B.J.'s been gone too long

Cindy · **Posted:** Thu Nov 01, 2007 10:37 am

Today my Buddy has been gone for 3 years and 11 months. It's been too long and I miss him so much, I can't hardly stand it. He wasn't suppose to die before me. It's just so messed up. Every time I think I'm learning how to live without him reality hits me again and I don't know how I'm suppose to keep on. Thanksgiving is coming up and two of my kids birthdays and then B.J.'s death anniversary and I can't stand the thought of going through any of it and I'm not given any choice. For some reason I thought this year would be different when this time came around. I guess it was just wishful thinking. I miss B.J. so much!
Kayla is going to be 20 and B.J. died at 19, how messed up is that?
I feel so bad because I haven't been doing good on keeping your kids candles burning the way I want to but it's just too much right now. I never forget any of them or you but I can't seem to get them all done. Please be patient with me, I will get better.
I haven't been answering the posts like I would like to either and I'm sorry. I feel so guilty. I read and I pray but I just haven't been able to answer many lately.
My cousin died last week and Johnathan has been sick (he's better) and I guess with everything put together it has just got me feeling so overwhelmed again. Please just keep me in your prayers. Maybe leaving it here will take some of the pressure off. I hope so anyway.
All of those hard to handle memories leading up to B.J. dieing has been coming back and filling my mind so much again. That part had gotten so much better for so long and now it's back like a flood. It's crazy and it's making me crazier than I already was. It's bad enough to go to sleep crying but to wake up in the night with tears running and you can't remember even dreaming is just messed up. Isn't crying all day enough?
I'm sorry, I'll stop now. I just had too much in me and needed to let some of it out I guess.
Love, Cindy

Tanya · **Posted:** Thu Nov 01, 2007 10:49 am

Cindy~

My heart goes out to you, please dont' apologize for not lighting candles, I am the worst about that. Also don't apologize for not replying to our posts, we completely understand. Just know you can come here and talk about BJ any time you want. he has left an imprint on so many of our hearts and will continue to do so. We love you and are here for you any way possible.

JANE_E · **Posted:** Thu Nov 01, 2007 10:59 am

Oh my lovely, kind friend Cindy,

Reading your words made me cry also. I know so very well how you feel right now. The holidays are unbearable and so many events crowded together. We never have time to recover from one thing before another hits us.

Thanksgiving is so hard for me, I'd rather not do anything at all about it. I don't want a big dinner or to go anywhere. I can't skip it because of all my grandkids........but it's with a very heavy heart that I even think about it. Then, of course Christmas, which use to be my favorite holiday. I'd decorate the house, inside and out and burn candles and keep Christmas music playing.......... I can't tolerate any of that now......... three days after Christmas is Scott's little girl's birthday and the very next day is Scott's birthday.

I understand Cindy, I have so much dread, such a sick feeling as I think about it. I have no Christmas spirit at all left in me. Planning for Scott's birthday is more than I can accept or deal with and our precious little Rebecca.......... her birthday will always be a reminder of her lost daddy.

I miss my son more every day......... I know the ache you're talking about. I think of him every morning and all day and all night. He's foremost in my thoughts. How do I face all the years stretching out in front of me, without my son.

Oh Cindy, I recognize the pain that you're talking about............ it's so sad, and so hard to put one foot in front of another and keep going on with life. I just want to jump off the merry go round and stop .

I wish you peace my dear, dear friend,
I wish you comfort from God.......he's all we ever, truly have. Every other relationship we have is vulnerable to loss, but not God. He'll always be there for us. Sometimes he's all I can cling to.

I love you
jane
,

Barbara · **Posted:** Thu Nov 01, 2007 11:23 am

Cindy,
You don't have to ever apolgize for not lighting candles.We all know your thoughts are there.The holidays coming are going to be the hardest time with our angels not being there physically.But I know B.J. will be there with you.Its not FAIR that are children go before us,there is no reasoning behind it.The only conclusion I can come to is they were Gods special Angels sent into our lives for a purpose.I guess its up to us to figure it out.
Reading all our angels stories you can see they were all the most perfect,caring,giving and loving children.
I can feel your heartache and I cry with you,I just wish I had the answers.I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
love and hugs,
Barbara

Lynda · **Posted:** Thu Nov 01, 2007 11:29 am

Dear Precious Cindy,
I UNDERSTAND!!!! And please don't worry about those candles...they will be there for you to lite whenever you are having a gentler day and can do it.
I also thought this time of year would be easier this go round, but it doesn't seem to be so far. I think when we are slightly out of the bottom of the well we tend to think things can only look up, only to find ourselves slipping again. I just got home from my appointment with my psychologist and it has been determined that I need to stay on my meds longer, which I am relieved about. The thought of not having my "sanity" pills scares me so much. I am sorry, but I can't remember, are you taking any kind of medication? If not, maybe you can ask about taking something during this difficult time with the holidays, anniversary, birthdays, etc...even if temporary? It is such a personal decision and there is no right or wrong, but know that I will pray for you to find the strength to make it another day, another hour. And I completely understand the anxiety of your daughter turning older than BJ...if you remember that was and is one of my fears with Calyn & Rylon just having their birthdays. IT IS MESSED UP!!!! And NO, this isn't the way it should have been. But know we are here for you. I hope it did help some to talk about it on here...I know it helps me so much to be able to do that. Love you! And if you ever need to talk privately you have my email address and I can give you my phone number.
Hugs,
Lynda

Jo* · **Posted:** Thu Nov 01, 2007 12:13 pm

{{{Cindy}}},

The reality we live everyday is so messed up isn't it. My Kevin passed at 27, and in 2 months his brother Jeff will be 28, I can't even stand to think about it. This January would/"should" be Kevin's 30th....he will celebrate that milestone in heaven.

Time has no meaning for me, other than being able to count the days/weeks/months/years my son has been gone. Years...years...how can that be?? When I read what I wrote I'm astonished....How can my son be gone?

This time of the year makes it all the more difficult to deal with the grief. I so wish I could literally hibernate from now until Jan 8. (actually hibernating til God calls me home sounds pretty good to me also) unfortunately I can't do that.

Please don't add to your anxiety level by worrying about candle lighting. We have "all" been there, I'm sure alot of us are "there" right now. We understand!! I know you're praying for all of our angels and you hold each and everyone of them close to your heart.

I'm thinking of you and praying for you and holding you just a little bit tighter to my heart, as you go through the days ahead.

We're all here for you Cindy, lean on us, we'll get through this together.

Love & many {{{hugs}}},
Jo (Kevin's mom forever and ever)

Cece · **Posted:** Thu Nov 01, 2007 1:02 pm

Cindy, You go right ahead and vent anytime you need to. We all understand and have been there at various times. I too have been having a hard time lighting candles. It just makes me so sad. I haven't even been lighting them for Laura lately. I will pray for you.

momma to3 boys · **Joined:** Fri Aug 31, 2007 2:34 pm **Posts:** 171

CINDY,I AM PRAYING FOR YOU,I DONT KNOW WHAT TO SAY BUT IM HERE.I WAS JUST THINKING THIS MORNING THAT MY NEICE AND NEPHEW WILL BE 22 IN JAN. IT HURTS SO MUCH,I UNDERSTAND

Tonya · **Posted:** Thu Nov 01, 2007 4:20 pm

Cindy.....

I am saying many prayers for you. I completely understand how you're feeling. I would like to know where the tears keep coming from; haven't I cried them all out? Please know that I'm here for you...anytime.

I love you...
~Tonya~

Cindy · **Posted:** Fri Nov 02, 2007 12:24 am

Thank you all so much. You mean so much to me and I don't know what I would do without my special friends. The day is coming to an end and for the moment I am better. I know I'll make it. Right now it seems one minute at a time but I know I will.
Love, Cindy

SeventhHeaven · **Joined:** Thu Oct 18, 2007 4:41 am **Posts:** 61

Dearest Cindy,

Im sending you the biggest hugs and warmest prayers imaginable my special friend.
Im so sorry its so hard and messed up - words fail me Cindy, I do relate to the pull of the undertow just when your sure your on your way ..........

We dont have thanksgiving here and you have so many hard days ahead. BJ's, then Wayne & Bucks anniversaries follow in January.
Im just so sorry - and sad to read of your cousins passing also. Im glad Johnathon is better.
Its Friday 9pm here, Im sorry Im not here during the week, please know you are forever in my prayers and can contact me anytime, you have always been there for me and Im sorry I wasnt there for you today.

You remember in an email I mentioned a song "Stand" - here it is, I hope it helps.

Love, prayers and blessings to you all, Maria. xxxxxxxx

P.S. Im going to tell you a similar thing a very wise and faith filled woman told me recently. Just remember there is a family in Australia that loves and prays for you, your family & your angels - always.

"STAND"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9U0JzSfuwRU

What do you do
when you've done all you can
And it seems like it's never enough?
And what do you say
when your friends turn away,
and you're all alone?
Tell me, what do you give
When you've given your all,
and it seems like
you can't make it through?

Well you just stand
when there's nothing left to do
you just stand
Watch the lord see you through
Yes after you done all you can,
You just stand

Tell me,
how do you handle the guilt of your past?
Tell me, how do you deal with the shame?
And how can you smile
while your heart has been broken
and filled with pain?
Tell me what do you give
when you've given your all
Seems like you can't make it through?

Child you just stand,
when there's nothing left to do
You just stand
Watch the Lord see you through
Yes, after you've done all you can
You just stand.

Stand and be sure
Be not entangled in that bondage again
You just stand, and endure.
God has a purpose.
Yes, God has a plan.

Tell me what do you do
when you've done all you can
And it seems like you can't make it through
Child you just stand
You just stand
Stand ( 2x's)
Don't you dare give up (You Just)
Through the storm (Stand), Stand through the rain (Stand)
Through the hurt (Stand), jet through the pain (You just)
Don't you bow (stand), and don't bend (Stand)
Don't give up (Stand) , no, don't give in (You just)
Hold on, (Stand) just be strong (Stand)
God will step in (Stand), and it won't be long (You just)

After you done all you can (After you done all you can)
After you done all you can (After you done all you can)
After you gone through the hurt (After you done all you can)
After you gone through the pain (After the yo done all you can)
After you gone through the storm (After you done all you can)
After you gone through the rain (After you done all you can)

Prayed and cried (2x's) (After you done all you can) Prayed and you've cry(After you done all you can) Prayed and cry

After you done all you can you just stand

Cindy · **Posted:** Fri Nov 02, 2007 2:56 pm

Well Maria, I answered this a couple of hours ago but now I don't know where it went. I must be losing it!
Your PS made me smile, thank you. Please don't think you weren't there for me. I know you keep me in your prayers all the time so you "were" there for me. Thank you for the words to this song, it's beautiful and holds so much meaning.
Love you my friend, Cindy

B.J.'s been gone too long

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