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Well, I just made it through a difficult day. November 1 my beautiful daughter Naudya Jo was to be 6 months old.
I am angry, upset, mad at the world. Each day I live my life and watch each day pass as though my life has not changed. I live, breath, walk, and talk like I did before. I look the same on the outside, but on the inside, I am falling apart. I put on a good show, I can't bear to let my feelings show, then I show weakness. I am not weak, I am strong. I tell myself that everyday. I lie to myself to make myself feel better, when it actually doesn't make me feel better. I feel as though I am a failure. Six months ago, my life changed. I delivered a beautiful baby girl, my daughter, knowing it was going to be a struggle, I kept my mind, my heart, my soul open to positive thoughts, but one day, I said to myself "My daughter is fighting for every breath, every bit of power to overcome a major obstacle, and I go on living as though nothing has changed." I hate myself everyday. There is so much NOBODY knows, and I have to live with that. I made a horrible mistake and is this God's way of punishing me? I have NOBODY I can tell, because it will ruin me, my life, my marriage, my family.
I watched my life change before me in 16 long drawn out days, just to have a doctor tell me Naudya Jo's heart was failing, there was nothing more they could do. There was a drug they could give, but with the damage already done to her heart, it may prolong her life by seconds, minutes, hours, days, but not weeks, months, or years. It was inevitable my daughter was going to die. I never thought my daughter would die, but then the worst thing happened she did. I couldn't change anything. I have 16 days of pictures, not once did I get to dress her in beautiful dresses except for in death, and I didn't dress her, not once did I get to lay her on my chest and just watch her breathe, not once did I get to feed her a bottle, not once did I get to give her a bath (until she was dead) not once did I get to kiss her tummy, or her toes, not once did I get to see her smile, laugh, I barely heard a cry it was more of a whimper, not once did I tell her everything will be alright. Instead I told her I loved her but would understand if she let go, not once did I hold her and feel her breath upon my face, Not once did I want my daughter to die.
_________________ Tanya~Mommy to Karson Dean 2yo and Angel Naudya Jo May 1-16, 2007
http://naudya-jo.memory-of.com
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