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My gosh,
I love getting the responses and reading all of them........ it lets us get closer to understanding everybody.
It's amazing, no matter the circumstances of the loss, it seems we've mosty experienced the same life altering changes. We've all began a journey into a new person and we know we're not there yet..........and may never truly be "there"..... but we're on our way....... and yes, we're traveling together.
It truly is heart warming that we can share so much of ourselves, and actually - in doing do, force ourselves to think about what's happened to us.
I too was very outgoing........loved people, always laughing, pretty much the life of the party at times. My friends enjoyed my company, my family always wanted me to help organize things and I got along very well at work.........with everyone.
I still have a fondness for those people, but somehow I don't want to participate much anymore. I'm not the life of the party anymore. My zest for life has left me........ and when I stare into a mirror sometimes I don't know the person who looks back at me. I've aged and there's a sadness and bleakness in my eyes.
I keep my hair fairly short so I can get away without doing the blow dry routine every day but make up is something I seldom put on. I don't seem to care anymore. It can take me two or three days to get all the beds changed and the rooms vacuumed. I will leave the carpet shampooer and vaccum cleaner sitting in the middlle of a room for days. I've always got a load in the washer and one in the dryer and my dishwasher is always full. I don't seem to care much about things like that anymore.
I too have gained 22 pounds, but don't seem to care. Don't ask me why, It just doesn't seem to matter much to me anymore. I wear jeans and a shirt every day. My dress up clothes don't fit anymore. I've got two HUGE black garbage bags full of things to take to the goodwill that are too small now.
At first I quit eating and lost about ten pounds, but now....I don't seem to care what I eat and don't eat healthy except when the grandkids are here. So, I've gained weight, I'm only 5 foot 2 inches tall so 22 pounds really shows up on me.
My desk is piled high with paperwork.........needing to be filed away and I sit here on the forum, or answering email for hours.
My motivation to keep busy has evaporated. Things aren't so important to me now.
But, I see that I'm not alone. One of my best friends keeps telling me that she misses me. I told her she sees me once a week or so, and she said, no......... I mean the real you. I told her I'm sorry, but she's gone....... parts of her may return, but the essence of who I was is buried out at Memorial Park Cemetery.
She understands, but says she still misses the person I was. Sometimes so do I.
Thank you all for opening up and being so very honest about yourself.
love, hugs, prayers,
jane
_________________ Scott Matthew HIll - 2 years old
To lose a child teaches one what the word bereavement really means. There is no loss equal to the loss of a child.
“We are each of us angels with only one wing. And we can only fly embracing each other."
~Luciano De Crescenzo
www.scottmatthew-hill.last-memories.com
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