to start off i want to say that i've never done anything like this before, the whole posting on a forum thing. but my wife & i have been trying to figure out ways for me to grieve & get my feelings out about my dad passing away oct.10, 2008.
here it goes...
i can honestly say that until oct.10,2008 i would of never thought that i would cry about my dad dying. my dad, he was an ass hole. always has been to me. growing up him & i never really had a relationship. i mean as a child i remember having good times with him, but as i got older, the meaner he was. i have never been like my brother & sister (both older than me @ least 10 year difference in age). as in i have always been the shy quiet one, the unique one, emotional. my sister moved out when i was still pretty young to go to college & my brother moved out a few years later. so it was me, my mom & dad. i remember laying in bed listening to my dad yelling @ my mom about just stupid stuff ya know. then somehow it always came back to me... about how i was in other words just worthless. one time my dad said i was another "**** up just like my brother". he used to use the belt to spank our butts, i remember him using it on me only a few times when i was a child. that & one other time when he pushed me down was the only time that he ever really laid a hand on me. all his abuse was verbal & mental. everything he ever said to me, everything i ever heard... every bad memory built up inside me. my brother & sister were able to move out, grow up & have these great relationships with my dad. here i was, living @ home untill i was 23 (i'm 28 now) & only talking to him when i had to untill i moved out then it turned to hardly never. i got married @ 24 (still no relationship with him). moved out of state for 3 years (in those 3 years i probably talked to him 4 or 5 times if that). about a year ago we moved back because we learned that my wife would be having our first baby. he was born aug. 28, 2008. my dad never went to hospital the 4 days that we were there. granted, he wasnt feeling good around this time- but still, he could of gone to the hospital to see him born i thought. so i held that against him. my parents smoke, so their house stinks of smoke & pet hair. that & the fact that i was pissed off @ my dad i never took my son over there. i told my mom about the whole smoke & pet hair thing, that if he wanted to see him he could come by (less than a 5 min drive). but he wasn't feeling good my mom said, yada yada yada. he would try. oct. 10, my sister called me & said that i should come over to moms because dad had passed away. the day he died was the day i took my son over there with me. he never met him. i think he was able to see a pic of him on my moms camera, but he was never able to see him, hold him, hear him. that day i was crushed. i never knew how i felt about my dad. i was never able to get my chance to build my relationship with him like my brother & sister had. i was just, not ready to let go of everything yet. i never had a chance. now there isn't a day, a DAY that doesnt go by & i dont think about my dad... how he was never able to meet his youngest child's son, i think about how i don't remember the last time that i talked to him, that i saw him. isn't that ****ed up? sometimes i just see flashes of him, his face looking @ me when he was alive, sometimes it's when he was laying in bed the day he died. sometimes i just wish that he would come to me in my dreams or even in person as a ghost & tell me that everything is alright, that he forgives me, that he doesn't hold anything against me. my mom says that it's all okay. that it was all strange circumstances that he was never able to meet him. okay, that's true. but i know that he wasn't feeling good. i could of just taken him over there one day, but i never did. sometimes i look @ my son & i just cry because i know that my dad can't see him growing up, he doesn't know how sorry i am. i can't let go of this. i don't know if this is normal, if this has happened to anyone else...i'm just @ a loss right now with all of this. is it normal to see flashes of my dad all the time, alive/dead? if anyone can help, has advice, anything to say please do. thank you for listening.
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