Hi,
I'm new to the forum but have been reading some of your posts and it really feels to me like people here might understand how I feel at the moment.
My gorgeous Dad died 10 weeks and 1 day ago aged 60. It was starting out as any normal Thursday. He had breakfast with my Mam and went upstairs to get read for work. He took a shower, washed and dried his hair, shaved, brushed his teeth and got dressed. He must have felt unwell and sat on the edge of what was his side of the bed. My Mam was wondering what was delaying him and when she went upstairs she found him laid back on the bed with his feet still on the floor. She said afterwards she knew immediately that he had died.
I was home in my own house, and she called me there. She was wailing on the phone and I really couldn't make sense of what she was saying to me but I did manage to find out that he wasn't speaking and my very first thought was "I think Dad's had a heart attack" (the official cause of death was a massive heart attack caused by coronary artery disease). I frantically ran around the house, not knowing what to do. I called my best friend and told her my Dad was sick. When I eventually calmed down, I called their house again and the paramedic answered. She didn't want to tell me what was going on - she just kept telling me to get over to the house. I remember wondering why she wanted me to come to the house - surely they were going to take him to the hospital to take care of him and I would just follow there. I asked her if he had died, really not expecting her to say yes, to which she just replied "I'm so sorry".
I can remember everything that happened on that day and for the next days leading up to his funeral. We were determined to make sure that we gave him the best send-off possible, and in my heart, I feel like he did. But like I'm sure everyone has experienced in one way or another, it got so much harder when the funeral was over and people literally seemed to disappear. Slowly but surely the people that matter have come back into our lives, but while they have been fantastic, nothing is ever going to make losing my Dad any easier.
I am 32 years old and I can honestly say that in all the time I have been on this earth, I have never met anyone like my Dad, and I can already know that I never will. He was funny, caring, loving, patient, kind and all the other amazing words that there are to describe someone that you would adore as soon as you met him. He was my idol and my best friend and I feel like a part of me has died with him. Although I am trying to focus on the positives - the amazing person that he was and the wonderful memories that he left me - I can't help thinking of all the things I'm going to miss out on. He will never walk me down the aisle. He will never see his grandchildren. He and my Mam had only just moved house (7 months previously) to begin to take things easier and focus on the good things in life. I feel cheated for him and for us. I would give everything I possess to have him back. Actually, I would give anything just to have an hour with him and a hug (he gave the best hugs ever - the kind that instinctively made you know that whatever the situation, everything was going to be okay).
I talk to him every day. I talk to the Angels every day and ask them to take care of him, and of me, my Mam and my 2 brothers. I have never really been religious, but I'm realising that I'm a lot more spiritual than I would have thought. I HAVE to believe that there's a better life for him after this one and that I will see him again.
I guess the main reason for writing this is that I just needed to get it out. As I said at his funeral, I'm not going to say that I loved him in the past tense, because I will always love him and he will be in my thoughts every single day for the rest of my life. I feel to a degree that I'm taking one step forwards and two steps back. And I have this horrible sense of knowing that nothing will ever be the same again.
Thank you for reading. And of course any advice that you may have regarding this process that I am going through, and will continue to go through for the rest of my life, is very much appreciated in advance.
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