In so much pain dont make sense

SeventhHeaven · **Joined:** Thu Oct 18, 2007 4:41 am **Posts:** 61

My friends, Im so sorry I havent been here for a while and I send you all gentle warm hugs and prayers for you, your angels and all your loved ones.

I have been going through such a difficult time and it seems Im heading backwards at a really fast pace, Im crying everyday whenever I am alone and sometimes it breaks through when Im with my surviving children.

We as a family attended a Thanksgiving and Christmas service held by our local Women's and Children's hospital on 20 November and I felt so uplifted and last year it was my break to signify that I could deal with my grief and make it through Christmas etc., and be fun and give my family a Christmas to remember. I have so much to be thankful for and so many blessings in my life and when I read what I have written and supposedly felt in grief in the past, before writing on these forums, I dont recognise it at all, its what i want to be but it seems all fake, because i was so into the meaning of this all and now I just cant stop crying, cannot believe all the "advice" Id given to others, just feel like there is nothing that can make a difference to me so who the hell do I think I am to offer anything to anyone one else, its almost like it was someone else in my body talking, working, being me, I just don't even know who I am anymore, but the worst part is I know even think I ever knew. I feel such like a child, I hurt like a child, my first loss was as a child, my precious brothers, I was not allowed to grieve, i was not allowed to see my bother, we never talked about his death as a family, I was separated from my parents and my sisiters at the funeral and I also still believe it was in my power to prevent his death, I loved my brother more than anything in this world and all that love did not stop him from dying. I must have done something wrong to cause it, but anything i could do since no matter how good and I tried my hard to be so very very good could never make up for my complete failure in this, Course since becoming an adult how many many many mistakes I have made I just continue being a huge big failure.

I couldnt understand my anxiety growing up and now revisiting me with such a vengeance again since we lost our second baby, Cara. Now I do of sorts, even before loosing a child when we had our eldest, I was so so anxious, I thought any lil mistake would take my precious baby away and I knew very well it didint matter how much I loved her because all the love I had in me didnt save my brother.
No amount of praying and loving saved my children, my precious precious babies, some I never got to see or hold, never heard a cry a laugh, how do you get to that place of being comforted by memories when all you have is of loss and heartache ........

Now earlier this month was the anniversary of our first precious baby Amore, I have been in a constant puddle, and totally a mess trying to give the impression Im holding up ok, Im just cried out where do the tears come. My grief is all I can think about, I have much to do for my surviving children but I can barely manage ...........

I only want to be by myself, and cry.

Barbara · **Posted:** Tue Nov 27, 2007 9:05 pm

Maria,
I'm so sorry for all your pain.I wish there was something I could do to take it away.You have given a lot of good advice to each of us but to often we don't use that advice ourselves.Our grief is just to much to bare at times.I guess what I'm trying to say is its easier to help others then ourselves.
I understand what you mean by feeling like your just going backwards and at those times our tears fall its a part of grieving.You are not a failure and you did nothing wrong.I don't believe that any of us could have done anything different that would have changed a thing.God was ready for our children and our loved ones to come home to him.They are and alwys were his special angels.
I am always here for you anytime.Whatever you need.Just know your are in my thoughts and my prayers.Sending you many,many {{{HUGS}}}
Love you,
Barbara

Cindy · **Posted:** Tue Nov 27, 2007 10:51 pm

Oh Maria, my special friend. My heart just breaks with yours as I read your words. How many times over these past years have I heard myself say those very words and felt the same way?

I have so much to be thankful for and so many blessings in my life and when I read what I have written and supposedly felt in grief in the past, before writing on these forums, I dont recognise it at all, its what i want to be but it seems all fake, because i was so into the meaning of this all and now I just cant stop crying, cannot believe all the "advice" Id given to others, just feel like there is nothing that can make a difference to me so who the hell do I think I am to offer anything to anyone one else, its almost like it was someone else in my body talking, working, being me, I just don't even know who I am anymore, but the worst part is I know even think I ever knew.

Maria, you listen to me. I may sound a little bossy but I think you know my heart better than that. You do have much to be thankful for but you have much heartache in your life and it has to be ministered to. The reason you don't recognize what you wrote in the past is because in the past it was you that was doing the ministering not getting ministered to. You know all the right things to say to help others but you're hurting so much and you are blaming yourself and thinking you're not worthy to recieve what you think everyone else is worthy of. My friend, the same Lord that died for me is the same one that died for you. He loves you and cares about your brokeness just as much as ours. You were not fake and neither have your words been. It is the truth and now is your time to recieve it as well. Maria, the Lord wants to help you. I know who you are. You're a child of God with a broken heart and a broken spirit. But His word tells me He draws near to the broken hearted and those with a contrite spirit. You know I'm speaking the truth Maria. You listen to me my friend.

I was separated from my parents and my sisiters at the funeral and I also still believe it was in my power to prevent his death, I loved my brother more than anything in this world and all that love did not stop him from dying. I must have done something wrong to cause it, but anything i could do since no matter how good and I tried my hard to be so very very good could never make up for my complete failure in this, Course since becoming an adult how many many many mistakes I have made I just continue being a huge big failure.

Maria, how could it have been in your power to prevent Peters death? Was it in your other childrens power to prevent the death of their baby sisters? No it was not and it was not in your power to stop Peter from dieing. If loving would stop them from dieing none of us would be grieving the death of our children. Maria, the enemy is lieing to your broken heart. Please hear me and recognize it. I know you have it in your heart to. Maria, if we're counting mistakes I've made far more than you have but mistakes are covered with the blood of Jesus. When we ask forgiveness they are washed away. If they are brought back it's not by the Lord. If you could only see how you have helped so many. I tell Bobby all the time that you have been there for me in a way that I could never come close to repaying. Oh Maria, you are so far from being a failure.

I couldnt understand my anxiety growing up and now revisiting me with such a vengeance again since we lost our second baby, Cara.

Maria, the Lord wants to heal you of that anxiety that you have had to live with your whole life. You've lived with it far too long. I'm asking Him even now to begin to replace it with His perfect peace that passeth all understanding.
I hope that me aswering you here hasn't offended you my friend. That is not my intentions at all. I'm just so angry that the enemy would do this to my friend and I'm willing to take on the fight for you.
There is nothing wrong with being by yourself and crying. Maybe it's what you need to do as often as you can. The only thing is is the Lord won't make you be by yourself, He will be right there with you holding while you cry. I know He will Maria because He does it for me.

I love you my friend. Please know I'm here for you anytime you need me.
Love and prayers, Cindy

JANE_E · **Posted:** Wed Nov 28, 2007 3:30 am

Maria, my beloved friend........... I'm sorry your heart is hurting so badly. You've given so much to all of us, if only we could return that love and support across so many miles to your heart. We all love you and feel your sadness deep in our own hearts.

Cindy, I love you so much. You are truly an angel of God........ you're always there, always so quick to offer love and prayers. It's truly an honor to be your friend.

love,
jane

SeventhHeaven · **Joined:** Thu Oct 18, 2007 4:41 am **Posts:** 61

Thank you Barbara, Tammy, Cindy, Jane for your most loving and compassionate replies.

I want to say Im so sorry for scaring the life out of you, as my thoughts and feelings this morning (Aussie time) scared the dickens out of me.

I say this most sincerely and truly your love and prayers I felt strongly as I went about the rest of my day.

Barbara thank you for your kind words, hugs and prayers and for affirming for me what is a part of our journey, and helping me to let go of misplaced guilt.

Tammy thank you for your hugs and prayers also and Im so blessed to have you all so accepting and caring of me in the forums here especially as I am not here often.

Jane, you have given me much love and support across the miles dear friend. Thank you for your love.

Cindy, You are so very very loving and even more wise. Thank you seems so inadequate, you share your heart, journey, faith and love and in such a gentle and loving manner that you can never never offend me, and it never crossed my mind.
Everything you have said is the absolute truth.

The reason you don't recognize what you wrote in the past is because in the past it was you that was doing the ministering not getting ministered to. You know all the right things to say to help others but you're hurting so much and you are blaming yourself and thinking you're not worthy to recieve what you think everyone else is worthy of. My friend, the same Lord that died for me is the same one that died for you. He loves you and cares about your brokeness just as much as ours. You were not fake and neither have your words been. It is the truth and now is your time to recieve it as well.

If loving would stop them from dieing none of us would be grieving the death of our children. Maria, the enemy is lieing to your broken heart. Please hear me and recognize it. I know you have it in your heart to. Maria, if we're counting mistakes I've made far more than you have but mistakes are covered with the blood of Jesus. When we ask forgiveness they are washed away. If they are brought back it's not by the Lord.

How fortuante am I to be able to receive such wisdom and insight from your experience, but more importantly how wonderful; for you to share so completely your heart with me and us all. Cindy you have nothing to repay ever for what I have given has only been a fraction of what I have received. The gift of love and grace is given freely and we freely recieve, it is for us to share - freely. You have done this always Cindy. I wish I could say the same for myself but the Lord is still working on it for me

Maria, the Lord wants to heal you of that anxiety that you have had to live with your whole life. You've lived with it far too long. I'm asking Him even now to begin to replace it with His perfect peace that passeth all understanding.

Cindy, I was healed of my acute anxiety and much depression after we lost Amore & Cara and I named Mikari after the greek gospel word used in The Beatitudes for His grace was so sublime. Her name means blessed. I guess in His own timing the Lord knew when my heart was ready to face the hurts of a child and the loss of Teressa & Pieta.

There is nothing wrong with being by yourself and crying. Maybe it's what you need to do as often as you can. The only thing is is the Lord won't make you be by yourself, He will be right there with you holding while you cry. I know He will Maria because He does it for me.

Cindy, Im so sorry that you have felt the same way on this journey and I know BJ's anniversary is so near. Please know I hold you and all your family and angels in my heart and prayers always.

We have our TCF candle-lighting on Saturday and Im going to bring all your angels and especially BJ there in my heart.
We never walk alone.

Many hugs, blessings, prayer and much love to you always, Maria. xxxxxxx

P.S. My day ended with the children and I playing Christmas carols and singing with 2 dollar microphones, dancing and laughing before bath-time.

In so much pain dont make sense

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