|
I post this here because my niece, Laura, was more of a daughter to me than anything. I helped my parents raise her. Anyway, she was killed (with 2 of her friends) in a car accident on March 21, 2007. It did not take me long to be at peace with her death; I don't see death as some great and horrible thing, it is just another transition. I miss her greatly, and am still saddened by losing her, but I accept that she is dead and feel ok with that. It is dealing with the aftermath that is driving me insane. The particulars of the accident, the investigation and of course the family issues are really insane, it seems. All of this is really weighing in on me hard and heavy. The trial against the boy who was driving will start soon (supposedly) he goes up to the grand jury in November. It seems that the closer it gets to this time, the more burdened I feel.September 21 marked the 6 month anniversary, and it was such a hard day for me. Halloween is approaching and it is hard as well; Halloween is our favorite day of the year. We always have a huge party and it is so hard for me trying to plan for this year knowing that she won't be there physically. I just feel very lost right now. I have very little to no motivation for anything these days, and it seems to be getting worse as time goes by. I write my thoughts out, and it helps some. I have tried talking with friends/family, but everyone has an opinion about things and their own ideas; I feel like they aren't hearing me or something. Anyway, talking about this with them doesn't seem to help, so I try to keep most of my thoughts to myself these days. Everyone in the town where it happened are of course throwing blame around on whose fault is it really. Legally, the boy who was driving is at fault and I do blame him for the poor choices he made with his driving. I realize that he didn't intend on having the accident or killing the his friends. I blame my niece for making the choice to let him drive the car and doing exactly what I had told her not to do. I blame myself for getting her the car, for trusting her with it. But at the same time, I had no reason not to trust her and felt that she deserved to have a car to drive. I blame her "mother" (my "sister) for telling her it was ok to drive (she only had a learner's permit) and I blame my parents for going along with her and everyone for not telling me she was doing this. Of course, everyone here has their own opinions of what should happen to this boy. I do think that he should be held responsible and punished for his poor choices. But I honestly have no idea what that punishment really should be and I am sick of people asking me. Then of course are those who say he has suffered enough. On the one hand, I realize he has to live with what he did, but at the same time it seems as if he doesn't care. I mean he has not bothered to apologize or admit that he did anything wrong. For me, at least, that would go a long way, especially if I thought he was being sincere. He did issue an apology recently for some other crimes he had committed prior to the accident, but nothing about the accident. That to me seems very cold and unfeeling, as if he doesn't care. However, contrary to how most people feel, I do not hold anything against his family for this...I feel that they had no control over this either. What I do envy of them is the fact that no matter what happens to this boy, they will have him here. They can visit him, hold him, exchange letters, phone calls, etc with him. He will be there with them for holidays, birthdays and special times. Laura will not. The sisters that were in the car and died with her will not be there for their parents either. The family drama and strain that this has caused is just immeasurable. I haven't spoken to my niece's "mother" in months (we have always had issues, and I have not considered her my "sister" for years now) and Laura's death and her reaction has really deepened the disgust and severe dislike/hate I feel for her. My feeling towards Laura's "father" have not really changed, I have never liked him either. I have no use for someone who throws their kids away. I feel differently about my parents as well since finding out how they lied to me about her driving. I am also terribly bothered that Laura's "parent" are the ones receiving the benefits of her death...to me all of that should go to my parents for having raised and loved her, especially the benefits of my insurance. I am also bothered by the fact that the boy who was driving has received benefits as well. I know I can't change any of that, I have no control over that. I am trying to figure out how to effectively deal with all of this anger, hatred, frustration, and depression that I feel. As I said, I have very little to no motivation, no interest in any of the things I used to enjoy. It is really taking a toll on my home life and my relationships with my son and my boyfriend. I am getting tired of all of this and want to do something to change it. How do I get motivated again? How do I find interest again?
|
