ALONE

momma to3 boys · **Joined:** Fri Aug 31, 2007 2:34 pm **Posts:** 171

I HAVE NEVER FELT SO ALONE SINCE CHRIS WENT TO HEAVEN,EVEN WHEN MY HOUSE IS FULL I STILL FILL THE EMPTINESS.I MISS CHRIS SO MUCH.I WONDER WHAT HE WOULD SAY OR BE DOING .I SPENT THE DAY WITH MY SON MATT THE OTHER DAY,I USED TO SET ASIDE A DAY FOR EACH SON,AND WE WOULD SPEND THE ENTIRE DAY JUST HANGING OUT,EATING SHOPPING .I HAD A NICE TIME BUT MY HEART ACHED SO MUCH BECAUSE IT WAS CHRIS,S TURN.AND HE DIDNT GET TO HAVE IT.CHRIS AND I ALWAYS WENT TO PET SMART AND THE MALL.HE LOVED THE SAME THINGS I DO.MATT WAS GREAT,I COULD TELL HE WAS HURTING TOO.I WANT TO BE THE MOM I WAS ,BUT HOW CAN I.IM IN STUNNED MODE SO MUCH.I CANT WATCH COPS ON TV WITH MY SON JAKE ANYMORE ,I GET SO PANICED BECAUSE OF WHAT HAPPENED TO CHRIS,SEEING THAT HURTS SO MUCH.IM SORRY HERE I AM AGAIN VENTING.I KNOW YOU LADIES ALL UNDERSTAND.

Cindy · **Posted:** Fri Oct 05, 2007 10:05 pm

Oh Carla, I know and I'm so sorry. It's so hard when we don't have our child with us anymore. We miss everything about them and then some. It's completely normal for you to feel the way you do when spending time with your other sons. You just do the best you can. You may feel like you're not being a good Mom to them but you are. They see you trying but they also see you hurting. Chris was such a big part of your life and he still is.
I have finally came to understand that our other children will be ok in the long run. If they were to see us just bounce back as if nothing was wrong it would cause a lot of confusion. Then as their life went on and if something else bad were to cross their path and probably will because that's the way life is, they would think I'm suppose to bounce back quickly even if it wasn't possible. And then when they couldn't they would think that they have somehow failed at life when they hadn't. Do you know what I'm saying? We have to feel what we feel and live what we feel until much time has brought about healing.
You are still the same Mom you were that loves her boys. You're just hurting so much right now and you have every reason to. You just keep doing what your doing and with time life will get a little more gentle and you will be able to enjoy the time spent with your boys the way you want to. It just takes much time Carla, much time. Be gentle with yourself, this can't be rushed.
And if there are things like watching cops that you can't handle right now, just don't do it. There are no right or wrong ways to do things. Only your way, when and what you can.
You can come here any time you need to Carla. We'll always listen and we'll always care. I just wish we could make it all go away.
Sending you gentle hugs and much prayer, Cindy

momma to3 boys · **Joined:** Fri Aug 31, 2007 2:34 pm **Posts:** 171

CINDY,YOU ARE RIGHT,THANK YOU.I JUST DONT WANT TO FORGET CHRIS EVER HE HAS MY HEART SO DO ALL MY BOYS,DO YOU FEEL SAD AND SOMETIMES GUILTY WHEN YOU SPEND TIME WITH YOU OTHER CHILDREN,IS THIS NORMAL.I FEEL SAD THAT IM STILL HERE AND CHRIS ISNT,HE STILL HAD SO MUCH LIFE ON THIS EARTH ,HE WOULD OF MADE A DIFFENCE.I KNOW JESUS HAS HIM IN HAS ARMS.BUT I WANTED HIM IN MINE.I KNOW THAT SOUNDS BAD.BUT I MISS HIS HUGS SO MUCH

Cindy · **Posted:** Fri Oct 05, 2007 11:54 pm

Girl you're not about to forget Chris. We don't forget a part of us especially when that part is still "part" of us. It's just not going to happen. Carla, I've felt that sadness and guilt many times but not so much anymore. Well, not the guilt anyway. I guess we will always feel the sadness but it has changed and it's hard to explain. I guess what I'm trying to say is now instead of always being an overwhelming sadness I am able to enjoy special memories of B.J. with a smile in my heart and on my face. Yes, I still get so sad at times and still get overwhelmed but there is much good that is slowly seeping in. I don't know how and I don't know when but I can see it is happening and I'm glad. I know B.J. doesn't want his Mama to be forever broken to the point that I can't remember him with joy in my heart and memories.
I know you want Chris here with you and when I look into his face in his pictures I can understand why. He is a very special young man and I can see it in his pictures. I can only imagine what he was like in person. I know he could have continued to make a difference in many peoples live and in many ways. I believe the day is coming that you will begin to see that he is continuing to make a difference. But I know...you wanted it to be here. So did I Carla, so did I. :cry:

It will never sound bad that you want Chris here in your arms. You're his Mom. I'd think you were crazy if you didn't want him here. And talking about missing those hugs. I told my 14 year old daughter Sarah today that I would give anything to have B.J. back for even 5 minutes so I could just wrap him up in a hug and never let him go. I miss hugging him so much. She said but Mama it would just be hard to let him go all over again and I said I know but it would be a chance worth taking. How I wish we could you know?
I'm praying for you Carla. I wish I could do more. I'm sorry.
Love, Cindy

Barbara · **Posted:** Sat Oct 06, 2007 10:28 am

Carla,
I completely under stand how you feel.There are when my heart hurts so bad because I just want Michael so much.There are so many things I don't do any more because they always involved Michael.I do try to remember the silly things he's done or the things that made me laugh so hard and that always seems to keep him close to my heart.No one can ever take the memories and the special times we had with are children away.And I would give anything to have one more minute with my son.
Sending you prayers and hugs,
Barbara

JANE_E · **Posted:** Sat Oct 06, 2007 11:48 am

Dear Carla,

Oh yes............... we understand. I feel that way about Christmas. Scott loved the decorations. Scott & Kelli always took the kids out to the woods to cut a tree but she doesn't want to do that anymore. I have certain foods I only make at Christmas time that he loved so much since he was little. I can't bring myself to make them, I tried last year but couldn't even taste them myself.

Life has taken on a strange unfamiliar feeling. I don't seem to be able to manufacture any excitement about holidays or anything anymore. I can't seem to shake the bleakness.

And, I'm still suffering from the "unreal" part of it. I just can't imagine that this entire year is real...........that it's all true and I have no choice but to live with it.

I hate it, I hate the struggle to keep up appearances and pretend that I'm living. The only relief I get is when the kids are here and I think exhaustion clouds my grief.

This is going to hurt every day for the rest of my life.

love,
jane

Lynda · **Posted:** Sun Oct 07, 2007 10:34 am

Dear Carla,
Sending you extra (((HUGS))) in hopes that it brings you a gentle smile, even if for a breif second.
Hugs,
Lynda

Tonya · **Posted:** Sun Oct 07, 2007 7:02 pm

Carla...

I'm sending you many gentle (((HUGS))). You are always in my thoughts and prayers.

Jo Ann · **Posted:** Sun Oct 07, 2007 9:18 pm

Sweet Carla,
I am sending you love and hugs.
Love, Jo Ann

heidi_1395 · **Posted:** Tue Oct 09, 2007 12:54 pm

I HAVE TWO STEP CHILDREN AND THEY MEAN THE WORLD TO ME BUT LIKE YOU I FEEL SO ALONE AND ANGRY AND HURT.MY SON AT THE AGE OF FOUR DIED A TRAMATIC WAY AND EVERY DAY IT PLAYS IN MY HEAD AND AT NIGHT I HAVE NIGHTMARES SO I DO NOT SLEEP WELL.WHEN I SPEND TIME WITH MY STEP CHILDREN I CAN NOT HELP BUT THINK HOW IT WOULD BE WITH ALL THREE TOGETHER AND THEN I JUST CRY I HAVE BEEN SO DEPRESSED FOR SOME TIME MY BABYS BIRTHDAY IS OCT 13TH AND I CAN NOT BRING MY SELF TO HIS RESTING PLACE AND IT HAS BEEN 7 LONG YEARS AND I HAVE NOT EVEN GONE THERE YET,JUST REMEMBER YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN THIS.

Jo Ann · **Posted:** Tue Oct 09, 2007 1:05 pm

Heidi,
What is your sweet son's name? some bereaved parents find comfort going to their child's resting place and some do not. No rules exist on this grief journey. Whatever helps you survive, as long as it is not harmful to you or others, is what you need to do. Anniversaries are so hard and your son's is just around the corner. Try to be gentle to yourself and lean into the pain.
Much love,

ALONE

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