How do I make it through the Holidays?

Barbara · **Posted:** Thu Oct 11, 2007 9:06 am

Here it is the end of the year.Halloween,Thanksgiving and Christmas right around the corner.This will be my first year without Michael.I can already feel the pain and saddness taking over.How am I going to make it through?
I have all these memories of Michael especially on Christmas morning but this year theres just this emptiness.I wish I could just sleep through it all.Last Thanksgiving and Christmas were so special to me Michael seemed to go out of his way to make it special for me.Little did I know it would be his last.
Is anyone elsa having trouble coping?What do I do? How can I be happy and look forward to the holidays when a big part of its gone?

Love,
Barbara

Tonya · **Posted:** Thu Oct 11, 2007 9:15 am

Barbara....

My heart is breaking for you. The first year was the toughest for me. I honestly didn't think that I would survive it. But, by the grace of God, I did. The holidays are always tough, even 6 years later. Prayer, faith, friends and family seem to make things a little less painful. Please know that we are all here for you Barbara. Anytime that you may need us. I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers....as always.

I love you.

Sending you many gentle (((hugs)))......

Cindy · **Posted:** Thu Oct 11, 2007 2:47 pm

Oh Barbara, I read your post a few hours ago and my heart was just too heavy to answer you. I'm so sorry, this being your first of everything without your Michael is so much to have to handle.
B.J. died just over three weeks before Christmas so that first one we were just in shock so the next one for us is where you're at now. We did everything different just as a means of trying to survive. We went out to eat for Thanksgiving and Christmas both that year and we all ordered one of B.J.'s favorite foods. Needless to say it wasn't the traditional meal but that doesn't matter. I did make a few desserts for my kids at home and I for sure made B.J.'s favorite chocolate pie that we all set down together and had in his memory. He had told me he always wanted a chocolate pie for his birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas and for his little brother Johnathan's birthday so he could have it at least 4 times a year. He was silly, but I'll make his pies for as long as I am able and we'll have them for him. I had wanted new towels for Christmas the year B.J. died and my daughter Kayla told me that is one of the gifts B.J. was going to buy for me but didn't get the chance. So now every year I buy myself two new towels and put them under the tree from B.J. Crazy? Maybe...but it somehow helps me.
You just have to do whatever it is you find to do that will bring you comfort of any kind and don't do what is too hard to do. Last year was the first time I was able to even wrap my gifts to my other children, I had to let them wrap each others for me because I just couldn't do it. This year??? I don't know yet.
Every year since then we have done things different just trying to find what works for us. You know, a new normal. Maybe that is our new normal...just doing whatever whenever to make it.
So am I having trouble coping? The answer is yes...always! B.J. was sick at Thanksgiving and died on Dec.1st. so from now thru Jan. when the twins was born I'm doing just that...coping as best as I can. It has gotten a little easier but I'd be lying if I said it wasn't hard.
Sending gentle hugs and lots of prayer to you.
Love, Cindy

Cece · **Posted:** Thu Oct 11, 2007 5:16 pm

These will be my first holidays without Laura also. I have no idea what I will do to cope. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other I guess. She has been gone almost 3 months, but the pain is still raw.

Susan · **Posted:** Thu Oct 11, 2007 6:19 pm

The first holiday season without our children is so hard. I think I put myself on auto pilot and just trudged through. I tried for my daughter's and grandchildren's sake to keep as much to tradition as I could. I did get a new tree at Christmas and all new ornaments, there's no way I could, or ever will again, be able to face the old ornaments and decor that has so much sentimental attachment to Clint.

It's not an easy time of year ~ take it one day at a time.

My love and hugs to you all facing your first holiday season.

Love,
Susan

Barbara · **Posted:** Thu Oct 11, 2007 6:44 pm

Tonya,Debi,Cindy,Lucy and Susan,
Thank all of you so much for your kind words and I know its just as hard on each of you.Sometimes I just get so paniky thinking about it.I went to see my doctor today,she put me on Paxal and give me something to help me sleep.I so glad I have all of you or I don't think I would make it.I love you all so much!!
Hugs,
Barbara

MadameApothecary · **Posted:** Thu Oct 11, 2007 6:49 pm

As if the holidays weren't stressful enough!! We are all unfortunate enough to have to deal with making it through without our loved ones. This will be my first "holiday season" without Laura and my grandmother (she died on Dec. 22 last year). I guess I will do like I do to make it through every day. I have a strong tie to Buddhist beliefs, although I am by no means a Buddhist. One thing I find great comfort in is the idea that since Laura is no longer physically here to enjoy living, I am here. I should enjoy living my life as much as I can for myself, but also for her. There are certain things I do just to honor her. Somehow it makes me feel closer to her and it does help me through the day. It still isn't easy for sure, but it helps. Laura loved Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas. It seems so odd to be preparing for these holidays without her (and my grandmother) physically here. I think one thing is that although we now have an emptiness to our holidays, we also have fond, loving and joyful memories. Perhaps we should try to focus on these good memories instead of thinking so much about the emptiness and loneliness of not having our loved ones here. Yeah, I know alot easier to type than to do, but it is a thought. Right now, I'm up to try just about anything to help me through.

JANE_E · **Posted:** Thu Oct 11, 2007 7:27 pm

Last year was the first of everything without Scott.........but, I was still numb and in total shock. I really don't remember Thanksgiving or Christmas at all. I know my daughter cooked both dinners and we all went to her house. The whole gang, as usual, gathered here for Christmas Eve, but none of us were in a festive mood. We were all still in a state of stun and did it only for the kids, not because we wanted to enjoy it.

Of course immediately after Christmas, December 28th, is Scott's little girl's birthday and the very next day, the 29th is Scott's birthday. The only thing I remember about last year was Kelli having Rebecca's 6th birthday party at Chuckie Cheeses, her parents made all the arrangements for her because Kelli wasn't up to it. In the middle of it, Rebecca and some of her little friends were up front dancing with the characters and I suddenly felt Scott's presence, so intensely strong and profound that I started to shake and cry and had to leave. I know, without the slightest doubt, that he was there for his daughter's birthday.

The holidays are unbearable, I dread them so very much and feel so bad since all the little kids look forward to them so much. They love getting together and spending time with all their cousins and aunts & uncles.

But for me...........there's a hole big enough to drive a truck through. It's almost unbearable, but I feel so guilty by not participating. I don't want my other two children to feel that I've given up on them also.........or their children. It's such a struggle and my heart is definitely not in it.

Love, hugs, prayers,
jane

Lynda · **Posted:** Fri Oct 12, 2007 7:57 pm

Dear Barbara,
I remember the first set of holidays...it is so hard because you don't know what to expect. Be gentle on yourself! The best advice I received during my first year was to not make any kind of commitments. Family knew ahead of time that if we didn't show up, to not take it personally that year. Also, give yourself permission to not follow any kind of traditions this year, unless it will help you (everyone is different). If the gathering was always done at your house, and if you don't feel like you can do it this year, ask another fmialy to host the holidays. What it all comes down to is taking care of YOURSELF first. And NO, your NOT being selfish by doing this. In the long run, if you take care of yourself right now, you will be able to be there for others later down the road.
Last but not least, know that we will all be here for you and each other during this difficult time.
Love ya!
Hugs,
Lynda

Barbara · **Posted:** Fri Oct 12, 2007 8:00 pm

Jane,
You will be in my thoughts and prayers. I know you are feeling alot of pain to with the holidays approaching. Like you I don't want my other kids to think I've just forgotten them and it is very hard.As long as I have God beside me I know I can make it through.
And everyone in this forum your all great!
Love and hugs,
Barbara

Barbara · **Posted:** Fri Oct 12, 2007 8:04 pm

Lynda,
Thank you for your kind words and that is good advice because I only feel like being at home with just my kids.
I love you all,
Barbara

Lynda · **Posted:** Fri Oct 12, 2007 8:25 pm

Your very welcome Barbara. That bit of advice came from another greiving mother. I think it is so hard for us Moms to take a step back and let someone else plan, prepare, and host any holiday get together, especially if we are use to doing it ourselves. And there is NOTHING wrong with wanting it to be just you and your children. There may be people who don't understand this, but stick to what you know you need to do, regardless of what others think or say. Mentally, physically, and emotionally, your body will thank you for this.

Overall this just needs to be a gentle year for you...and I would like to think most people would understand this.

Dear Jane,
I will also be here for you, Kelly, and the boys. Every year is so hard, but the first is seems so scary because you don't know what to expect. There is no right or wrong way to get through the holidays. You do what you need to do for YOU.

Hugs,
Lynda

JANE_E · **Posted:** Fri Oct 12, 2007 9:34 pm

Lynda, Barbara, everyone,

I think the holidays always cause a lot of anxiety but given the circumstances and our losses.......they seem almost overwhelming.

My oldest son called from Seattle and wanted to know what we're planning for Thanksgiving and I actually hadn't planned anything. With my son-in-laws father terminally ill, I don't think I can count on my daughter to do it all this year. I might do a smaller version of our regular dinner. It's hard to even contemplate right now.......but I know it's also a good idea to not let the kids down anymore than necessary. I've even thought of having a restaurant cook the dinner and deliver it............... but as I said.........no plans yet.

I love all of you.......more than I can tell you. As long as I'm able to connect with all of you I seem a little better able to maintain ............. but if I lose that connection I feel panic building up inside me.

I just want to return the wonderful comfort Lynda offered to me when she told me she would be there for me........... I am also here for you Lynda and your family. If you need me, just call or email me or simply post and I'll be here.

That goes for each of you. It will be so difficult for all of us, but we can do it together if we put our hearts into it. It's going to take everything I've got to get through the next three months, with Scott's angel anniversary coming up next week, then the holidays...

Since I know I'm not the only one struggling just please believe, it helps me if I can help someone else....... it not only makes me feel as if I've served God in some way, but the comfort comes back to me. So, please, if there's anything I can do, just let me know.

I think we can do this, if we stand together and share our love and our tears.

I love our family here, it's done so much for me, I don't know if I could ever tell you how much.

love, hugs, prayers,
jane

How do I make it through the Holidays?

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