TOPIC: IN THE MORNING WHEN I WAKE

momma to3 boys · **Joined:** Fri Aug 31, 2007 2:34 pm **Posts:** 171

I WANT TO KNOW DO YOU FEEL THIS WAY?I FEEL LIKE I NEED TO RUN AND CHECK THE OUTSIDE AND LOOK THROUGH THE HOUSE ,I HAVE DONE THIS EVERY SINGLE DAY SINCE CHRIS WENT TO HEAVEN,MY HEART IS RACING.I GUESS IM MAKING SURE ITS NOT A NIGHTMARE ,IM HOPING CHRIS IS STILL SLEEPING OR GETTING READY FOR WORK.AND THEN WHEN IM DONE WITH IT.I SIT DOWN AND HAVE TO COLLECT MY SELF.

Lynda · **Posted:** Wed Oct 17, 2007 11:06 am

Dear Carla,
You brought up a wonderful discussion for us and I hope you don't mind me making this a sticky for our topic today.

Let us share with Carla and with each other what kind of things you have done in the past or continue to do to make sure this isn't just a nightmare.

Remember, you are not alone.

Hugs,
Lynda

Lynda · **Posted:** Wed Oct 17, 2007 11:13 am

Dear Carla,
I have done many things like this over the last 2 years. Some of the things I have done may seem silly to others, but to me it was so real, I just HAD to make sure. I couldn't give up HOPE!
The one thing that sticks out the most and I CONTINUE to do is when the children were outside playing, before Garion's accident, I always had my window cracked open so I can hear them. I knew if things got quiet to go out and check up on everyone. I still do this for Calyn & Rylon, but now I find myself listening for Garion's voice HOPING to hear him out there, even if it is him appearing as an angel to play with his brother, sister, and his best friends who live across and down the street...but there is still hope that it is him in the physical form, like none of this ever happened.
Again, it feels good to know I am not alone. I have other things I have and continue to do that I may share later.
Hugs,
Lynda

JANE_E · **Posted:** Wed Oct 17, 2007 12:14 pm

Carla,

My first thought every single morning is, "I'm awake, was it just a nightmare?" and then as I lay there for a few minutes my mind starts to come awake and the sick, nauseating feeling starts to consume me.............. as I realize that it wasn't a dream.

I still feel almost, just almost................that it's not real. That I've been sick, or in a coma or out of my mind or something to explain this horrid insanity that's consumed me. My first thought is to get to the bathroom to take my antidepressants and to be quiet and not to think until it kicks in. Then, as a few minutes go by........... I try to get back into today.......but it's so difficult. I don't really want to be here today. I want to be back in yesterday.

I just called our newspaper to get a notice in to remember his one year angel anniversary. I don't want to see it, didn't want to read it or create it but I can't let it pass by.

I believe this is hell. I can't imagine hell being worse than the pain of today. If it is........there is no God.

Barbara · **Posted:** Wed Oct 17, 2007 1:09 pm

Carla,
I do some of the same things. I wake up in the mornings and go to Michaels room to see if he there.Everytime I hear a Truck with a loud exhust or a radio booming I jump and look out the window.For some reason I expect to wake up from this nightmare and everything be back to normal.
Love and Hugs,
Barbara

momma to3 boys · **Joined:** Fri Aug 31, 2007 2:34 pm **Posts:** 171

LYNDA,I DONT MIND AT ALL.I FEEL SUCH SADNESS THAT WE HAVE TO LIVE WITHOUT OUR CHILDREN ON THIS EARTH.

Cindy · **Posted:** Wed Oct 17, 2007 3:12 pm

Carla, I did for a long time. I looked for B.J. in his room or watched for him to drive up outside. I don't do it very often anymore. I guess my heart finally realized he's not coming home. I hate even writing that. :cry:

I do still find myself watching for him on the platform at church often. He helped lead the praise and worship for 5 years and I guess since I'm only at church 3 times a week it's taking me longer to accept it there. He had a voice that carried and never even had to use a mic. Sometimes I can just "hear" his voice singing and I just cry because when I look he's not there. :cry:

Love, Cindy

Tanya · **Posted:** Wed Oct 17, 2007 6:40 pm

I never had a chance to bring Naudya Jo home from the hospital, but I find myself awakening to the sound of a baby crying, so I get up and look for it, of course, I find nothing. I never heard Naudya Jo cry, only a little whimper the day she was born, so I don't even know what her cry sounds like. I would take her crying day in and day out opposed to what I have now which is NOTHING but memories.

Lynda · **Posted:** Wed Oct 17, 2007 11:08 pm

Dear Tanya,
I am so sorry! I could not imagine not knowing...oh my heart breaks just thinking about it. Know that I am so sorry you never had that chance with Naudya Jo. (((HUGS)))
Hugs,
Lynda

JANE_E · **Posted:** Thu Oct 18, 2007 2:11 am

Tanya,

Your words brought tears to my eyes.......... I'm so sorry. My arms feel empty just reading your post.

Loss is pure agony, no matter the age. I'm so sorry.

hugs,
jane

SeventhHeaven · **Joined:** Thu Oct 18, 2007 4:41 am **Posts:** 61

Hello Everyone,
I just joined here today -

Earlier this year I joined a gym and would get up at 5.30am 3 times a week to go exercise as its meant to help and it was until for almost seven weeks while getting sick with viruses all winter I went only a few times. So this week I have started again to go everyday.
This morning I think for the first time in over 30 months since our last baby was born an angel I was real with my feelings and as I pulled out of the driveway just wanted to scream and howl (BTW I have yet to do) and I drove to the cemetery instead suppressing my feelings again so as not to have an accident, so by the time I arrived I was crying but the moment was lost. The moment to allow myself to just be in complete and utter devastation instead of being so detached and acting almost as though Im grieving in "third" person.

I go through the motions but I dont think reality has "sunk" in.

I think this morning was the first time I allowed reality to creep in - ever.

So Im finally realising that I wake up weary and exhausted every morning from the charade people want me to maintain and still ridicule as not good enough.
In the period of just over eight years (Oct. '97 - Dec. '05) I have had seven children, four are in heaven.

Thank you for listening to me.

Love and blessings, Maria. xxxxxxxx

Lynda · **Posted:** Thu Oct 18, 2007 6:31 am

Dear Maria,
I remember you from the other forum and it is so nice to see you post in here. Welcome into many new hearts and lives as we travel this journey together.
I honestly can not imagine having to go through this 4 different times. My heart truly goes out to you and I also can only imagine the reality of that not ever being able to sink in. I look forward to getting to know all 7 of your precious children and you even better in here.
Last year I also joined a gym. We did good for a while and went 3 nights a week, and I have to admit, I felt better then than I do now. My husband (Craig) has since changed shifts and is working 12pm-9pm with a 45 minute drive each way, and I just don't have it in me to get up and go

It would be wonderful if we were able to get to a point in which we all can motivate each other. They say it helps and I remember how I was doing...so why can't I gather the energy to continue? You would think we would do whatever it took to feel better.
Sending you lots of (((HUGS)))
Hugs,
Lynda

SeventhHeaven · **Joined:** Thu Oct 18, 2007 4:41 am **Posts:** 61

Dear Lynda,
Thank you for your most caring welcome.

All your words have really touched a chord with me, Im sorry I have real trouble expressing myself sometimes. It has helped me and I believe in more ways than I even realise now. Thank you Lynda.

Have a lovely day and hugs to you all!

Love and blessings, Maria. xxxxxxx

Lynda · **Posted:** Thu Oct 18, 2007 7:26 am

Dear Maria,
Thank you!!! I am going to DO THIS WITH YOU!!! So I don't get ahead of myself, I am going to look at my schedule and pick a day and time to just go and do this for 1 day a week. Maybe in time it will motivate me to go more often. But 1 day...I can do that for now. I will come back to you later today (it is 7:25 am) after I figure out my time and day. Thank you so much for helping me with this!
Hugs,
Lynda

Cindy · **Posted:** Thu Oct 18, 2007 9:32 am

Hi Maria, I've missed you. It's so good to "see" you again. You hang in there, the Lord knows how much you can handle in your grieving process. Maybe it's taken these 30 months to get you in a safe enough place with Him for you to be able to handle your many losses. I'm lifting you in my prayers.
Love, Cindy

TOPIC: IN THE MORNING WHEN I WAKE

Who is online