Is there such a thing as "progress" in grief?

JANE_E · **Posted:** Thu Oct 18, 2007 2:28 am

Tell me truthfully, have any of you even begun to accept the loss of your child yet?

Does it ever really change, is there a lessening of the sorrow after a few years? For me it will be one year on Saturday, October 20. I can't even look at the day right now without a serious panic beginning inside me.
How can it be a year? Where have I been this entire year? I don't remember much of it except the pain, constant and unrelenting. It's been a year of isolation, crying, not wanting to see people or go anywhere.......... panic attacks, racing heart and feeling like I'm in a nightmare and will wake up soon. I have flashes where I'm almost comforted for a brief second........ it really was just a nightmare..... and then reality slaps me in the face once more.

People say the second year is even harder.......... and I 'm wondering how anything can be harder than this past year. I can't even bear to remember the three weeks we spent in the hospital with Scott.

I don't think we're "wired" to ever come to terms with, or accept the loss of a child. I'm sorry, but it just doesn't feel normal or acceptable. When I cry and say I can't take it, and I can't do this any longer........... I wonder where those words come from and who are they directed at? What choice do I have?

I'm so sorry for every single one of us. There just isn't a thing natural about this or acceptable, I'll never come to terms with it.

I'm still waiting for Scott to call me, or for him to come home. I'll wait for that the rest of my life.

[]\[

Lynda · **Posted:** Thu Oct 18, 2007 6:53 am

Dearest Jane,
I can feel the pain in your words. I have always been truthful with you and that is not going to stop now. I honestly do not know if I understand exactly what people mean when they say "accept" when it comes to the death of my child. I mean, what do I need to show people in order for them to think I "accepted" things? If I "move on" and don't talk about Garion, people will then think I HAVEN'T "accepted" what has happened and they think I am hiding from my grief. But if I talk about Garion, then people DON'T think I have "accepted" his death (it is painful to write that word) because I go on and on about it. So what does "acceptance" really mean when it comes to grief? What do people "expect" of us? Sure, I understand what has happened. I no longer think I am just dreaming and I understand this is my life. But there will always be a part of me that can never "accept" what has happened as being OK and if "acceptance" means FORGETTING, then I guess I will NEVER "accept".
I love you Jane and I know how hard these days are. Know that we are here for you with each and every step you take. There is NOTHING right, normal, nor good about our children's angelversary no matter how long it has been. We will be right here for you!
Hugs,
Lynda

Lynda · **Posted:** Thu Oct 18, 2007 7:12 am

I am sorry Jane. I guess the whole "acceptance" thing took over my thought process that I forgot to finish everything I had originally wanted to say. You had asked if there is a lessening of sorrow after a few years. I just had Garion's second angelversary this past August. I don't know if there has been a lessening of sorrow, but more so of it just being different. Jo Ann said it best the other day on the phone, WE HAVE GOTTEN BETTER AT WEARING OUR MASKS! I honestly believe this to be true and she put it in words that I was able to understand. I have learned to numb myself when around other people. Sometimes I do it to protect myself, sometimes it isn't intentional, it is just who I have become. I wear my mask much more than I need to now of days!
To me, the pain will always be there. How can the pain change if the circumstances surrounding the pain don't change? Until I am able to see Garion, feel Garion, hear Garion, smell Garion, there will always be the pain of a grieving mother missing her child inside of me

I can't see that ever changing...just me learning to live with it, especially when I am around other people, even my own family.
Hugs,
Lynda

Jo* · **Posted:** Thu Oct 18, 2007 9:49 am

{{{Jane}}} I'm sending you many, many hugs.

I am 2 years, 3 months, and 6 days into the journey of grief. I am nowhere near acceptance. To me the word "accept" means "agree", and there is no way, will never be any way, for me to agree to my Kevin's passing. I am unable to even use the "D" word, I say "when Kevin left", or "Kevin passed".

I have visions of my son, being taken off the ambulance while CPR was being performed on him, then lying in that ER, and I become hysterical. I am unable to sleep at night without the aid of a prescribed sleeping pill. It feels as if I no longer live, I simply exist. I'm simply sucking up air til it's my time to be called home.

I have moments of laughter, but bubbling just below the surface is that molten lava of grief that can spew upwards in a split second and consume me totally.

Yes, Lynda we wear our masks well don't we....no Halloween costume needed for this Mom....I wear it 24/7/365, it has become a permanent fixture on my face.

I too still look for Kevin everywhere I go, or expect to hear his key turning in the lock of my front door, or yearn for one of his long winded phone calls to me.

My tears are flowing for you Jane. For you, for myself, and for each and every one of us that travel this unwanted journey.

Love & {{Hugs}}
Jo (Kevin's Mom forever and ever)

Cindy · **Posted:** Thu Oct 18, 2007 10:05 am

Jane, you asked me to be honest and I will. This is a hard one to explain. My first year after losing B.J. was like yours...awful. The second year the loss of Wayne and Buck finally really caught up to me so I was grieving all three of my sons. The third year reality finally began to set in and I lived with an anger like I have never known every day all day long. But...sometime after going into this 4th year something has changed. I first realized this about 6 months ago. I realized that I now have B.J. alive in Heaven waiting for me and not dead in the hard cold ground. Oh I knew this all along but now I believe it. Do you know what I mean? It has made it all so different now. To be honest I miss B.J. more with each passing day. And I have days like a few days ago that I still have complete meltdowns. But am I better? Yes. I am learning to live again. I can smile, laugh or play now and feel a little bit of real joy in it again. Will I ever be the same? No, but I will not stay like I have been either. Jane, it's much too soon for you and we're all so different anyway. So all I'm saying is for me yes, I have made progress and I know it's ok to. I love you and I'm praying for you.
Love, Cindy

JANE_E · **Posted:** Thu Oct 18, 2007 12:05 pm

I appreciate every one of you and every word you wrote to me. I have moments when I honestly feel as if my heart will explode inside of me. The pain is unlike anything I've ever experienced. Most pains are physical and cause a mental stress .

This pain encompasses every emotion, every physical reaction and mental commitment. It's all consuming.........unrelenting and exhausting. there's no part of my body, my mind or my emotions that is not totally immersed in it.

I have not slept a single night without prescription medications since it happened, not a single night. Even with them, I wake up sometimes in the middle of the night and have to get up and take another one because I lay there, just thinking.

My son would not want this for me. He worried about me and nagged me when he felt I wasn't taking good care of myself.......... he would be frustrated with me, he IS frustrated with me because I keep begging for more signs......... and yes.......... I'll confess......... in the darkness of night and in my silent mind......... I beg him to come back and I negotiate with him and with God......... just give him back to me and I'll............. or I will never................. or whatever..............

I know you can't bargain with God............. and in my heart, I know it's foolish to give energy to those thoughts........but they come and I don't stop them.

I've never, ever experienced anything such as this in my entire life........... and I pray to God that I'll never have to experience it again in this lifetime.

I think someone asked what this forum means to us? It means a link to life. A link to understanding, a link to acceptance of who I am and how I got here and finally, a voice, many voices answering me when I'm screaming in pain.............that I'm not alone and do not have to face all this by myself.

It means life, the slim thread the keeps me hanging on.

I love you guys,
jane

Susan · **Posted:** Thu Oct 18, 2007 4:44 pm

Jane,

My heart and prayers go out to you sweetie. The grief that we feel is a lifetime sentence, of sorts. We learn to live with it, each of us in our own way. Some people do better than others, it depends on what you brought to the table to begin with. As one of my friends says, your filtration system. The way you handle life, stress, etc.

Acceptance is not a word I associate with Clint's death. I'll NEVER accept it. I realize he's gone and that is why my heart is broken and bleeding.

For me, the more time goes by, the more I miss him and feel his loss.....

Love and hugs,
Susan

momma to3 boys · **Joined:** Fri Aug 31, 2007 2:34 pm **Posts:** 171

I FEEL THAT WAY TOO,I CAN NEVER ACCEPT WHAT HAPPENED TO CHRIS.

JANE_E · **Posted:** Thu Oct 18, 2007 7:09 pm

Jo,

I cannot use that dreaded "D" word either. I always say when my son passed. I can't even think it......... it's a word that just rips you apart and will never apply to my son.

I wish sometimes I could have the grief removed surgically or through hypnosis but I can't because the only way to do it would be to remove my memories of Scott. I'll never part with those. He means more to me than life itself.

I love him more every day. In my mind.........he's once again the little boy that I loved with all my heart and soul. Strange, but when I think of my children, and when I dream of them, even the two I still have......... I dream of them and think of them as they were when they were children.

I don't know.............. I think there has to be an end to this dark tunnel of grief, but I'm afraid when I reach it will be the moment someone reaches down for my hand and says "come on home now.........it's time".

Barbara · **Posted:** Thu Oct 18, 2007 7:09 pm

Jane,
Acceptance is not a word I use I will never except the fact both my sons are gone.Scott was taken from me 23 yrs ago I just learned how to cope plus I was pregnant with my daughter at the time so I had to think of her.But with Michael is seems much,much harder to accept I know hes gone but I'll never accept it.I think its true for all that maybe we just learn how to cope a little better as times passes or yes put on one of our many masks around others.The pain never truly goes away.
Send you many prayers,
Barbara

MadameApothecary · **Posted:** Tue Oct 23, 2007 1:38 am

It has only been 7 months now, but I feel like I have made progress and I have had set backs. What does it mean to accept death? To me, it is simply agreeing to the fact that yes, my Laura is dead, physically separated from me. I cannot touch her, hug her, call her, talk to her, see her, do things with her...not like we used to do. All of the plans that we had made are nothing now, we can't do them. I agree that this is a fact, and in doing so I accept her death. At the same time though, I feel like I have memories of her, I have my love of her (and hers of me) deep within my heart. This will never die or fade or go away. In that sense, Laura is very much alive and well...within me. She is present in everything I do, everywhere I go...she is there. When I talk to someone (or myself, as is often the case) about her...my love and my memories come forward and I am talking to her.

When I fist got the call that she was dead, I didn't believe it. There had to be a mistake, it simply could not be her. But it was. I think for me, that accepting her death came while I was writing out and rehearsing her memorial service. I chose words that she and I had discussed at my grandmother's funeral. I chose words that I felt she would appreciate and approve of. I think that doing this helped me to accept her death more quickly and "easily" than if I had not done her service. I still have issues with her death. I still have moments when I break down and cry and scream. I still have moments when the pain of losing her is so great I feel like I will just die myself. I am not "over" her death by a long shot..honestly I don't think I ever will be. The pain is always there, sometimes worse sometimes more bearable, but always there. In the times when it is so bad, I try to recall fond memories of her laughing or being silly and it helps. I recall the last phone conversation we had and hear her tell me she loved me and me tell her I loved her. It helps ease the pain, but not take it away. I don't think the sorrow and pain ever will go away, but hopefully as more time passes, I can keep it bearable. Sometimes when I am really having a bad day, I sit and re-read the memorial I wrote for her and I cry, I look at her website and see how great she was and I remember that she still is great...she still lives in my heart. I touch my heart and feel hers beating.

Is there such a thing as "progress" in grief?

Who is online