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Heidi,
I think everyone of us has wondered if our children were removed from us because of something we did or didn't do in our past.
I don't believe that God works that way. I think he gave your child to you to help you lead a better life. He actually "loaned" him to you. Maybe to open your heart to love and to show you a better way.
None of us know the whys or wherefores of our losses and we all try to make sense out of it or to find a reason for it......... I think the "WHYs" cause us more trouble than anything.
There are no answers.......... none to be found, at least not for many, many years.
But, if we do forgive ourselves and ask God for forgiveness with a sincere heart, it will be granted. It sounds as if you need some help to work on self forgiveness......... that appears to be eating at you more than anything.
I really don't believe that God is so vindictive, so vengeful that he would haunt us with so much misery, especially for so many things out of our control.
I will tell you what so many have told me............... and I believe them, it's just so hard to do.
We must try, we must make the effort to go forward from this point in our lives, to do good where we can and to make the world a little more gentle, more loving while we're here. We can only go forward, there's no way to undo what's happened, but we can learn from it and make changes that will benefit our lives and the lives of our loved ones.
I think a good counselor would be so helpful to you. I do not think you are "guilty" but it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, it only matters what you think about yourself. I'm so sorry for your pain. I wish so much that we could help you , I wish we could give you a hug and tell you that you're a worthwhile person and God loves you, so very, very much. Do you know he especially loves those who struggle in faith, because he wants your heart to be free from pain and suffering.
I've always had a strong faith, but haven't always practiced it. I've also said things and done things that I'm not proud of. That's called being human......... but God loves me and Heidi, he loves you also.
You've found a family here, we all care very deeply about you, about your pain and want to help you.
I can tell you right now, I love you dear Heidi. I see you as a sister in pain and that opens my heart to you and my arms if we were close.
Try to find a way to let go of the things you can't change about your past......... write them down on a piece of paper. Write everything that you regret down, listed in order. Once you've dealt with that list in your mind. Crumple it up and set fire to it. Go forward from that point knowing that God does not carry a grudge against you. He opens his arms to you as he does to every single one of his beloved children. If you can find it in your heart to believe in God............. then you will know that you have forgiveness.
I wish we could help you, I'm so sorry for your pain.
love, hugs, prayers,
Jane
_________________ Scott Matthew HIll - 2 years old
To lose a child teaches one what the word bereavement really means. There is no loss equal to the loss of a child.
“We are each of us angels with only one wing. And we can only fly embracing each other."
~Luciano De Crescenzo
www.scottmatthew-hill.last-memories.com
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AT TIMES I WOUNDER IF GOD IS PAYING ME BACK FOR THE THINGS I HAVE DONE.ON BOTH SIDES OF MY FAMILT THERE IS ALOT OF ADDICTION PROBLAMES,YES MYSELF INCLUDED,I WAS USEING COCAIN BEFOR I HAD MY SON WHEN I FOUND OUT THAT I WAS GOING TO HAVE A BABY WICH WAS A MIRICAL ITS SELF SINCE I WAS TOLD IT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN BUT ANY WAYS I WAS ADDICTED TO COCAIN AND WHEN THE DR TOLD ME I WAS GOING TO HAVE A BABY I STOPPED USEING AND NEVER TOUCHED THE STUFF AGAIN.I TOLD THE DR I WAS WORRIED AND HE TOLD ME I WAS ONLY 3 WEEKS ALONG THERE WOULD BE NO PROBLAME SO MY SON SAVED MY LIFE AND WAS NOT EVEN BORN SO I THOUGHT GOD WAS TELLING ME SOMETHING AND WAS SHPWEING ME TO A BETTER LIFE.I WAS BORN ON DRUGS AND SO WERE MY SIBLINGS AND OUT OF SIX OF US MY OLDER SISTER AND MY SELF ARE THE ONLY ONES ALIVE BECAUSE THE REST OF THEM WERE BORN WITH AIDS.BACK THEN NO ONE KNEW MY MOM WAS SICK,ANY WAYS I DID SOME BAD THINGS AND NOW I WOUNDER IF GOD IS PUNISHING ME FOR MY PAST.I HAVE BEEN CLEAN MORE THEN 12 YEARS 
AND I AM PROUD OF THAT MY BABY HAD NO DRUGS IN HIM WHEN HE WAS BORN THANK GOD,BUT THE ?? ABOUT GOD PUNISHING ME STILL LINGERS IN MY HEAD SO DO YOU BELIVE THAT GOD DOES PAY US ACK FOR THE BAD THINGS WE HAVE DONE?
