crying,Michael loved pop tarts,when ever I would ask him what he wanted from the store he would always say "Don't forget my pop tarts".
Wal-Mart,i usely don't go around the bicycles much,One of my last memories was being at Wal-mart buying a bicycle for his little brother for Christmas and Michael was riding this little bike all over the store honking this little horn.
I totally don't go to Atwoods,a farm and ranch store where Michael worked after school.

And no eating dinner isn't the same looking at his empty chair across from me or like you watching tv tv without him is different.But I guess things will never be the same.
I could go on and on but i'll stop here.Thanks for posting this and sharing.
HUGS,
Barbara

Barbara · **Posted:** Wed Sep 26, 2007 12:52 pm

Tammy,
Now I'm in tears.I lve the graphic and I can see them now to eating pop tarts and lets not forget PIZZA,
HUGS,Barbara

Cindy · **Posted:** Wed Sep 26, 2007 3:18 pm

OK Barbara and Tammy, I want in on this too. I'll supply the goods but we have to have one of B.J.'s favorites too..."Dr. Pepper". Hey gotta have something to wash all those pop-tarts and pizzas down with!
Love yall, Cindy

B.J. liked his in the bottle best!

Jo Ann · **Posted:** Wed Sep 26, 2007 4:13 pm

I agree it would be wonderful if we could take a trip to where our children are and visit them. I would never want to leave. I would have to be pulled kicking and screaming away from Krystal. I could never let go of her.
Tammy, when you shared about sitting outside the funeral home because you could not leave Angelica alone, I started sobbing. I totally understand. When Krystal died, Joe, her husband was her "next of kin". Now he was in a comma for almost a month and could not sign the release papers to have Krystal's body released from the Jacksonville Morgue. I was horrified that my Krystal's body had to lie in that awful city morgue and not be released to the funeral home. God, just writing this is bringing on a panic attack. But I want to share this, so I will do my best. Oh, my chest hurts so badly! Florida law would not let me or Krystal's dad sign the papers to have her body released, because Joe was still alive. Incapacitated, but alive. Around one month, Joe opened his eyes and my husband Don went to the hospital and held Joe's hand and basically signed the paper using Joe's hand as an instrument. I was releived to finally have her body released, but since she had been dead a month, no one was able to see her again.

However, during that month her body was in that awful morgue, I would wake up screaming. I would even wait til I thought Don was asleep and try to quietly leave the house and run to the morgue to get Krystal out. Never mind that the jacksonville Morgue was 35 miles from our house. I had to get my baby out of there. No matter that by law I could not go into the morgue to see her. I was crazy with grief and wanted to get my child out of the morgue.

I must stop now, my heart is about to burst.

Cindy · **Posted:** Wed Sep 26, 2007 5:20 pm

Oh Jo Ann, I'm so sorry. That must have been just awful for you. I know it took all you had in you to even share it with us. I'm lifting you in prayer even now.
(((Hugs))) Cindy

Barbara · **Posted:** Wed Sep 26, 2007 6:25 pm

JoAnn,
I'm so sorry I know that was hard for you to have to go through.I can't even talk about Michaels accident yet maybe soon.
I lov you and you will be in my prayers.
Barbara

Cindy, Dr pepper just happened to be Michaels favorite drink too.

JANE_E · **Posted:** Wed Sep 26, 2007 9:11 pm

As I read all the posts on this issue I started just sobbing.......... memories are still so raw and so painful.

The night Scott died, 7:20 pm on a Friday night, October 20, 2006.......... we had to leave him there in the hospital until we could make arrangements for the funeral home to pick him up. I couldn't leave him there. I clung to his hand and begged them to let me stay. They told me to take all the time I wanted but they had to move him into a cool room before morning. Things start happening to the body pretty fast.......... I put my hands over my ears and just screamed..... "don't tell me that, don't even say it!" I could not stand on my legs........they wouldn't hold me up. My knees kept buckling. The nurse came in to clean him up because he was bleeding from every opening just before he died. Once his heart stopped, the bleeding stopped but his bedding was bloody. She was very gentle with him but I wanted to wash his face myself. I was saying the act of contrition over and over "Oh my God, I'm heartily sorry for having offended thee, and I detest all my sins ......................" I don't' know why but I felt this was a punishment to me directly. I could not breathe.......the nurse kept asking me if I wanted to see a doctor but I didn't.

Frank wanted me to leave and come home, he didn't want me to see them put his body into a bag to be stored........... and I guess I couldn't bear it either. I still can't.

Of all things...... I was taking a shower a couple days ago and I had the most vivid flashback of the blood pouring out of him and I couldn't stop the images from filling my mind and I couldn't stop crying. I've been reliving so much of that the past few days and trying so hard to put it out of my mind. I'd almost gotten to the point where I only occasionally need an anti anxiety pill........... but the past few days I've had to start again. I hate those images.

Scott has tried to help me and bring me comfort and he has been able to do that.......it's my own mind that won't leave me alone. It refuses any peace I try to find.

When I saw him in the funeral home it didn't look anything like him. I held his hand and it was like holding a piece of cold clay.................. he wasn't there anymore.

How do we erase those memories? How do we "go on" with memories like those in our minds?

Why should we go on............... for what? Once I start crying, I'm in it for the entire evening unless I go take another anti anxiety pill ......... when Scott was in the process of passing I'd take them 5 or 6 at a time..........and still be upright and wide awake. They barely took the edge off of my panic and my grief. I was wild with grief.

No-one should ever go through this............not ever, not for any reason at all. NOTHING HURTS LIKE THE LOSS OF A CHILD! There is no pain on earth, physical, emotional or mental that can hurt like this pain. This has been a challenge to my sanity, to my life and to my future. I wanted to die and actually contemplated it at times. It was some of you who helped me on the other forum. I don't have any children at home, so I felt I could just go with him.

That's why I wanted so much for the other forum to be ok for those mothers. I can't bear for them to be cut adrift without the love and support. If it could be ok I could steer clear totally, but the garbage keeps happening until they're afraid to say anything.

Once I had time to think, to observe the grief the rest of the family was going through, I realized........... I could not do that to my other children, my husband, my grandchildren, not even to my pets. I knew that right was not mine. This life that God gave to me is his, and it's his decision when it will end.

So, I'm here, hurting, crying and praying but I'm still alive........... or at least I'm still existing, waiting to go be with my son again.

Love,
jane

Jo Ann · **Posted:** Wed Sep 26, 2007 11:27 pm

Yes, Lynda I have had times when my heart was so full of pain and I felt so sick to my stomach that I did not have the energy to write or talk. I am a "crier" and since Krystal died there have been times when I literally cried so many tears that actual puddles of tears were on the table or floor. In public places I have ran into the ladies Restroom, and literally cried and created a large puddle of tears on the floor. I do not see how I didn't get dehydrated. I know that may sound silly, but it is true. I never knew the human body was capable of producing so many tears.
Lynda,Jayne, Cindy, Barbara, Tammy, Jo and Jane thank you all for you love and kind words. Thank you for opening up your hearts to my pain and for sharing your pain with us. By hearing your honest feelings, I feel that I am not alone. I am grateful to this forum and the wonderful people who are our forum family. We feel like family, although we have only been on this forum for a short time. But then love is not measured in time or distance.
With love and gratitude,

Barbara · **Posted:** Thu Sep 27, 2007 12:24 pm

Lynda,
I know what you are feeling,I have all these words in my head that I want to say but nothing comes out.but the tears and heartache.
You will always be in my thoughts and prayers,
HUGS,
Barbara

Tonya · **Posted:** Thu Sep 27, 2007 1:16 pm

I have read every ones replies to this topic and am heartbroken. I wish that I was there so each of you could cry on my shoulder. You wonderful, loving, caring ladies had so much time with your precious children....your grief, heartache and pain is so understandable. Where as I only had 1 hour and 15 minutes with my boys; how is it that I can justify feeling the same way? I sometimes feel as though what I went through doesn't even hold a candle to everything that all of you have endured. I picture my life then...so many dreams of what I had hoped the boys would become, what my life was going to be like with them in it. Now, all I have is the memories of those dreams and hopes. I just don't understand...not at all. Next month will be 6 years, and it feels as though it was only yesterday. How can that be? How can it be that I have such heartbreak and pain over something that happened that long ago, with children that I didn't get to spend a long time with?

Ugh...I hate when this happens. Sometimes I just don't know what to say, and then the next time everything seems to come out all at once. I apologize for babbling.

I love you all and I am praying for each and everyone of you.

Tonya · **Posted:** Thu Sep 27, 2007 4:00 pm

Thank you so much for your very kind words. I love you all so much.

Barbara · **Posted:** Fri Sep 28, 2007 11:10 am

Debi,
I'm so sorry.I know its all so very hard and nothing will ever be the same. Michael to loved Rascal Flatts,Kenny Chesney and all other country music,like Tammy I smile when I think their all up there in Heavin shing down on us and don't forget they are probably all EATING PIZZA. POP-TARTS,DRINKING DR. PEPPER AND LISTENING TO COUNTRY MUSIC.
Love and Hugs,
Barbara

katpohl · **Joined:** Thu Sep 06, 2007 3:44 am **Posts:** 22

I'm gonna take this one mom at a time cuz Joanns ordeal has me really feeling some not so happy feelings,,,
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I can not imagine the many intense and oh so angry emotions you must have experienced during that month of pure Hell , its totally amazing the way some 'officials' act or behave at times,, are these people (monsters) we 'elect' that pass laws totally heartless or just plain ignorant ? for them to make the "NORMAL" PAIN a parent trying to deal with the death of a child weather an infant or an adult so much more intense in the name of the law should be punishable by being tied to a long slow spit turning over a slow burning BBQ grill for the same amount of time you had to wait for them to release your daughters remains,,,
(((((((((((Joann))))))))))

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Barbara and Tammy,
make room at that gathering of pizza post toasties and dr pepper for Verna and her Chocoholic habit,,, breakfast, lunch ,supper, snacks if you was to look up the word chocoholic in a dictionary there would be Verna Mae Lewis for definition,,talk about the 'head games' we humans play on our selves,,, for 6 months after she passed I ate chocolate by the pound thinking Hersey would go bankrupt now,,,LOL..
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxTammy those thoughts and feelings of embracing death is so a part of my life now that
it seems like you were inside my head reading out loud,,
if you try to talk about this subject to family or friends do they act like your suicidal ?
and the more you try explain that your just waiting for the day you pass over to be where you can enjoy your child's company again not thinking of taking your life the more you get un needed advice or worse , empty words coming from a mouth that is attached to a clueless person?

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Jane _E,
I had never touched an embalmed remains before. And you described it perfect,, a cold ,,very cold piece of clay,, I refused to allow them to make Verna look like they make loved ones look like,, ( FYI,, $2500.00 for the make up and $1500.00 for the hair )
While fixing her hair and make up I thought I could 'commune' with Verna and try to get a grip on this totally not understanding the reason ,,, but you know what ? She was not there in that empty shell or vessel ,, it came as a small comfort that the remains I was 'decorating' was not my girl,, she had left ,, these remains were no longer needed,
they had been 'left behind what ever it is that makes a human a person was already gone onto the next step of her journey where ever that may be,, the small comfort came because I realized that I did'nt have to 'see' her to feel her or remember her
that made that act of burying her easier to handel,

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX ((((((((((((HUGS)))))))) to All

P.S. thanks for the candel ,,,

Topic Of The Day/"When Nothing Feels Right"

Who is online