Scott's Headstone

JANE_E · **Posted:** Sat Oct 06, 2007 10:47 pm

Kelli went out to take pictures of it. She said she started the weeding but got so emotional she had to quit....... and she wanted to wait to see what I wanted to do about finishing up the site. I really don't know what they'll let us do so we have to talk to them to see if we can isolate it a little so it doesn't get mowed over. I don't like them mowing over his grave.

Kelli says it's much bigger than it looks in the pictures. It's in the middle of their two grave-sites.........so I'll have to see it to get a better prospective. The lighthouse is a copy of a lighthouse on the east coast they use to visit, a special place to them. The eagle is a symbol of freedom that Scott always loved. I told her she did a great job... I couldn't do it.

It's so hard to see it........ I don't know how to go there and look at it .......... Kelli is afraid it might upset the kids to see her name on it also but I think if she explains to them that it's for a long time from now when she's an old lady.......I think they'll be comforted by it. Frank and I will be to the right of them. Mike and Tara are buying sites there also. Laurie & Steve I don't know about. I'd like to have them close by us someday, but with Steve's father dying, I don't think it's the time to mention it. So, in the big picture, I guess it doesn't matter.......

My stomach turns into knots dealing with all of it. I immediately want to take a pill & go to sleep but I've almost gotten off of the anti-anxiety pills and don't want to start again if I can help it.

After seeing the pictures last night just before I went to bed, I couldn't sleep, even with taking a sleeping pill. I tossed and turned all night, just reliving it all.

What a nightmare........ this isn't meant to be borne..........

Last year, on Kelli's birthday, October 18, Scott wanted Frank to stop on the way to Portland to get a birthday cake for Kelli. He knew exactly what he wanted it to say.... "To my beloved wife, I'll love you always"......... she cut that part of it and froze it. So, you can guess her birthday from now on won't be a very good one. I'm so sorry for that.

I tried to get her to stop & think before she got the plot next to him and ordered the double headstone.....because she's young and she might remarry. But she insisted that even if she did, Scott will still be her soul mate and she'll still want to rest beside him when her time comes. I can't argue that.

JANE_E · **Posted:** Sat Oct 06, 2007 11:52 pm

Oh God Tammy,
Somehow I guess I was waiting for you, I started sobbing immediately when I read your post.

How can we all do this Tammy? How can we? I feel like a shell of the person I was before. There's nothing left of me. It hurts so much.

I need to go to the cemetery tomorrow, but I'm almost in a state of panic and have been all day. I can't bear for it to be so final. I want to decorate the area now and make it nice but I want my son here with me. I need to tell him things. I want him to know everything that's happened since he's been away.

Oh Tammy, I'm not a very strong person. I use to think so, but now I realize I have no strength left. I just want to sit and cry all the time.

I don't know if it's the anniversary coming up and the stone at the same time, but I'm starting to have anxiety attacks again. The pain is so bad......... I just don't know.

Thank you so much dear Tammy, I know you understand.......... all of us feel this way. My pain is the same as everyone else's, it's just that I don't want to live in this head anymore. I don't like the desperate feeling that haunts me..........to turn back the clock...........to wake up, to just snap out of this nightmare. I just don't know how to to it.

Cindy · **Posted:** Sun Oct 07, 2007 12:24 am

Jane, I love you and I'm going to answer your post by e-mail.
Love, Cindy

Drea · **Posted:** Sun Oct 07, 2007 3:30 am

Jane, that is a beautiful stone. I love the eagle! Let us know how it goes when you visit. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts.

Lynda · **Posted:** Sun Oct 07, 2007 10:30 am

Dear Jane,
Very bitter sweet...it is gorgeous but what it resembles is heartbreaking. I know how hard this is for you and you will remain in my prayers as you go and visit for the first time since they put it in. We love you!
Hugs,
Lynda

Susan · **Posted:** Sun Oct 07, 2007 11:42 am

Jane,

How beautiful! The mixed emotions our children's headstones bring up are overwhelming, aren't they? It shouldn't be there, but since it is, it should be very special. And, it is, it's beautiful and special.

Love and hugs,
Susan

Cece · **Posted:** Sun Oct 07, 2007 3:37 pm

Dear Jane, My heart is with you today. I wish I could go with you to try to give you strength, but alas, I am still a gimp.

Barbara · **Posted:** Sun Oct 07, 2007 4:54 pm

Jane,
The headstone is beautiful and I understand how hard it is,I will be keeping you close to my heart and in my prayers for god to give you the comfort you need.
Love and Hugs,
Barbara

Tonya · **Posted:** Sun Oct 07, 2007 6:59 pm

Jane...

How beautiful. I'm just so sorry for what it represents. A parent should never have to endure such heartache. Such feeling of emptiness. I pray that God wraps His arms around you and fills you with the peace and comfort that only He can provide.

I love you......

Jo Ann · **Posted:** Sun Oct 07, 2007 9:15 pm

Jane, I know how much it hurts to see our child's name with their birth and death death carved in stone. IT IS SO HORRIBLE, AND SEEING IT FOR THE FIRST TIME IS A JOLT OF FINALITY. My knees buckled and I wailed when I saw Krystal's bench the first time.
I am sending you love and love to all of us grieving parents.
Love,

txlouise · **Posted:** Mon Oct 08, 2007 7:40 am

(((((JANE)))))))

It is beautiful!

Love,Louise

momma to3 boys · **Joined:** Fri Aug 31, 2007 2:34 pm **Posts:** 171

I KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO GET THE MEMORIAL STONE PUT DOWN,IT IS SO FINAL I CAN FEEL THE PAIN.IT IS VERY NICELY DONE JANE,AND IT SHOWS HOW MUCH HE IS LOVED.

Scott's Headstone

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