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|I left for awhile and she died while I was gone
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|Author:||tracey3104 [ Wed Apr 15, 2009 11:42 pm ]|
|Post subject:||I left for awhile and she died while I was gone|
My boyfriend (who loved my mother dearly) said he couldn't stand to see her that way (my mom was at home being taken care of my hospice). All of us were there, all her children and my uncle, but I made the horrible mistake of stepping out for awhile and by the time I got back she was gone.
I can barely forgive myself. She had slipped into a coma the day before, but I cannot stop thinking of how I forsaked her. She knows my heart, and I loved her desperately and I know my mother knew that.
Had she already gone on to God? Do you think she forgives me for leaving? How could I have been so STUPID and listened to my boyfriend, who wanted to leave? I never should have left her even though I was back in 40 minutes. Help.
|Author:||tori [ Sat Dec 11, 2010 12:53 pm ]|
|Post subject:||Re: I left for awhile and she died while I was gone|
I know exactly what your going through. My mom had been diagnosed with stage 3 colon cancer in 2007, she had emergence surgery which I wasn't able to be there with her until two days later (We live in different states and I don't drive anymore).
She pulled thru it fine and was put on chemo for a little over a year, her tests came back fine and she was cancer free. The year following that she became ill and called me fearing what the doctor would say she didn't call them, I did. I relayed the message he gave me and she was going to go to the er to have the site looked at (that was what was making her ill again) She had a closed stoma area from when they orginally did the surgery and wanted her colon to rest they gave her a colostomy. The site had been red and warm to touch and she said draining this horrible smelling fluid...She went to ER and they drained it she started to feel better since they put her on antibiotics and gave her some fluids. Back home she did what they and I told her and had an appointment with her surgeon the following monday. This was April 12 2010. He wanted her admitted to hospital for surgery to close it from inside he said. The call to me came at 4pm after her seeing him, we made to her hospital room at 5am the following morning. After a week of tests and tests and more test, her weight and heart were issues they needed to follow up on as well as her age being 72. The day before her surgery she was up in halls walking smiling and playing with her great grandkids and grandkids she had color to her cheeks and wasn't complaining about anything.
She was in forced coma for over a week and ICU the entire time. I was nurse before my disability so I read her chart completely and was appalled by what I found. The surgeon in my opinion had neglected to inform me what exactly he found and hardly ever showed up in her room. Before her surgery she signed all the needed papers allowing me full access to all her records and bank etc...I have two sisters which neither of them showed up for anything.
She finally was able to breathe on her own and they took vent out, she was moved to a step down icu unit where she became paranoid and so fearful it scared me. The visiting hours were same as ICU and she hated that, along with some of her nurses not seeming to care at all. Many a time when we got there I had to ask to have her changed and got attitude from them. The doctors gave me the news I already knew, her cancer doc said she had about 9months to a year. I asked her to come home with me so I could take care of her better there and she would be comfortable and maybe see snow once more. My mom was thick headed and stubborn but she gave into this without any problem, the only problem we did have was getting her up and able to walk from bed to wheelchair. Social Services came in and asked what I was planning on doing with her...we told them without a doubt she was coming home with me to VA she stated same thing to them. They moved her to a Hospice Facility which was beautiful hoping she would be less stressed and start eating and sitting on edge of bed.....she tried. The tumors were growing since he opened her and they moved upward preventing her from eating without becoming violently ill...She didn't want to go back to hospital (we all know she knew it was time).
My boyfriend stayed with her while my oldest daughter and I ran an errand, when I left she was quiet and hadn't opened her eyes in couple days. My cell phone was my life line with all the medical personnel, we were staying at her house getting it in order putting things in storage till we moved her up north from FL. My daughter and I were three blocks from the facility on our way back when I got the call from my bf.....I wasn't there to tell it was ok, I wasn't there to tell her one more time I loved her, I wasn't there to hold her hand and stroke her head. I have to live with that for the rest of my days now. I can only hope she forgives me and understands I did what she wanted instead of being selfish and sending her back to the hospital to be on a vent....
I love you mom and miss you more then words can express.
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