It's been so long

Laurie · **Posted:** Sat Nov 17, 2007 12:18 am

It's been so long . . . I don't even know where to start . . . I guess, first, to apologize for not lighting candles. I would suppose you who know me, probably figure I don't care about your sons and daughters anymore. I do still care - I think about people on here all the time. I've just been "off the grid" for a couple months. I just didn't think I would sink this low into not caring about how I'm living my life. It's been 20 months, but I miss Jake more and more and more and feel like I'm so empty all the time. Not just having bad days in between days that aren't so bad. Just so empty all the time. I had to work such long weeks for two months, that I think I just shut my grief out and now it's just crashing in on me, especially with the holidays coming.

My husband's sister is dying from cancer. I think something is weird with me because I don't feel sad yet. I just feel empty, like I don't trust God anymore. I don't know what to think when I want to try to pray.

Thanks for listening. I know you guys care. I will try to do better with staying in touch.

Laurie

JANE_E · **Posted:** Sat Nov 17, 2007 12:37 am

Dear Laurie,

We understand! We all go through these time lapses where we really do cease to function. I've been mired down myself in grief that has totally overwhelmed me. Sometimes I think I'd rather be dead than to face this pain for the rest of my life.......but then, I do believe that when my time comes, God will call me home and my son will come to meet me. So, I'm hanging on by a thread.

Not to worry about candles or tributes..........we all do what we can on any given day, some days we can do more and other days it's all we can face just to breathe. My grief is so heavy around me that I rarely light candles either.......I can't absorb any more sorrow than I'm already carrying. It's just too painful.

We cling to each other for our sanity and for the safety that we offer each other. Without it, I think we'd all feel as if we were cut adrift in a very wild ocean with no oars and no sails to help us survive........

Don't ever be sorry, just come join us when you can and know that we're always here for you. Everyone fades in and out as their sorrow ebbs & flows........... just come here when you feel you need us or when you feel you want to touch bases........Someone will always be here for you.

Take care,
love, hugs, prayers,
Jane

Laurie · **Posted:** Sat Nov 17, 2007 1:21 am

Oh Jane, your reply gives me an anchor in the ocean. The graphic gives me a warm feeling in my heart tonight. I imagine it would sound strange to those who have not experienced this, but to hear about how you have been feeling -- while I feel sorrow that you struggle so deeply, too, at the same time, it gives me a sense that I am not "doing this wrong" to feel like you do, also. I respect that your grief journey is your own, and is unique to you, though, if you know what I mean when I say I feel like you do - I don't want to minimize your feelings by implying they are no different than mine.

Thanks for listening. I don't know if I'm making much sense . . .
Laurie

Cindy · **Posted:** Sat Nov 17, 2007 1:46 am

Laurie, I answered you about an hour ago and when I try to post it ...it deleted it! So now that I'm not so frustrated I'll try again.
I'm sorry you're so down. Please don't feel bad about not keeping in touch, we so understand. It's been just long enough for you now that it's getting very hard. Reality is setting in.
I know you miss Jake more with every day that goes by. Believe me I know. I'm so sorry. I wish I could bring him back to you, you know I would if I could.
I understand so well what you mean about your sister-in-law. Please be gentle with yourself. You've been through the worst anyone can be put through with losing your son and right now you're just in survival mode. It's the best you can do and it's ok.
The empty feeling is such a terrible way to feel. I'm so sorry my friend.
Please know you can contact me anytime you want or need to. I'll be here for you. I hope you know that.
I'm going to send you a pm so be sure and check for it.
I love you and I'm praying for you always.
Love, Cindy

JANE_E · **Posted:** Sat Nov 17, 2007 2:37 am

Dear Laurie,

Yes, considering your grief, you make perfect sense. My husband commented to me today that I start sentences and fade off about half way through them........ leaving him struggling to understand what I was trying to say.

Sometimes I'm not even sure what it was that I was trying to express. Don't worry about what you say or how you say it.......just keep breathing and putting one foot in front of the other. Some days that's all we can do............... and that's a good day....

And don't worry about taking anything away from my grief, We're all in the same boat here, and if we can communicate and help each other, even in a small way, then we can be grateful. It's understanding of our pain that we seek and this is probably one of the very few places we can find it.

It's a terrible, horrible ordeal we have to survive........ I think we're emotionally very wounded, maybe mortally......... I don't know. Let's just say that when it comes to sorrow........ we all know so very well what you're feeling.

Even if you just check in to say hello, try to do it as often as you can. Trust me, you're so very normal whatever that word really means anymore........ I don't know if there is even an abnormal emotion after a loss such as we've suffered.

Try to get some rest tonight and remember, you're never alone....... you have a circle of close friends who care very much how you're feeling and if you're having a hard time. Let us help you if we can......... in helping each other, sometimes it helps us also.

Love, hugs, prayers,
jane

Laurie · **Posted:** Tue Nov 20, 2007 1:45 am

Jane, Cindy, Tammy --

Thank you, my friends, for your welcome and understanding and love and prayers.

We just got back from a road trip to see my sister in law in the hospital. It is so hard to see her like that. She helped a friend through a cancer battle, now I hope that friend is helping my sister in law from up in heaven. We sat with her, even though she is not conscious right now, and read some scripture to her and just talked to her. I'm glad we had some deep, good conversations before she got like this. We didn't get to tell Jake all these things. Barely had time to say good bye to him . . .

Cindy, I got your PM. Thanks. Just having that means the world to me!

Peace to all of us,
Laurie

Cindy · **Posted:** Tue Nov 20, 2007 2:10 am

Laurie, I can't believe I found your post just now. I was sitting here thinking about you and was fixing to e-mail you. I'm so sorry you had to see you sister-in-law like this. And you know what, even if you didn't get to say what you wanted to to Jake, I believe that young man knew he was and is loved.
Hugs my friend, Cindy

JANE_E · **Posted:** Tue Nov 20, 2007 1:03 pm

Dear Laurie,

Your precious Jake knows what's in your heart............... I'm sure you still talk to him. I talk to my son all the time and he lets me know in some pretty profound ways that he hears me and that he's present.

It's important to keep saying all those things to our loved ones...........it helps us and it helps them also.

love,
jane

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