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| Dealing with the aftermath http://forum.last-memories.com/viewtopic.php?f=13&t=601 |
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| Author: | MadameApothecary [ Wed Oct 03, 2007 9:52 am ] |
| Post subject: | Dealing with the aftermath |
I post this here because my niece, Laura, was more of a daughter to me than anything. I helped my parents raise her. Anyway, she was killed (with 2 of her friends) in a car accident on March 21, 2007. It did not take me long to be at peace with her death; I don't see death as some great and horrible thing, it is just another transition. I miss her greatly, and am still saddened by losing her, but I accept that she is dead and feel ok with that. It is dealing with the aftermath that is driving me insane. The particulars of the accident, the investigation and of course the family issues are really insane, it seems. All of this is really weighing in on me hard and heavy. The trial against the boy who was driving will start soon (supposedly) he goes up to the grand jury in November. It seems that the closer it gets to this time, the more burdened I feel.September 21 marked the 6 month anniversary, and it was such a hard day for me. Halloween is approaching and it is hard as well; Halloween is our favorite day of the year. We always have a huge party and it is so hard for me trying to plan for this year knowing that she won't be there physically. I just feel very lost right now. I have very little to no motivation for anything these days, and it seems to be getting worse as time goes by. I write my thoughts out, and it helps some. I have tried talking with friends/family, but everyone has an opinion about things and their own ideas; I feel like they aren't hearing me or something. Anyway, talking about this with them doesn't seem to help, so I try to keep most of my thoughts to myself these days. Everyone in the town where it happened are of course throwing blame around on whose fault is it really. Legally, the boy who was driving is at fault and I do blame him for the poor choices he made with his driving. I realize that he didn't intend on having the accident or killing the his friends. I blame my niece for making the choice to let him drive the car and doing exactly what I had told her not to do. I blame myself for getting her the car, for trusting her with it. But at the same time, I had no reason not to trust her and felt that she deserved to have a car to drive. I blame her "mother" (my "sister) for telling her it was ok to drive (she only had a learner's permit) and I blame my parents for going along with her and everyone for not telling me she was doing this. Of course, everyone here has their own opinions of what should happen to this boy. I do think that he should be held responsible and punished for his poor choices. But I honestly have no idea what that punishment really should be and I am sick of people asking me. Then of course are those who say he has suffered enough. On the one hand, I realize he has to live with what he did, but at the same time it seems as if he doesn't care. I mean he has not bothered to apologize or admit that he did anything wrong. For me, at least, that would go a long way, especially if I thought he was being sincere. He did issue an apology recently for some other crimes he had committed prior to the accident, but nothing about the accident. That to me seems very cold and unfeeling, as if he doesn't care. However, contrary to how most people feel, I do not hold anything against his family for this...I feel that they had no control over this either. What I do envy of them is the fact that no matter what happens to this boy, they will have him here. They can visit him, hold him, exchange letters, phone calls, etc with him. He will be there with them for holidays, birthdays and special times. Laura will not. The sisters that were in the car and died with her will not be there for their parents either. The family drama and strain that this has caused is just immeasurable. I haven't spoken to my niece's "mother" in months (we have always had issues, and I have not considered her my "sister" for years now) and Laura's death and her reaction has really deepened the disgust and severe dislike/hate I feel for her. My feeling towards Laura's "father" have not really changed, I have never liked him either. I have no use for someone who throws their kids away. I feel differently about my parents as well since finding out how they lied to me about her driving. I am also terribly bothered that Laura's "parent" are the ones receiving the benefits of her death...to me all of that should go to my parents for having raised and loved her, especially the benefits of my insurance. I am also bothered by the fact that the boy who was driving has received benefits as well. I know I can't change any of that, I have no control over that. I am trying to figure out how to effectively deal with all of this anger, hatred, frustration, and depression that I feel. As I said, I have very little to no motivation, no interest in any of the things I used to enjoy. It is really taking a toll on my home life and my relationships with my son and my boyfriend. I am getting tired of all of this and want to do something to change it. How do I get motivated again? How do I find interest again? |
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| Author: | Tonya [ Wed Oct 03, 2007 10:08 am ] |
| Post subject: | |
Welcome, and thank you for sharing your story with us. Please know that you can come here anything and talk with any of us. We will always be here for you. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. Sending you many gentle (((hugs)))..... |
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| Author: | Lynda [ Wed Oct 03, 2007 10:22 am ] |
| Post subject: | |
Welcome to the most supporting group of ladies and men that I have ever found since being a bereaved parent. This is a group none of us want to be a member of, but would be so lost without each other. I am so sorry to read about the loss of your niece. It seems as though you and her were much more than niece and aunt, and the loss has affected you greatly. I couldn't imagine court hearings, divided family, divided community, etc on top of the intense amount of grief. My heart reaches out to you. We all have so many of the same questions, but really no answers...but that is ok, as we have learned we are not alone. I think that was the scariest part for me (other than losing my son) is feeling alone. Please come here as often as you need to open up and talk about your pain. Talking and sharing seems to be the best medicine, not that we have an illness, but we do have a lot of pain. You will find that we cry together, smile together, and have even laughed together. Something we aren't able to do with just anybody. We welcome you into our heart and into our lives. I look forward to learning more about you and your dear Angel Laura. Hugs, Lynda |
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| Author: | Tanya [ Wed Oct 03, 2007 11:14 am ] |
| Post subject: | |
Thank you for sharing your story and welcome to the forum. This is the best group of gals and guys and we hope you feel comfortable sharing your loss with us. I am sorry to hear of your niece and deeply saddened that is how you have come to find us, through the loss of your loved one. Please know we are not here to judge as we are dealing with a tremendous about of grief ourselves. We are here for one another and you are welcomed with open loving arms. God Bless |
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| Author: | JANE_E [ Wed Oct 03, 2007 1:30 pm ] |
| Post subject: | |
We're all so terribly sorry. Coming from anyone other than this group, those words sometimes seem like a mumbled escape verse.......... a "I don't know what to say" thing............. BUT NOT HERE. When we say "I'm so sorry" we say an entire volume of things because we know. We know the pain, the anger, the sleepless nights, the what ifs, the if I had only and all the WHYS. Why did she, why did he, why did they........ We have experienced all of those also. Collectively we've cried an entire new ocean and we've only just begun. Your niece is a beautiful young girl and I believe as you apparently do..... her body is gone, but her spirit remains. But that doesn't stop the agony of her loss, the anger for her loss and the confusion. I'm so sorry. You have a lot on your plate right now. It's a nightmare getting through the legalities, all the paperwork, the burial issues and decisions, the family conflicts, the insurance issues, the separation from family just when you need it the most. Please come here often, we've opened our hearts totally to each other and hold nothing back. This is, for some of us, the only safe place we have to spill out the pain, the frustration, the anger that strips us of any peace in our lives. With a very heavy heart for your suffering, we welcome you into our group and we offer to share whatever we have with you. We'll cry with you and for you. We do that daily for each other. If there's anything that we can do, please bring it here, we'll share your pain as best we can across the many miles............. I'm so terribly sorry. I can tell by every word you write that this is a time of absolute agony and lonliness for you. I don't know how much we can help you, but we're certainly here to make that effort. Love, hugs, prayers, jane |
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| Author: | MadameApothecary [ Wed Oct 03, 2007 7:02 pm ] |
| Post subject: | |
Thank you all for your words and most importantly your understanding. Also thanks Tonya and Tammy for the candles. Another thing that I question is whether or not Laura knew her time was coming to an end. Back in December of 2006, our grandmother died. At her services and for a while afterward, Laura and I talked at great length about death and what we each expected when we died (type of service, words to share, how certain individuals would act, etc.). That is one of the reasons I felt I had to officiate her memorial service. We had previously agreed that my first ceremony as a clergy person would be her wedding, and since that has been taken away, it only seemed fitting to do her memorial. That, and the fact that I knew she did not want some preacher talking about her who didn't know her, and neither did I. That was one of the hardest things I've done, but at the same time, writing out her memorial was very therapeutic for me. Delivering the service was a huge relief to me. I have not slept as well as I did the night before the service since that time. Anyway, the conversations that we had do make me wonder if she knew her death was coming soon. I have heard that some people know when their time is approaching, and working with geriatrics I have seen this a great many times. But also with geriatrics you generally are dealing with people who are chronically ill and it seems different with someone who is young and in good health. Actually it was while searching online for memorial planning information that I found the last memories website; I set up her site that night. I am certainly glad I found this site and this forum. |
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| Author: | Cece [ Wed Oct 03, 2007 7:17 pm ] |
| Post subject: | |
Welcome to this forum. I am so sorry for your loss. Your Laura is only a little older than my youngest, Megan. The pain is great and going through all the court stuff is wearying. |
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| Author: | Lynda [ Wed Oct 03, 2007 7:27 pm ] |
| Post subject: | |
You bring up a good question...did our angels know their time was about to come to an end here on this earth???? I have wondered this myself. But when I think back on Garion and seeing his face 4 seconds before the accident, I can't help but think that he had no idea he was about to come face to face with his savior. I had no idea either, or I would have shouted NNNOOO!!!!!!!! There was no ray of light, no weird feeling, no glow, nothing prior to THE MOMENT. When I saw my son 4 seconds later,he looked like he was sleeping, in a fetal position. A few days later, my family and I were having breakfast at the diner Garion ate at a few mornings prior and an older man (he was like 80 years old, I didn't know him nor did he know us...we were on vacation and 13 hours from home) came up to Craig and I and out of the blue he told us "we don't always know what is ahead of us". I have to believe that Garion did not know, because I am afraid he would have been scared. I wonder what others have to say about this??? What was everyone elses experiance??? Hugs, Lynda |
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| Author: | Barbara [ Wed Oct 03, 2007 7:30 pm ] |
| Post subject: | |
Welcome to our forum.I'm so sorry about the loss of your niece Laura.Just know we all are here for you anytime.You will always be in my prayers. Sending HUGS, Barbara |
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| Author: | Jo Ann [ Wed Oct 03, 2007 8:43 pm ] |
| Post subject: | |
Welcome to our forum. I am so sorry for your loss of your niece Laura. Lynda, the question you asked You bring up a good question...did our angels know their time was about to come to an end here on this earth???? is excellent. Tammy and Lynda could we please have it for our next topic of the day? I have so much I would like to share and I would love to hear my fellow forum friends feelings and expereinces. Love, |
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| Author: | Lynda [ Thu Oct 04, 2007 9:26 am ] |
| Post subject: | |
Thank you Jo Ann! This was a great idea to use for a topic/discussion. I have it up there now and look forward to what everyone else has to share. Hugs, Lynda |
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