I saw my son's graduation picture..............

JANE_E · **Posted:** Wed Nov 21, 2007 2:54 am

Tonight I was cleaning the kitchen when I just glanced up and saw Scott's huge graduation picture. I have always had it in a place where I can see it from my kitchen counter.......... Now I have the cross from his funeral, the rosary from his grandmother and the word ALWAYS spelled out in silver letters on the side of the fireplace....... I keep candles burning on each side of his picture almost all the time.

I was polishing up my coffee pot when I just glanced up at the picture and it hit me right between the eyes, smack in the middle of my heart and it took my breath away........

I got physically ill.......... felt as though I was going to throw up....... and have been sick ever since. I didn't cry, I just turned the light out and left the kitchen......... Seeing that picture of him, just as I remember him.......... and knowing that he's gone!

How do we live with this? What are we supposed to do with ourselves? What do we do with all the pain, all the tears?

It's too much........ it's just too much to expect of a mother........... I've found I just can't do it. I'm not very strong and I don't really think I can ever survive this pain.

I miss my son so much.............

jane

Barbara · **Posted:** Wed Nov 21, 2007 10:06 am

Jane,
I wish there was someway I could make your pain go away.Its just so hard sometimes.I to have Michaels pic where I can always see them and sometimes I just break down when I look at them.Its just not right,they should be here with us.We are not suppose to out live our children.I'm sending up many,many prayers for you for God to ease your pain.You are always in thoughts and in my heart.
love and{{{hugs}}},
Barbara

Tonya · **Posted:** Wed Nov 21, 2007 10:41 am

Jane,

I am sending you many, many gentle (((hugs))).

This journey that we are on.....in a word.....SUCKS!!!! No parent should ever have to go through this. NEVER!!! Just know that you are always in my thoughts and prayers.

I love you, my dear friend...
~Tonya~

Jo* · **Posted:** Wed Nov 21, 2007 10:45 am

{{{{Jane}}}},

I too, wonder how do we survive this pain each day. Each heartbeat carries a pain so heavy, I have to wonder how can it continue to beat.

I no longer live anymore......I just exist......The pain I feel in missing Kevin overshadows any other emotion I may experience.

I pray each of us finds at least a moments peace in the days to come.

Love & {{Hugs}},
Jo( Kevin's mom forever and ever)

Cece · **Posted:** Wed Nov 21, 2007 3:22 pm

I know Jane. I'm sorry we have to go through this.

JANE_E · **Posted:** Wed Nov 21, 2007 3:28 pm

Thank you my beloved friends,

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving.........and we'll go to my daughter's for the day. My son from Seattle & his family will be coming down to spend the day with us. I'll have all my family, EXCEPT my baby, my youngest son.........

I'm trying so hard to remember to be thankful........for all of God's goodness to me and to know I'll see Scott again when he comes to get me. BUT.......... my heart hurts and I can't seem to stop the tears.....

He loved Thanksgiving dinner with all the trimmings. He could sit and visit with anyone about anything and always did. What do I do with my heart tomorrow?

Laurie's in-laws will be there and it will almost certainly be her father-in-law's last Thanksgiving.........so it will be sad for Laurie's husband and his mother also. Poor Dottie, (Laurie's mother-in-law) is so confused and doesn't seem to always even be aware of what's happening. They're in their 90's and life has been good to them in lots of ways, but now cancer is slowing taking Jerry's life away from him.

I know that death is a part of life............. and I can accept it for elderly people. It's sad, and there's so much sorrow to go through, but.......... I can see that it truly is a part of life. BUT..............when one of your children passes before you....... somehow, I can't accept that. I always thought that when my time would come, all my children would be at my bedside saying goodbye. Now, two of them will be, but my Scott will be there saying hello........... I'm trying to remember that.

I have come to dislike holidays with an intensity that is so strong. I don't want to involve myself at all. I would like to skip the entire process but I can't......... I have children to think of .

I will take my meds and remain as calm and together as I can possibly fake. I can't show how sad I really am because there will be too many people there who also have sadness to live with.

Thank you my friends, I pray for each of you for tomorrow......that you will find someway to get through the day without too many tears and too much sorrow.

love,
jane

Drea · **Posted:** Wed Nov 21, 2007 11:06 pm

Isn't it weird? How you can be "okay" one minute and the next something will trigger that sick feeling in your stomach and you can't control what your eyes look at or the voice of them? It's just not fair. I'm sorry Jane.

I saw my son's graduation picture..............

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