Dear Heidi,
We all ask why, and no matter the circumstances, we keep asking that question: WHY?
I don't think anyone on earth can give you the real answer, but in heaven it will all be clear.
You've had some very, very rough breaks in life Heidi.....sometimes those events can shape who we and how we live............. Inside you, you're just like all of us........with a heart that's broken and keeps getting hurt over and over. It's as if life has put a mountain in the road for you to climb......... but once you get to the top of it, you can see forever.
That probably doesn't make sense..........OK, here's another old saying, "That which does not kill us, makes us stronger".......... you have survived so much. Inside yourself is a reservoir of strength and even though you've emotionally collapsed, you have found a way to tap into that reservoir. You're still alive and still feeling the pain that life has handed you. You're still struggling to understand it and still looking forward to the tasks at hand. That's strength dear Heidi.............. even when we feel totally overwhelmed and internally crushed........... we still put one foot in front of another. That's strength in the face of overwhelming adversity. Give yourself credit for that strength, even though you don't feel strong. You're still trying.
You were given a precious gift Heidi, God gave you a son. As the poem says, he was simply on loan to you, as are all our children. They truly belong to God, but he sends them to us for a reason and then sometimes for his own reasons, he calls them back. The gift of your son from God was a gift that opened up your heart and showed you that God loves you every bit as much as he loves a minister, a priest, a nun or even a saint. You are a child of God, he doesn't turn his back on you or punish you. He's the one constant, the one loving force that is always in your corner no matter where you go or what you do. All you ever have to do is call on him with a sincere heart, and he'll be there. Never discount his presence in your life. We don't know the plans he has for us, but they are there.
Your nephew now needs you and this may be part of your mission. You might have the opportunity to turn his life around and show him a better way of life. In working with him, you might help yourself more than you ever thought possible. He needs you and he will be a challenge to you, especially in your grief. Call on God every day for the strength to do what you know in your heart.
Be proud of your accomplishments, you've already survived so very much. That speaks volumes about your inner strength and inner faith...... tap into those resources as often as you need to, and know that every time you tap into prayer and faith, those resources are tripled and instead of decreasing your resources, they are magnified ten fold.
I don't want to come across as lecturing you because that's not productive to anyone. But I just don't want you to blame yourself for any of this......... and certainly don't put a grief time line on yourself or allow anyone else to put one on you. Grief doesn't work like that........... and I suspect you'll carry the loss of your child in your heart forever. People who try to direct you how to grief only complicate it for you and make it harder. Don't allow anyone to do that to you. We never get over the loss of a child........ but I understand the painful memories can be replaced, slowly, ever so slowly.......by the precious ones. I'm so new in my own grief (just one year) that I'm still desperately struggling myself.
I wish I could help you. You are a child of God........... your worth is not measured in dollars, because God loves you beyond any measure of gold. He will help you when you cry out to him. Have faith and just keep putting one foot in front of another..... someday you'll look back and realize you've walked many miles.
God Bless you and keep you in his care,
love, hugs, prayers,
jane
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[size=18]SATERDAY IS ALMOST HEAR AND MY HEART IS CRYING.MY SON WILL BE 12.I ALWAYS WOUNDER IF YOUR IN HEAVEN DO YOU HAVE BIRTHDAY PARTYS,I KNOW THAT SOUNDS CORNEY BUT I DO BELIVE IN GAD AND A HIGHER POWER.WHEN ME SON DIED I WAS ANGRY WITH GOD AND I FELT LIKE HE WAS PAYING ME BACK FOR THINGS IN MY PAST LIKE DRUG USE HAVEING A BABY BEFOR BEING MARRIED,YOU SEE MY FOSTER FATHER WAS A PASTER SO I GREW UP IN CHURCH AND I WAS ALWAYS TOLD THINGS HAPPEN FOR A RESONE LIKE GOD LETTING ME HAVE A BABY TO BEGUN WITH I WAS TOLD I COULD NOT HAVE CHILDREN AND WHEN I GOT PRENET I WAS TOLD IF I HAD THE BABY IT COULD KILL ME BUT I TOOK THAT CHANCE MY SON WAS BORN 2 MONTHS EARLY AND I THANK GOD I WAS ABLE TO BE A MOM AND I MISS THAT,ANY WAYS ALL THE FEED BACK YOU ALL GAVE ME WAS GOOD BUT EVERY YEAR STARTING IN OCTOBER I BECOME SO SO DEPRESSED TILL AFTER CHRISTMAS I HVE BEEN OUT IN THE HOSPITAL BECAUSE I TRIED TO KILL MYSELF THE LAST TIME MY FATHER TOLD ME IT WAS A SIN TO KILL YOURSELF SO I DO NOT WANT TO GO TO HELL SO HE SCARED ME BUT I STILL GET SO DEPRESSED AND OTHER PEOPLE TELL ME HEIDI IT HAS BEEN 7 YEARS GET ON WITH IT BUT AS WE ALL KNOW THATS NOT HOW IT WORKS.I ALSO WANT TO SAY SORRY ABOUT NOT CALLING ANY ONE BECAUSE THERE WAS 2 MORE DEATHS IN MY FAMILY THIS WEEK MY OLDER SISTER TOOK HER OWN LIFE AND LEFT ME A 13 YEAR OLD HIS FATHER TOOK HIS LIFE TWO YEARS AGO AND MY SISTER WENT DOWN HIL EVER SINCE THEY LIVED IN PENN SO WE HAD TO DRIVE TO ALENTOWN PENN WE BOTH CAN NOT STOP CRYING AND MYT HEART FEELS SO MUCH PASIN FOR HIM KE LOST HIS ONLY COUSIN(MY SON)HIS DAD AND NOW HIS MOM WHY DOES GOD KEEPS THROWING THINGS AT ME????IF ANY ONE CAN GIVE ME ME FEED BACK AND PRAY FOR MY FAMILY I WOULD BE SO GREATFULL.
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